Checkered Pasts?

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Has anyone ever befriended another ex of a BPD, and did you trade horror stories?  What else did you learn?

[Infern0]

If you want a story of "chequered past" mine (when she was 16) participated in a gangbang 5 on 1 for $$$ and this video footage can be found on popular tube sites.

I found that out after a year with her, when i was sent the link by a fake facebook account. her reasoning "I was off my meds and didn't care about myself or what happened to me"

Its probably advisable not to dig too deep, who knows what skeletons are in their closets

[Suzn]

I wouldn't say I befriended any of my ex's exs though I did have conversations with a couple of them. I learned that I wasn't the only one that had lived in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)

Have you become friends with one of your ex's exs?  

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

No I haven' t Suzn, I was just curious.  I would love to hear someone who knew her as well as I did tell me, she is off her rocker.

[Suzn]

I would love to hear someone who knew her as well as I did tell me, she is off her rocker.

Why do you think that is? I remember this feeling well. For me, I felt this way because I was afraid that somehow she was right, that this was all my fault. (she told me it was) I needed someone to say "yep, you were right about her" so that I could blame her for everything. The truth was a hard pill to swallow, it takes two to tango and I played a role. 

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

I wouldn't say that I would do it. so I could blame her for everything.  The two to tango is a bad analogy.  I never wanted to tango... .meaning I never wanted the break up, like 99% of the people one here.  I played no role in the break up, other than being a punching bag.

[Suzn]

I played no role in the break up, other than being a punching bag.

I totally get that. The thing is is there are specific communication skills one has to master in order to have a more successful relationship with a person with BPD. Otherwise, we can inadvertently trigger them. This could be anything. For instance, I read that you gave her a xmas gift and she told you yours was in her other car. What if, and this is a big what if since we have no idea what she was feeling, what if she felt shame that she didn't get you a gift? What if that shame was so deep that she didn't know how to deal with it and she ran? Avoidant, like you also suggested earlier. In a situation like this, it wouldn't be correct to say this person was ignorant or stupid, she knew how to avoid her feelings. She's done this her whole life.

I was totally naive to these skills and I thought I communicated just fine. You follow me, right?

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Felt shame that she didn't get me a gift? Big deal, I would have been happy with a folded piece of paper, an acknowledgement, anything.  The shame was so deep that the only solution is to completely stonewall the poor guy, what a terrific idea.  I bet that went over real big in her mind.  Ignoring someone for three years over a Christmas gift, and the way to make it better is not to ignore me for years, these people have common sense.  She knows right now she wants nothing to do with me, and its for life as well.  People on these boards need to know that when a BPD kicks you to the curb, your toast.

[Suzn]

She knows right now she wants nothing to do with me, and its for life as well.

This is hard to accept for many Jonathon. We all get this here. I'm sorry it happened to you too.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

If you want a story of "chequered past" mine (when she was 16) participated in a gangbang 5 on 1 for $$$ and this video footage can be found on popular tube sites.

I found that out after a year with her, when i was sent the link by a fake facebook account. her reasoning "I was off my meds and didn't care about myself or what happened to me"

Its probably advisable not to dig too deep, who knows what skeletons are in their closets

Woah...

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

That is the point Suzn, you and many on this board are giving people false hopes, its wrong.  When a BPD is done with someone, they're done.  There isn't a thing one can do about it, I have yet to see one person on this board say that.

Many of you try to make excuses for these people, embarrassed over a Christmas present? She never bought me one, is more like it. That I would bet.

[Infern0]

That is the point Suzn, you and many on this board are giving people false hopes, its wrong.  When a BPD is done with someone, they're done.  There isn't a thing one can do about it, I have yet to see one person on this board say that.

Many of you try to make excuses for these people, embarrassed over a Christmas present? She never bought me one, is more like it. That I would bet.

I've recycled with my ex multiple times, and although the overall experience has been ... .draining to say the least, i've been living my life, and a lot of good has come out of it too. My ex still reaches out to me and i'm trying to find a way to maintain some sort of LC.

These people are not inhumane monsters, yes they do stupid things, yes they can hurt you but they are still human beings, it serves us well to remember this.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

First off recycling takes two... .you made the choice with her.  But that is not my point, I don't think your relationship was ever over, you call it recycling.  I say it never ended.  A relationship that ends doesn't get rekindled a day or two or a week later.  That relationship never ended.  If you tell me that you were recycled numerous times and your 54 and she came back every ten years, after breaking up for 5. 

They-re human no question about it, my question to you is this, would you treat another human being like they do?

[Infern0]

First off recycling takes two... .you made the choice with her.  But that is not my point, I don't think your relationship was ever over, you call it recycling.  I say it never ended.  A relationship that ends doesn't get rekindled a day or two or a week later.  That relationship never ended.  If you tell me that you were recycled numerous times and your 54 and she came back every ten years, after breaking up for 5. 

They-re human no question about it, my question to you is this, would you treat another human being like they do?

1. Yes it takes two, I never suggested otherwise.

2. My relationship had periods of 2-3 months of 0 contact.

3. No i would not treat someone like that, but i don't have BPD, if I did, yeah i probably would because i wouldn't have much choice.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Periods of no contact for 2 or three months is not recycling, it is a relationship that never ended.  She kept you in the loop and you played along.  If you had found someone else, she would have been kicked to the curb by you. 

People with BPD realize the things they do, its is one of the big misunderstandings on this board.  She knows that you broke up. she's not stupid.  She knows how she did it, she's not stupid.  BPD just like every other human being in the world has choices, they make them, They know what theyre doing.  Don't let people tell you they have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, as no 3 year old is out have sex with anybody, never mind numerous partners.

[hashtag_loyal]

If you want a story of "chequered past" mine (when she was 16) participated in a gangbang 5 on 1 for $$$ and this video footage can be found on popular tube sites.

I found that out after a year with her, when i was sent the link by a fake facebook account. her reasoning "I was off my meds and didn't care about myself or what happened to me"

Holy crap! You can find a short video of the 16-year-old version of my ex out there too, but no gangbang (to my knowledge.) She's done solo webcams for "tips", though. Also worked as a stripper briefly. In her defense, she was open about all of that from the start (it was just her history of cheating she hid from me.)

Its probably advisable not to dig too deep, who knows what skeletons are in their closets

Quite a few with my ex. Nothing surprises me anymore.