Trying to love my partner and be there for her but not sure I ultimately can

[Texson]

Hi. 

I originally posted on the board for those who are probably moving toward divorce.  That may be the one I need to go to, but I'm not ready to give up just yet.  It was suggested that I post here.

My wife is undiagnosed, but we are in a real crisis right now brought about on some level by the way we have handled her behavior and how it has impacted my son/her stepson.  (His mother, my former spouse, got the courts involved.)  Anyway, my family is in turmoil - I'm being blamed and told I must unwaveringly support my uBPD wife which is hard bc she is not always reacting rationally.  She's become even more controlling, untrusting and hateful of me.  I'm on constant probation because I've "done things to destroy us" and the slightest misstep - some of which I can't even see at the time, some of which happen because I'm trying so hard to orchestrate things under the table to avoid pissing her off - keep me in the doghouse.

The solution that is offered to me a lot is me establishing appropriate boundaries, but I really need help with this.  (In particular, I don't know how to bring them up in a non-threatening way that won't get me in the doghouse again.  I could try to find a time when we're quiet, calm and loving, but those are so few and far between and I'm so hungry for them that I forget to do the hard work I need to do.)  I'm starting to see a therapist who specializes in personality disorders and I hope that he can coach me.

I really do love my wife, but our home is so sad and unhealthy that it's hurting our children who are growing up in it.

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