Fresh out of possibly one of the worst experiences of my life.

[belly583]

Hi everyone. My name is G. I am here to get some insight into what i've went through this past year. At a previous job i met a woman, beautiful, on the surface everything seemed normal and she really seemed very smart. So after a few months of talking we got together. Keep in mind we still worked together. And it seems from the moment we said lets be together the bs started. Now to keep it short without going into every incident lets say the bs lasted a couple of months and consisted of extremely flirtatious behavior, lies, child like games etc etc. I know i should have left but pride got in the way because i didnt want to look even worse at work than i already started to look, because she even manipulated people at the job to believe i was insecure and crazy. I couldnt believe it what was happening i felt like i was loosing my mind. So eventually i quit the job and left her. She eventually sucked me backed in with thee old suicidal manipulation and change. I thought it very odd that she stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped drinking over night like it was nothing. She also found religion and i did see effort to do better so i stayed. I was so paranoid the only way i could stay is if i would constantly check everything. Eventually she started again with subtle odd behavior and splitting me so i left again this time the behavior was not so extreme but i didnt want to find out how extreme it could be. So i came back again. So a few weeks ago she starts the pressure about marriage because in order to take the next step in her religion she can't be having sex out of wedlock. Now i'm all for change and i support that if it wasn't for the fact that some of the odd behaviors accompanied with this new pressure showing as well such as, out of know where, where it seems like she's hiding something, and since i dealt with that the first few months of the relationship, i know her moves whens she's being dishonest. So anyway 2 weeks ago she says she doesnt want to have sex anymore then fast forward we have an argument a day ago where i express my feelings about it all. And she demonizes me for it and says i always say hurtful things. So she kicked me out and i told her i wasn't ready to marry her. Side note. She is in denial about her behavior so much so if you discuss it she gets in a rage or changes the subject quickly. She was diagnosed with BPD at 14 but said they changed it. that was over 20 years ago. And i believe it stigmatized her. Anywho my problem now is i have the want to check in on her to see if she's got somebody new already and i guess just see if there was any love in that cold heart of hers. I really feel bad even though i know she'd probably do this to most people while she's still ill and not selfaware in my opinion.

[thisworld]

Hello Belly583

Welcome to bpdfamily!

I'm sorry for the rollercoaster you have been through but I'm happy that you have found us. Your experience resonates with many people here. We have all been through the vulnerable seducer, clinger and hater phases, experienced radical changes in identity, values and styles due to lack of a stable sense of self and found ourselves wondering what was going on in our exes' lives after splitting up with them. 

How do you feel nowadays?

As you probably would know, some people with BPD are quick to find replacements, which is part of the disorder as well. Does this in any way affect what you are thinking about the future of your relationship?

Please keep posting as we are stronger together

Best,

TW

[belly583]

Honestly i feel bad. I have feelings of inadequacy, i am consumed with thinking about what she's up to and was there any type of love there. As it was just 2 days ago i'm still kind of feeling it. I definitely understand that they find replacements quickly and i think she was working on one the last few weeks and using religion to either corner me to marry her or to leave. I feel she didn't want to keep hiding whatever she was doing so she had to demonize me and make an effort to push me out of the way. In which case deep down i know i can't deal with what she has and what she will put me through again and again. I'm not too much on the jealous side because i'm sure the cycle will be repeated with most people she comes across but its still a little rough right now.

[Tobiasfunke]

Hey bud. You aren't inadequate. I'm sure you did everything in your power to do the right thing by your ex. I'm sure you went over and above on a daily basis. You are probably a great person like the rest of the people on this site. Wondering how you got into this mess. My best advice is no contact ever. Sucks but that's what helps me detach.

[FallBack!Monster]

Your story sounds so similar to mine. Work, woman, working together, etc.

What helps me is that I make sure I keep in mind all the unnecessary lies.  That alone should be able to change your mind about this person.  If she would lie to you about something simple, what wouldn't she lie to you about?

The one thing that haunted me for a few weeks was thinking... .damn! it was all a lie? No love? no Nothing? No friendship?  She really moved on? etc... .and stuff like that.  But if I remember correctly, I never trusted her.  My mind was never calm while she was in my life. I wanted to go back in time and change the first time I addressed the first words to her. I really did think the worse of her, but then again she never gave me a reason to think good of her... .except for her words.  But her actions spoke way louder about who she really was.

I knew detaching wasn't going to be easy for me because she was around me almost everyday for about 5 months.  I also knew that if I didn't my life was over.  I was just waiting for her to make her move and I was willing to deal with the pain if it came.  I missed her but I never went to see her.  She invited me over but I never went even though a stupid side of me wanted to.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I she because just someone that I use to know.  I just wish it didn't take her 6 months to finally disappear because that's the only reason why I even missed her.  She was around me 5 1/2 months too long.

I still think of her.  Sometimes I think I miss her but I'm smart enough to realize that I'm missing the person who I thought she was not the person she is.  She is not nice and sweet.  She is selfish and self-centered and she uses people.  If there's nothing in it for her, she won't mess with you.  That's all you have to think about.  It might hurt but we are all capable of overcoming any evil.  One day at a time.  It gets easier as time goes by.  Think about how disrespectful and deceitful she was and realize how that gig wasn't for you to begin with.  That's how I look at it.

I had so much to do and w/o knowing I had put everything on hold waiting for the next backstabbing move she was going to make on me.  Who can live like that?  Can you?

Think about everything that happened, not about who she is with.  Who cares!  Just thank goodness she would soon be out of your mind and you can get on, hopefully with a normal life.  Try to focus on you.  You can even try feeling sorry for the next person she's with now  ... .

[belly583]

Man thanks for the insight it really is helping me. I guess you live and you learn i bumped my head one too many times with this woman and i know i don't want to try and be with anyone like her ever in life. I did check to see what she was up to though and found out she was at a hotel room last night so my suspicions where confirmed and i feel better knowing i guess i just wish i could speed up the process of detaching. But i appreciate the help from all of you, it feels good knowing others have went through this with these types of people and made it out ok and wiser.