Boundaries

[sempervivum]

It has been quiet and peaceful for some months and I did not want to spoil the moments. Now we are again in the midst of a major dysregulation. And with all the awareness about the traits of his disorder I am still finding difficulties with setting of new boundaries - and mostly with implementing and keeping them. I am too weak to keep them on.

Besides I have a question for those who have more techniques in store: How does you BPD partner react to new boundaries: I mean, when you don´t want to be the scapegoat?

When I am determined and firm enough and tell him that I simply don´t accept some things and that I am not going to listen him yelling and blaming, then he becomes the ideal of understanding and obeys, almost crawls, but I don´t want him to crawl or to beg for mercy (because I know this lasts very short), I just want him to back off and leave me breathe my air.

Besides, now we are on quite official terms and my interpretation and version is that I am totally avoiding any JADE, so I am communicating with him but I totally don´t feel like chatting with him - he exhausted all my sources and I am quite comfortable so, until I recharge my batteries (but this time it will last longer).

His interpretation is probably that I am giving him a silent treatment, because he uses every opportunity to start a conversation, but he does it in such a bad way that any other woman would run away after such subtle expressions of affection. He is so ignorant and clumsy in a man-woman communication. I used to tolerate that before, maybe I will again, but as I said, right now I am empty.

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[sweetheart]

Hi sempervivum 

I want to say giving yourself permission to back away and take time out is absolutely ok if you are running on empty.

Establishing a boundary that quietly says ' I want to be spoken to with respect and kindness' is ok too.

I understand also that when there has been a sustained period of calm, dysregulations can hit you harder. For me when this happens it's like I'm wrong footed all over again, like the illness as taken me by surprise, almost like I hoped it had gone.

Do you live together? I'm just wondering if you do, that it might be hard for your SO to understand what's going on if you have needed to withdraw from him. This will probably be quite triggering for him, so perhaps this is what is causing his many and varied attempts to reengage you.

How do you see this panning out for you, I can hear how worn out you are, where do you want this to go?

[sempervivum]

We are married, 25 years. His reaching for me always happens in the same manner: it seems he has an odd sense od having done ssomething wrong, so he draws back for some time, but without saying sorry and when HE decides its been enough, he  becomes an active talker with very raw opening lines: he asks about things that havent been done and which should have been done, by me of course!   My intimate wish is that just for once he would ask how I feel. I dont say he never did this, but it was always when HE considered it appropriate and when HE interpreted my feelings in his own way, for example he saw me many times depressed, sad or stressed when I was actually not,  it was him and he just projected that on me.

[sweetheart]

I really like this discussion by forum members around the push/pull behaviour that happens in a relationship with pwBPD https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0.

What you describe with your h is as I'm sure you are already aware, a key dynamic within all our relationships. Trying to find our emotional balance in response to this behaviour can be tricky.

Regarding your intimate wish could you SET out your request to your h? It might not elicit the response you want, but it would be your truth.

It's tough being on the receiving end of projection and then often having our real feelings misinterpreted by our SO's.

[iluminati]

You seem to be doing well with boundaries.  What you need to realize is that it's OK to recharge your batteries, normal even.  Don't rush back into contact if it's too much.  Rushing it will cause more problems than it will solve.

[Turkish]

We are married, 25 years. His reaching for me always happens in the same manner: it seems he has an odd sense od having done ssomething wrong, so he draws back for some time,

My Ex often did the same thing, driven by shame, but... .

... .but without saying sorry and when HE decides its been enough, he  becomes an active talker with very raw opening lines: he asks about things that havent been done and which should have been done, by me of course!   My intimate wish is that just for once he would ask how I feel. I dont say he never did this, but it was always when HE considered it appropriate and when HE interpreted my feelings in his own way, for example he saw me many times depressed, sad or stressed when I was actually not,  it was him and he just projected that on me.

Sometimes I got an apology, but a week later, the cycle would repeat. Sometimes there was no discernabke trigger on my side. She'd wake up and go on a cleaning rampage, leave, feel badly (while I was WoE, taking care of the kids). Rinse, repeat.

I tried to validate later, but could only get out (some anxiety related to her childhood).

How do you respond when he's projecting his feelings onto you?

[formflier]

 

Learning how to thrive in a relationship with a pwBPD is an interesting thing.

I will tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt that boundaries have been my most important tool/concept.

Boundaries protect you, your feelings and thoughts.  There is usually not an option to have "them" be happy with our boundaries.

Holding a boundary is incredibly important because caving in will make future boundaries more difficult to implement.

Looking forward to some of your answers to questions from Turkish.

FF

[sempervivum]

Regarding your intimate wish could you SET out your request to your h? It might not elicit the response you want, but it would be your truth.

It's tough being on the receiving end of projection and then often having our real feelings misinterpreted by our SO's.

I always feel the need to express myself, freely and honestly and very often I did, using SET, but he simply doesn´t understand me. Right now, I am nowhere, I am not rushing into anything but I know I have crossed one of the important lines. Before, I always forgave him, or better said, I used to let things deflate, now I don´t feel any connection to him. I am afraid am on the verge of leaving.

I feel exhausted: I have to understand his disorder and be a "stronger" partner, but I don´t receive even an atom of his acknowledgng me. He is good to me under his terms.

[sempervivum]

You seem to be doing well with boundaries.  What you need to realize is that it's OK to recharge your batteries, normal even.  Don't rush back into contact if it's too much.  Rushing it will cause more problems than it will solve.

Thank you, I think the same: no rushing. The problem is he´s had enough. I know the symptoms of his wanting to communicate. Of course, I will tell him I am not ready but then I have to challenge his dozen of questions.

[sempervivum]

Sometimes I got an apology, but a week later, the cycle would repeat. Sometimes there was no discernabke trigger on my side. She'd wake up and go on a cleaning rampage, leave, feel badly (while I was WoE, taking care of the kids). Rinse, repeat.

I tried to validate later, but could only get out (some anxiety related to her childhood).

How do you respond when he's projecting his feelings onto you?

Oh, I am very familiar with cleaning rampages. One of them was the trigger for this last dysregulation: No home could be impeccable, you can alwas find dust, crumbs or something else, especially behind furniture. He got an inspiration to move heavy furniture and found what is usually found there. While doing that, he called me at least 6-7 times from my cooking. Of course I objected to that interruptions, but he found that unjustified, as if I were a dog who runs at his master´s command. So it ended with his blackening me all over and he blackened even some area around (my friends, my part of the family and "my" kids, who are mine when something is wrong!)

In the meantime he made a good number of practical attempts to apologize, because he never speaks the words. He used to do this before and I really validated that, but this time I still have no energy to, thinking about repetitions of such mess in future. What´s the use?

I always see through his projections, but not always on time. I must say I am not always ready, very often they hit me badly.  I learned to reduce my angry reactions to a minimum, but didn´t learn how to make them not hurt me. Consciously I know what they are, but I still have to grow. (Will I get a diploma before my dying bed?  )

formflier:

I agree with you about boundaries. I am an emotional, but strongly realistic person and I find it difficult to deal with my third child (a BPD husband), since the rate of success with him is the lowest compared to other two - real - children. His lack of understanding for my "dealing" with him is frustrating.