She changed and left.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all,

About 6 days ago my ex broke off our relationship which left me hurt and devastated. She has had BPD diagnosed and for 8 years been trying therapy and other treatments. I'm just trying to understand a couple of things. One being that will she come back?

(Sorry this is a bit of an essay of the whole thing)

In my past I have only had 2 relationships one which lasted 9 months and the other which lasted 2 and a half years. I have had 'flings' with other women in between but have always been the one to break it off as I didnt feel anything long lasting.

I'm 28, male and thought I finally met someone after two years of being single and just myself (I wasnt interested in looking for even anything during this time, just focusing on myself). I met this girl through her mother at our local. She introduced me to her and I was just a typical person saying hello (although I was wanting to talk to her as she did get my attention, which I thought was odd). Later we both started talking and found out we had similar interests.

For 2 months after that we would just text every day to each other, just seeing how we are, how our day has gone etc. I started to really like this girl like I felt comfortable in just talking to her. One night she came down to see her mother and we met up again at the local pub and we just couldnt stop chatting and being together. Once the night ended in the local I asked her if she wanted to come to another place that does rock music and is open til late and she said yes. We had a good time and thats when we just looked at each other, hugged then kissed. We did become intimate a couple of days later, and she said she never showed her body to anyone since her last partner which was nearly 2 years ago, all because of the scars and that she was ashamed about herself. I saw nothing wrong and said she had a beautiful body. She just said it felt weird for her as she never felt comfortable like this with anyone before.

About two weeks later (we were more talkative now in texts and calls) I visited her and stayed at hers for the weekend which was also my birthday. Thats when I opened up to her saying that its hard for me to fall for someone, that in the past I have been hurt but it takes alot for me to trust but with her it seems to be different. Soon after that we started a relationship. Within this time we started making future commitments, which I understand is the whole honeymoon period and we had a rushing element of love and commitment to each other. She would even drive 2 hours from where she lived just to come and see me at night (one time my mates birthday and she just came down).

I said I can move up nearer to her, leave my job and get something new. This was during the christmas period and she was going abroad for that time to visit family. She told me though around this time about her past (about her ex and how he belittled her, to childhood trauma) and her condition(s) she has, but it didnt phase me as I just wanted her to be herself. She left me something that made me feel so appreciated that when she got back it made me love her even more. It was several pages of song lyrics that made her think of me with small notes on what they mean and how she has never felt like this before.

When she got back I noticed she was a bit distant but still loving. We even viewed a house together that she found for us and was so excited about it.

Then one evening about a week later I get a long text saying about how I need to understand why she has her friends in high self esteem and that I cant be her world etc. I was confused and just said 'thats fine' but I asked her mother about it. Her mother later on texted her and she soon went defensive towards me saying that I should ask her not her mum. I know this is a problem with trust but this text was so long and quite pushy that I didnt know who else to talk to. Since that I saw that she was pushing me away (I even saw some entries she made about wanting to sabotage but save this relationship around that same time). She kept on being more distant. I said to her about me handing in my notice at work as I was preparing to come up and get a job (as I had an interview planned) and even said about how I can find my own place at least as she then decided not to move out of her current house shared place.

When I arrived she was cold and didnt want any personal contact. I thought thats fine I understand, she just wants some space.

I gave her a gift (a piece of meteorite in a pendant) and said about how we first met we saw a shooting star and how much I wanted to give it to her as a first gift. She liked it... .well basically said 'Thats really cool' read the letter I did with it, smiled and put it back in the envelope.

The job interview didnt go well and I couldnt accept it, and noticed things werent going well between us either (she wouldnt even share a bed because she felt it was triggering past problems) with even me being in the house causing that.

This made me feel so bad that I couldnt do anything, so I left early so that I wasnt causing anymore stress for her and to give her space (that she said she needed). I asked her housemate who also suffers the same just to look out for her and know what she means to me. Later get a text saying the same thing about the time when I spoke to her mother etc but that she appreciates my concern. I didnt contact her for a week and when I did she just said she is alright but cant talk right now, no energy, sorry.

I sent a text later that night (as I had aaw she wanted to plan an overdose in an entry) just saying how much she is appreciated by others, that she is loved by her friends and me, that we will face rough waters but we will sail over them and get to our destination no matter what.

I then get a multitued of texts one after the other saying how I have lied in the past about my drinking (two occasions one at christmas and one at a friends memorial) and that she cant take the intensity although I never got drunk or violent around her, this was done in my own time with my friends. She then quickly started staing on how this is going fast and in a short time, how much I dont know about her and her about me (although we both talked alot about ourselves), and even said it was including her for the rushing. And then ended by saying that we are different and communicate differently and doesnt know how it can be fixed. I only replied back just saying how much she means to me and that I will also work on our relationship, which meant understanding her condition more, reading books and even going to therapy. she replied the next day just saying I say the same things and nothing can be done as she cant be in a relationship when she cant even be herself... .which twisted everything I said previously in that I wanted her to be herself, going out seeing friends etc.

Couple of days later she then sends a text saying that she cant do a relationship right now and has been talking and thinking about it with others (not sure if therapsit is one of them). She mentioned how it would be unfair on me but also to herself a she cant commit any time or energy, but how she read and understands everything I said losing sleep over it etc, how awful she feels but doesnt feel comfortable anymore in it. I replied just saying I respect what she has thought about and accept it, but said that I will always be there for support and just to talk to, saying she doesnt have to apologise for anything  and that I would always be there no matter what.

Of course NC has now happened, and she seems to be making others feel sorry for her, but I have learnt recently she has had an OD. She recovering, but not sure how she feels because of NC.

I just want to know what has gone on, as I have read so many posts with similar backgrounds on being loved and appreciatted to a high extent, something of which I havent felt in a long time (around 5 years), to then her just not seeing me the same way, although i just was the same throughout our whole time knowing each other. Will she come back at some point even though her life seems so low and dangerous at the moment? I just wish I could also be there for her, not to save her as I know I cant do that, but to just let her know I understand and that I see her for herself, and making that recovery.

Sorry this is so long, but its most of the details from my point of view. Will be appreciated if any replies come through though.

Thanks

RJ.

[ARobert87]

Hey all,

About 6 days ago my ex broke off our relationship which left me hurt and devastated. She has had BPD diagnosed and for 8 years been trying therapy and other treatments. I'm just trying to understand a couple of things. One being that will she come back?

(Sorry this is a bit of an essay of the whole thing)

In my past I have only had 2 relationships one which lasted 9 months and the other which lasted 2 and a half years. I have had 'flings' with other women in between but have always been the one to break it off as I didnt feel anything long lasting.

I'm 28, male and thought I finally met someone after two years of being single and just myself (I wasnt interested in looking for even anything during this time, just focusing on myself). I met this girl through her mother at our local. She introduced me to her and I was just a typical person saying hello (although I was wanting to talk to her as she did get my attention, which I thought was odd). Later we both started talking and found out we had similar interests.

For 2 months after that we would just text every day to each other, just seeing how we are, how our day has gone etc. I started to really like this girl like I felt comfortable in just talking to her. One night she came down to see her mother and we met up again at the local pub and we just couldnt stop chatting and being together. Once the night ended in the local I asked her if she wanted to come to another place that does rock music and is open til late and she said yes. We had a good time and thats when we just looked at each other, hugged then kissed. We did become intimate a couple of days later, and she said she never showed her body to anyone since her last partner which was nearly 2 years ago, all because of the scars and that she was ashamed about herself. I saw nothing wrong and said she had a beautiful body. She just said it felt weird for her as she never felt comfortable like this with anyone before.

About two weeks later (we were more talkative now in texts and calls) I visited her and stayed at hers for the weekend which was also my birthday. Thats when I opened up to her saying that its hard for me to fall for someone, that in the past I have been hurt but it takes alot for me to trust but with her it seems to be different. Soon after that we started a relationship. Within this time we started making future commitments, which I understand is the whole honeymoon period and we had a rushing element of love and commitment to each other. She would even drive 2 hours from where she lived just to come and see me at night (one time my mates birthday and she just came down).

I said I can move up nearer to her, leave my job and get something new. This was during the christmas period and she was going abroad for that time to visit family. She told me though around this time about her past (about her ex and how he belittled her, to childhood trauma) and her condition(s) she has, but it didnt phase me as I just wanted her to be herself. She left me something that made me feel so appreciated that when she got back it made me love her even more. It was several pages of song lyrics that made her think of me with small notes on what they mean and how she has never felt like this before.

When she got back I noticed she was a bit distant but still loving. We even viewed a house together that she found for us and was so excited about it.

Then one evening about a week later I get a long text saying about how I need to understand why she has her friends in high self esteem and that I cant be her world etc. I was confused and just said 'thats fine' but I asked her mother about it. Her mother later on texted her and she soon went defensive towards me saying that I should ask her not her mum. I know this is a problem with trust but this text was so long and quite pushy that I didnt know who else to talk to. Since that I saw that she was pushing me away (I even saw some entries she made about wanting to sabotage but save this relationship around that same time). She kept on being more distant. I said to her about me handing in my notice at work as I was preparing to come up and get a job (as I had an interview planned) and even said about how I can find my own place at least as she then decided not to move out of her current house shared place.

When I arrived she was cold and didnt want any personal contact. I thought thats fine I understand, she just wants some space.

I gave her a gift (a piece of meteorite in a pendant) and said about how we first met we saw a shooting star and how much I wanted to give it to her as a first gift. She liked it... .well basically said 'Thats really cool' read the letter I did with it, smiled and put it back in the envelope.

The job interview didnt go well and I couldnt accept it, and noticed things werent going well between us either (she wouldnt even share a bed because she felt it was triggering past problems) with even me being in the house causing that.

This made me feel so bad that I couldnt do anything, so I left early so that I wasnt causing anymore stress for her and to give her space (that she said she needed). I asked her housemate who also suffers the same just to look out for her and know what she means to me. Later get a text saying the same thing about the time when I spoke to her mother etc but that she appreciates my concern. I didnt contact her for a week and when I did she just said she is alright but cant talk right now, no energy, sorry.

I sent a text later that night (as I had aaw she wanted to plan an overdose in an entry) just saying how much she is appreciated by others, that she is loved by her friends and me, that we will face rough waters but we will sail over them and get to our destination no matter what.

I then get a multitued of texts one after the other saying how I have lied in the past about my drinking (two occasions one at christmas and one at a friends memorial) and that she cant take the intensity although I never got drunk or violent around her, this was done in my own time with my friends. She then quickly started staing on how this is going fast and in a short time, how much I dont know about her and her about me (although we both talked alot about ourselves), and even said it was including her for the rushing. And then ended by saying that we are different and communicate differently and doesnt know how it can be fixed. I only replied back just saying how much she means to me and that I will also work on our relationship, which meant understanding her condition more, reading books and even going to therapy. she replied the next day just saying I say the same things and nothing can be done as she cant be in a relationship when she cant even be herself... .which twisted everything I said previously in that I wanted her to be herself, going out seeing friends etc.

Couple of days later she then sends a text saying that she cant do a relationship right now and has been talking and thinking about it with others (not sure if therapsit is one of them). She mentioned how it would be unfair on me but also to herself a she cant commit any time or energy, but how she read and understands everything I said losing sleep over it etc, how awful she feels but doesnt feel comfortable anymore in it. I replied just saying I respect what she has thought about and accept it, but said that I will always be there for support and just to talk to, saying she doesnt have to apologise for anything  and that I would always be there no matter what.

Of course NC has now happened, and she seems to be making others feel sorry for her, but I have learnt recently she has had an OD. She recovering, but not sure how she feels because of NC.

I just want to know what has gone on, as I have read so many posts with similar backgrounds on being loved and appreciatted to a high extent, something of which I havent felt in a long time (around 5 years), to then her just not seeing me the same way, although i just was the same throughout our whole time knowing each other. Will she come back at some point even though her life seems so low and dangerous at the moment? I just wish I could also be there for her, not to save her as I know I cant do that, but to just let her know I understand and that I see her for herself, and making that recovery.

Sorry this is so long, but its most of the details from my point of view. Will be appreciated if any replies come through though.

Thanks

RJ.

[joeramabeme]

Hey RJ, I read through your story hear and I am seeing a lot of push/pull behaviors, very typical for pwBPD traits.  Your attempt to contact her mum may well have felt exposing to her and created a sense that you were getting too close.

Regarding your comment that you just want to tell her that you are thinking of her; that may not be what she is looking for at the moment and may even feel threatening; particularly if you have triggered her fear of enmeshment.  It might be best to give her some space and let her come to you.  pwBPD have incredibly strong survival skills and have learned how to navigate very difficult circumstances, I am sure she will come through this one too.

How long was your r/s with her?  Do you feel that this r/s has been/is the primary love of your life?

[ARobert87]

Hey Joeramabeme,

thank you for your reply.

Our relationship was roughly around 3 months (plus 2 months of general talking/knowing each other). I know it is very short and to jump to such commitments about our future must have scared her. I was scared too but I did say about making changes, slowing things down, hence why I was ready to find my own place (not ours as originally planned) and to just do things together like couples would (go for coffees, see a film) and if she didnt want to do anything then and be alone then I would have just carried on with my online studies.

As I said at the beginning I am very wary of relationships as the two main ones I have had ended badly with them leaving me for someone else hence why I was scared about this one, but she did break my barriers down very quickly due to what she said to me. I havent felt like that with anyone, just scary for me as I really dont want to feel that this is how it ended with us. It did feel like the primary love of my life. Many people say to me that there's always someone else etc with plenty of fish in the sea (urghhh hate that saying). I never looked for her, but just met and felt comfortable with each other.

I know she still has her friends and some family, and even her pets (she adores them) but for me I just feel like I'm left out now, I was someone who just came and went even though she knows how much I love her.

She is a survivor, (something which I have told her I respect), from everything she has faced in her life.

[joeramabeme]

Hey Joeramabeme,

thank you for your reply.

Our relationship was roughly around 3 months (plus 2 months of general talking/knowing each other). I know it is very short and to jump to such commitments about our future must have scared her. I was scared too but I did say about making changes, slowing things down, hence why I was ready to find my own place (not ours as originally planned) and to just do things together like couples would (go for coffees, see a film) and if she didnt want to do anything then and be alone then I would have just carried on with my online studies.

As I said at the beginning I am very wary of relationships as the two main ones I have had ended badly with them leaving me for someone else hence why I was scared about this one, but she did break my barriers down very quickly due to what she said to me. I havent felt like that with anyone, just scary for me as I really dont want to feel that this is how it ended with us. It did feel like the primary love of my life. Many people say to me that there's always someone else etc with plenty of fish in the sea (urghhh hate that saying). I never looked for her, but just met and felt comfortable with each other.

I know she still has her friends and some family, and even her pets (she adores them) but for me I just feel like I'm left out now, I was someone who just came and went even though she knows how much I love her.

She is a survivor, (something which I have told her I respect), from everything she has faced in her life.

ARobert - Much of what you say is very typical of everyone's stories here.  And yes, I too do not like plenty of fish in the sea.  Yet, there is some truth to this and the truth is not so much that there are more fish but as to why this fish is so irresistible?  It is a strange twist indeed that we, as non-BPD types, have a knack for getting with someone that has all the right stuff aka "I havent felt like that with anyone". 

Do you suspect that she has the same pattern of behavior with other men that she has dated?  PWBPD traits do not change quickly - if at all.  I would be willing to guess that she has repeated this same type of r/s pattern with other men. Point being that her behaviors are probably not at all about you, rather, about her BPD traits.

Have you thought about why "she did break my barriers down very quickly"?  Was it a stylistic way about her?  The way she understood you or made you feel?  These are important questions that can help us understand what our attraction was.

Even though your r/s was relatively short in duration, the power is no less... .