I think my wifehave BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone, That's my first post here.

I'm writing because I'm really desperate, and need some help. I've come a long way till I discovered what is BPD.

I'm 43 years old. My wife and I are together for 20 years now. We have a beautiful 14 year boy, my greatest pride in life.

When I first met my wife, she was a sweet and funny girl, who became my company in everything. She was nice, kind and we had a lot of fun in the beginning of our relationship. In fact, when I was most lonely, she helped me a lot.

It didn't took too long for me to notice some changes. After a couple of years, she was showing more and more some disturbing behavior, increasingly becoming angry all the time. Our fights were getting each time more vicious (although never physical). On the other hand, me with my conciliating mood always tried to manage the situations what, looking back, just made it everything worse.

She's a lawyer. But when she was pregnant, she decided to stop, and devote to raise our son. I was ok with the decision, and supported the family since then. But she never found a good time to return to her activities. Now she says she chose the wrong profession, and returned to university (in a completely different area). And again, I was supportive. But I think she misses the professional realization, and blames me for her failure.

After my son was born, and after I lost a job and started a home office (which, after 5 years, is going fine) our life is a complete mess. Here's what I'm living right now:

- Everything makes her angry: The slightest thing can turn her mood. And I can never seem to anticipate her angst.

- She's complaints about EVERYTHING: From the tone of my voice to the way I blow my nose. The way I breathe, the things I forget, the way I do the dishes, how my breath smells (and I'm very hygienic), the way I run my company, the subjects I talk, my memory, if I cook, if I don't cook. She complaints about the cleanliness of the house, because my body hair drops in the floor (I've finally shaved my head), if I move while watching a movie, the way I eat. Well, long story short, I hear complaints EVERYDAY, several times a day.

- She's always right: No matter what we're doing, she knows a better way. Her way. She have to be in control ALL THE TIME. When watching TV, the remote must be with her, when we are both in the car, she has to drive. She has to control where I go, what we will do in the weekend, if and who we will receive for holidays, what I'm going the wear, what we will eat.

- She's a terrible perfectionist: Anything we do is good enough, she always have something to point.

- Always puts me down: She's always telling me, in not so nice ways, that I can't do anything right. She's very practical, and knows how to use tools, and tries to do all by herself. Says that I'm not fitted for "man's work". In fact, I was very bad in the beginning, but now I know my way and do most of stuff I need to. She feels that everything wrong with her life is my fault. Always me.

- She always thinks she's overloaded: It's true, she works a lot, doing house and family stuff. But I always feel the work she does is always more painful than everybody in the world. If she does laundry, it's the worse laundry of the world. She tells us (me and my boy) the house is always dirty (although my house is constantly closed, and we can't even enter the house wearing shoes). She blames me for not earning sufficient money to hire a person to do the cleaning like everybody else (when in fact, I do). She tells me she does not have enough time for her because of my enormous flaws.

- She never apologize: Never, never, never. In all those years, I must have heard an apology only a very few times, and not for anything really important.

- She is pushing me away from my family: She had problems with my mother, with my sister, and if I let it go farther, with my brother, who is just about the nicest guy in the world. I feel my family took some distance, as I think is uncomfortable for them to watch her being hard to me all the time.

- She judges everybody: When we talk at home, she always has harsh things to say about everybody we know.

- It's very hard for her to compliment me - When I cook something nice, when I write her something sweet, when I do something right in the house, she never really does a real compliment. Only when something really different happens, and usually related to my work, I receive some not euphoric compliment. Even when I buy her gifts, she finds a way to criticize my choice.

- Out intimacy is very low - She sometimes complaint that I'm not the stallion she wanted. The fact is that I don't feel aroused after so much fighting all day. On the other hand, she gained a lot of weight during those years, and this affected me. Also, she is incapable of seducing me. She just waits for me, and if I do nothing, she sleeps and complaints after. She looks older than she is, because she thinks beauty treatments, like going to the salon for making a hair are a waste of time or money. I try to be in shape, lost some weight, and now a feel I'm better than she is.

- She has a strange relation with money: She never wants to spend, and is very insecure about money, which makes us not enjoying some comforts, in order to save money. I know this have a good side, but more than often, we are not doing things we want just to save some minor money.

I've been living with this problems for quite sometime now. Last year this became a real problem, and we decided to go for a couples therapy. This therapy result in nothing, but I decided to continue alone. She tried to be in therapy too, but she always complained that all her shrinks were bad, and she knew more than then.

I don't know what changed, but the fact is that I can't take it anymore. The worse thing is she can behavior like a princess in the outside, so for a good part of our friends, we have a perfect marriage, and this only makes the pressure higher on me. I've looked to all the sides of this story, and I can't think but it will not get better. Only worse with the time. Her family has a lot of problems too, including some very physical fights between her mom, dad and specially her older brother. And I think she is little by little transforming our family in hers.

She is a kind and loving mother, but as my son is becoming a teenager, her angst is getting to him more and more, and I fear for the future.

Unless something very new occurs, I'm considering getting a divorce. Which is very sad, because there's a very effective side in our marriage. We've conquer a lot by ourselves all this years. We never had any help, and she helped me through a lot of stuff. that's what kept me in until now. But I can't stand anymore being mistreated every day of my life.

Does somebody gone through something like that and can help me? Sorry for the long letter.

thank you

[RodW]

Hi everyone, That's my first post here.

I'm writing because I'm really desperate, and need some help. I've come a long way till I discovered what is BPD.

I'm 43 years old. My wife and I are together for 20 years now. We have a beautiful 14 year boy, my greatest pride in life.

When I first met my wife, she was a sweet and funny girl, who became my company in everything. She was nice, kind and we had a lot of fun in the beginning of our relationship. In fact, when I was most lonely, she helped me a lot.

It didn't took too long for me to notice some changes. After a couple of years, she was showing more and more some disturbing behavior, increasingly becoming angry all the time. Our fights were getting each time more vicious (although never physical). On the other hand, me with my conciliating mood always tried to manage the situations what, looking back, just made it everything worse.

She's a lawyer. But when she was pregnant, she decided to stop, and devote to raise our son. I was ok with the decision, and supported the family since then. But she never found a good time to return to her activities. Now she says she chose the wrong profession, and returned to university (in a completely different area). And again, I was supportive. But I think she misses the professional realization, and blames me for her failure.

After my son was born, and after I lost a job and started a home office (which, after 5 years, is going fine) our life is a complete mess. Here's what I'm living right now:

- Everything makes her angry: The slightest thing can turn her mood. And I can never seem to anticipate her angst.

- She's complaints about EVERYTHING: From the tone of my voice to the way I blow my nose. The way I breathe, the things I forget, the way I do the dishes, how my breath smells (and I'm very hygienic), the way I run my company, the subjects I talk, my memory, if I cook, if I don't cook. She complaints about the cleanliness of the house, because my body hair drops in the floor (I've finally shaved my head), if I move while watching a movie, the way I eat. Well, long story short, I hear complaints EVERYDAY, several times a day.

- She's always right: No matter what we're doing, she knows a better way. Her way. She have to be in control ALL THE TIME. When watching TV, the remote must be with her, when we are both in the car, she has to drive. She has to control where I go, what we will do in the weekend, if and who we will receive for holidays, what I'm going the wear, what we will eat.

- She's a terrible perfectionist: Anything we do is good enough, she always have something to point.

- Always puts me down: She's always telling me, in not so nice ways, that I can't do anything right. She's very practical, and knows how to use tools, and tries to do all by herself. Says that I'm not fitted for "man's work". In fact, I was very bad in the beginning, but now I know my way and do most of stuff I need to. She feels that everything wrong with her life is my fault. Always me.

- She always thinks she's overloaded: It's true, she works a lot, doing house and family stuff. But I always feel the work she does is always more painful than everybody in the world. If she does laundry, it's the worse laundry of the world. She tells us (me and my boy) the house is always dirty (although my house is constantly closed, and we can't even enter the house wearing shoes). She blames me for not earning sufficient money to hire a person to do the cleaning like everybody else (when in fact, I do). She tells me she does not have enough time for her because of my enormous flaws.

- She never apologize: Never, never, never. In all those years, I must have heard an apology only a very few times, and not for anything really important.

- She is pushing me away from my family: She had problems with my mother, with my sister, and if I let it go farther, with my brother, who is just about the nicest guy in the world. I feel my family took some distance, as I think is uncomfortable for them to watch her being hard to me all the time.

- She judges everybody: When we talk at home, she always has harsh things to say about everybody we know.

- It's very hard for her to compliment me - When I cook something nice, when I write her something sweet, when I do something right in the house, she never really does a real compliment. Only when something really different happens, and usually related to my work, I receive some not euphoric compliment. Even when I buy her gifts, she finds a way to criticize my choice.

- Out intimacy is very low - She sometimes complaint that I'm not the stallion she wanted. The fact is that I don't feel aroused after so much fighting all day. On the other hand, she gained a lot of weight during those years, and this affected me. Also, she is incapable of seducing me. She just waits for me, and if I do nothing, she sleeps and complaints after. She looks older than she is, because she thinks beauty treatments, like going to the salon for making a hair are a waste of time or money. I try to be in shape, lost some weight, and now a feel I'm better than she is.

- She has a strange relation with money: She never wants to spend, and is very insecure about money, which makes us not enjoying some comforts, in order to save money. I know this have a good side, but more than often, we are not doing things we want just to save some minor money.

I've been living with this problems for quite sometime now. Last year this became a real problem, and we decided to go for a couples therapy. This therapy result in nothing, but I decided to continue alone. She tried to be in therapy too, but she always complained that all her shrinks were bad, and she knew more than then.

I don't know what changed, but the fact is that I can't take it anymore. The worse thing is she can behavior like a princess in the outside, so for a good part of our friends, we have a perfect marriage, and this only makes the pressure higher on me. I've looked to all the sides of this story, and I can't think but it will not get better. Only worse with the time. Her family has a lot of problems too, including some very physical fights between her mom, dad and specially her older brother. And I think she is little by little transforming our family in hers.

She is a kind and loving mother, but as my son is becoming a teenager, her angst is getting to him more and more, and I fear for the future.

Unless something very new occurs, I'm considering getting a divorce. Which is very sad, because there's a very effective side in our marriage. We've conquer a lot by ourselves all this years. We never had any help, and she helped me through a lot of stuff. that's what kept me in until now. But I can't stand anymore being mistreated every day of my life.

Does somebody gone through something like that and can help me? Sorry for the long letter.

thank you

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[Chilibean13]

So sorry for everything you are going through Rod. Your stories sound just like many others here. For many of us the constant mood swings left us confused, walking on egg shells, and feeling guilty over things that had little or nothing to do with us. It's hard. Thankfully you found this site.

I would highly suggest that you start reading the lessons on the right side of the page. There is A LOT of helpful info on learning about BPD. These lessons will teach you more about BPD, patterns related to it, things that we (the nons) to do that make things worse for ourselves, and the best part--ways to talk to, validate, and handle conflict with your pwBPD.

Come here to share and learn. It is like a breath of fresh air to know that you aren't crazy and that there are other people experiencing and currently going through many of the same things you are. We may not be able to get the support form our spouses that we need but we can get support for ourselves through this site. Welcome!