Warning Off New Interests

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm only two months out but I've already had to warn someone else away from me. They seemed to understand, but I know I hurt her even though I wasn't mean about it. She really likes me, has for years, knew me before I got together with my exBPDgf. Knew me through my last three girlfriends in fact; we don't have a history except that of a very very deep and mutually respectful friendship (and attraction and such, never acted on).

We've gone long periods without talking because I only ever had the one partner with BPD, but I did have a tendency of attracting jealous girls. My friendship with this person always made my SOs uncomfortable, they were insecure and could sense the really really deep bond the two of us share and it made them feel threatened. My exBPDgf went so far as to make veiled threats at her which scared the hell out of her and pushed her away from me. She sent me a message after that saying "you know I'll be there on the other side of this, but for now I just can't take the risk on you, I'm actually really scared right now." You'd think that would have shown me something, but it didn't. I was smitten, as we do.

So when she heard it was over she reached out to me. Genuinely and with love, the real kind of love that doesn't hide swords in its wings, and just said "hey buddy, you okay?", like it hadn't been two years since we'd spoken. It was awesome. I'm glad she's been there for me, without malice or hidden intent. We need that after going through the flaming hoops and danger... .no expectations or demands, just care.

We've spent a lot of time catching up. I've spent a lot of time apologizing for being with someone that drove her away. For not seeing the flags and not heeding the gut feelings and higher voice in my head that told me I was throwing away too much for something doomed to fail. She's been very understanding and forgiving. She's a real friend, that's what they do. Yet I felt fears, saw minefields and traps where there were none but my self talk kept me in check. I didn't screw it up, I didn't reach too far too fast, I just let the sensation of unconditional love, not a disordered one but a real one, wash over me and it was sublime, calm, safe.

So the other night we didn't just meet for lunch or pints or chatter, we made a plan ahead of time and without speaking about it first we both seemed to dress like we were going somewhere better later (as I type that I hear Tom Waits growling out "you wear a dress, baby I'll wear a tie... ." and we were having a great time.

A few hours into the evening she looks at me, smiles this crooked smile, puts her hand on top of mine and says "Hey man, I think we're on a date. Are you okay with that?"

Sudden terror. Dread. I turned my hand over under hers and closed my fingers around her hand. Shook my head, bit my lip, tried to find words but only found tears in my eyes. My voice had fled.

She held my hand tighter and my palms and brow started sweating. "Are you okay? I'm sorry if I said something wrong... ." She looked confused, sad, sorry, ashamed maybe?

I tried to maintain eye contact and failed. Tears fell. I pulled my hand away. I'm a regular where we were and know all the staff, I motioned for the bill. I tried to look her in the eye again and couldn't.

"It's not your fault, " I told her, counting money and shoving it at the waitress. "It's not your fault, I'm just terrified you're going to bore me because you aren't going to try and destroy me."

And I left. I just left her there. I got up and left and hit the bricks, walking home.

Half way home her car pulls up next to me on the street. She rolls the window down, looks at me, face a mask of things I could read between the lines to decipher and be wrong about because of the tangled mess the last three and half years of my life has been and my inability to navigate a real relationship with a real person that isn't ill. She nods at the passenger door with her chin. I got in. She didn't say a thing on the way to my house and neither did I. We pulled up outside and she looked over, soft eyes, soft face, no danger at all. It was foreign, alien, safe, foreign, weird, safe, and so so very weird and foreign.

"Get out," she says, softly, kindly, eyes wet.

I mumble about being sorry, fumble at the door handle, she puts her hand on my leg and I flinch.

"I don't mean get out of my car you big dummy," she whispers. "Get out of the place you're in. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you're ready, you deserved better."

I couldn't even say goodbye. I just got out, stumbled upstairs, cried myself to sleep.

It's clearly still too F'ing soon.

[Shale]

I'm only two months out but I've already had to warn someone else away from me. They seemed to understand, but I know I hurt her even though I wasn't mean about it. She really likes me, has for years, knew me before I got together with my exBPDgf. Knew me through my last three girlfriends in fact; we don't have a history except that of a very very deep and mutually respectful friendship (and attraction and such, never acted on).

We've gone long periods without talking because I only ever had the one partner with BPD, but I did have a tendency of attracting jealous girls. My friendship with this person always made my SOs uncomfortable, they were insecure and could sense the really really deep bond the two of us share and it made them feel threatened. My exBPDgf went so far as to make veiled threats at her which scared the hell out of her and pushed her away from me. She sent me a message after that saying "you know I'll be there on the other side of this, but for now I just can't take the risk on you, I'm actually really scared right now." You'd think that would have shown me something, but it didn't. I was smitten, as we do.

So when she heard it was over she reached out to me. Genuinely and with love, the real kind of love that doesn't hide swords in its wings, and just said "hey buddy, you okay?", like it hadn't been two years since we'd spoken. It was awesome. I'm glad she's been there for me, without malice or hidden intent. We need that after going through the flaming hoops and danger... .no expectations or demands, just care.

We've spent a lot of time catching up. I've spent a lot of time apologizing for being with someone that drove her away. For not seeing the flags and not heeding the gut feelings and higher voice in my head that told me I was throwing away too much for something doomed to fail. She's been very understanding and forgiving. She's a real friend, that's what they do. Yet I felt fears, saw minefields and traps where there were none but my self talk kept me in check. I didn't screw it up, I didn't reach too far too fast, I just let the sensation of unconditional love, not a disordered one but a real one, wash over me and it was sublime, calm, safe.

So the other night we didn't just meet for lunch or pints or chatter, we made a plan ahead of time and without speaking about it first we both seemed to dress like we were going somewhere better later (as I type that I hear Tom Waits growling out "you wear a dress, baby I'll wear a tie... ." and we were having a great time.

A few hours into the evening she looks at me, smiles this crooked smile, puts her hand on top of mine and says "Hey man, I think we're on a date. Are you okay with that?"

Sudden terror. Dread. I turned my hand over under hers and closed my fingers around her hand. Shook my head, bit my lip, tried to find words but only found tears in my eyes. My voice had fled.

She held my hand tighter and my palms and brow started sweating. "Are you okay? I'm sorry if I said something wrong... ." She looked confused, sad, sorry, ashamed maybe?

I tried to maintain eye contact and failed. Tears fell. I pulled my hand away. I'm a regular where we were and know all the staff, I motioned for the bill. I tried to look her in the eye again and couldn't.

"It's not your fault, " I told her, counting money and shoving it at the waitress. "It's not your fault, I'm just terrified you're going to bore me because you aren't going to try and destroy me."

And I left. I just left her there. I got up and left and hit the bricks, walking home.

Half way home her car pulls up next to me on the street. She rolls the window down, looks at me, face a mask of things I could read between the lines to decipher and be wrong about because of the tangled mess the last three and half years of my life has been and my inability to navigate a real relationship with a real person that isn't ill. She nods at the passenger door with her chin. I got in. She didn't say a thing on the way to my house and neither did I. We pulled up outside and she looked over, soft eyes, soft face, no danger at all. It was foreign, alien, safe, foreign, weird, safe, and so so very weird and foreign.

"Get out," she says, softly, kindly, eyes wet.

I mumble about being sorry, fumble at the door handle, she puts her hand on my leg and I flinch.

"I don't mean get out of my car you big dummy," she whispers. "Get out of the place you're in. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you're ready, you deserved better."

I couldn't even say goodbye. I just got out, stumbled upstairs, cried myself to sleep.

It's clearly still too F'ing soon.

[Shale]

I think the reason I posted this is because I have no idea how to explain to someone why I can't have anything to do with them in that way at this time. I've never done that. Anytime I had someone interested in me I was available and into them too. Until now. Hence being here, on this forum.

I have no idea how to interact with women who show interest in me. I'm a good friend or conversationalist over a drink or two... .but I seem to have lost all ability to handle anything beyond that. Is this common? Is it a bad breakup thing, or a bad BPD break up thing? Every relationship I ever had before this ended in a healthy manner... .some sadness, you move one, etc. But this is different and I think I'm going to have a hard time navigating emotional situations with women for some time.

*sigh*

[Fr4nz]

It is absolutely normal after these relationships... .Don't be hard on yourself pal. Hang in there!

[joeramabeme]

I think the reason I posted this is because I have no idea how to explain to someone why I can't have anything to do with them in that way at this time. I've never done that. Anytime I had someone interested in me I was available and into them too. Until now. Hence being here, on this forum.

I have no idea how to interact with women who show interest in me. I'm a good friend or conversationalist over a drink or two... .but I seem to have lost all ability to handle anything beyond that. Is this common? Is it a bad breakup thing, or a bad BPD break up thing? Every relationship I ever had before this ended in a healthy manner... .some sadness, you move one, etc. But this is different and I think I'm going to have a hard time navigating emotional situations with women for some time.

*sigh*

Shale - I can relate to what you are talking about.  It has been 7 months since my uBPDexw moved out and I still have a hard time finding interest in other women.  Not that I don't think about it all, I just know that it is too soon because the wound is still tender.  Probably a good idea to acknowledge where your heart is at and give it some time.

Break ups involving a pwBPD are hard because there are so many unanswered questions and puzzle pieces that lay strewn on the floor with our heart being a part of it all - at least that has been my experience.  I still read the literature because as more time goes by I understand it more completely and how it relates to my experiences.  Only lately have I begun to sense that I get it.

Hang in there.  How long of a r/s did you have with your ex?

[Shale]

How long of a r/s did you have with your ex?

Three and a half years. Both the best and worst three and a half years of my life.

[joeramabeme]

That's a pretty long time to be with someone.  And it has been two months?  The good news is that you are in touch with your feelings and looking for some answers.  Keep posting.

[steelwork]

That's a pretty long time to be with someone.  And it has been two months?  The good news is that you are in touch with your feelings and looking for some answers.  Keep posting.

You're doing good.

I did a little dating in the early months, just trying to get my confidence up. Even slept with one poor guy and ended up balling my eyes out in his bed. You avoided that. I repeat, you're doing good. Hang in there.