It gets better...

[herovillain]

I discovered this site a few years ago while going thru a painful divorce with my uBPD ex. I never posted anything but I read ALOT. It really helped me to understand the situation I was in because alot of the stories were eerily similar to my own. I never felt like I could really talk with friends or family because I didn't feel like they understood her at all. She was just manipulative, a liar, a cheat... .and she was, but she was also more than that. She was a kind and decent person, a good mother, and my best friend... .and then she wasn't. And I believe there was real remorse about what she'd done and sincerity about trying to put it all back together. We even got married again. But then it didn't matter anymore. So in their eyes it never mattered to her, she never truly loved me... .But I know she did. I know it mattered... .I mattered.

What this site gave me was a bit of understanding. Not in a sense that I have her all figured out by any means (she continues to surprise me) but rather the complexity and intensity of her outlook and feelings, which are so different than my own. Our first divorce almost broke me... .but it didn't. I remember thinking to myself to keep slogging thru it. I pictured myself walking thru mud one step at a time. The room I was staying in had a framed picture of the serenity prayer which was a nice little dose of wisdom to remind me of what I could control (me) and what I couldn't (her). There were moments of weakness, and a really low point that almost did me in, but I survived.

And then for a moment I had won it all back. But it didn't last... .A couple of years later we were back in court but by then I didn't try to stop her from leaving. I wasn't in love with her anymore... .I just realized that one day. Certainly made it easier. I don't regret her and I don't regret getting back together with her. I tried for us and for our kids (they live with me now). But I also realized that we're both better off apart. I grew alot from what I went thru. I forgave her long ago, which is a gift I gave myself as well as her. I see things more clearly now. There is less dysfunction in my life. My finances (which I DO regret) are finally under control. I still care about her... .I know I always will. I'm not perfect but I am better.

It really does get better... .Just remember that.

[bschooled]

Thank you for sharing this. It's so hard to explain to outsiders that they aren't malicious or intentionally cruel. Especially when their actions seem to indicate otherwise.

For a disorder that revolves around such strict black and white thinking, there are too many gray areas to explain to people who haven't loved someone with BPD.

[herovillain]

Right, very well put. Thanks.