Embarrassed of the past

[Jox]

Hi all,

It has been only 5 days I left him. I feel good, I think due to 3 months of attending self support group and working many things out, so the actual physical departure is not affecting me much, or not emotionally.

But there is one thing:

I am embarrassed of the abuse I had endured.  I even don't remember it well. I take it as if I was destructive towards myself, that it was my fault, and that now I have some dirty secret to hide.

I feel "different" from people around me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Jox-

I am embarrassed of the abuse I had endured.  I even don't remember it well. I take it as if I was destructive towards myself, that it was my fault, and that now I have some dirty secret to hide.

You could make it mean you have a dirty secret to hide, or you could use it.  You could use the pain of that embarrassment to never, ever let it happen again.  How would you do that?  What do you need to change?  For me it was simple: don't ignore red flags.  In hindsight my ex telegraphed her focus and who she really was very early, and my gut feel raised a flag but I ignored it, forged ahead anyway; if I'd been paying attention we never would have made it past the second date.  Well see what happened?  I accepted significant abuse and stayed anyway, and the reasons for that have become clear and I'm actually glad it happened, that kind of thing can sure inspire some growth, but point is I never, ever want to be subjected to abuse like that again, the solution is simple, and it's in my control.

So how can you use that embarrassment?

[Jox]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

You are so right, red flags, I am noticing now that I even don't catch them even in minor situation in social encounters.

But there was something in the past that connects in a way that bothers me. I was fiscally been abused by my father. Even in therapy this didn't come up. It is only when my sister who happens to be in therapy at the same time told me that she was terrified whit these events.  When she told me I was at shock that I didn't bring this up in therapy.

Worst, with my sister I didn't continue the conversation, nor I did when my aunt reflected on it.  Many years later, better say now I am coming to terms with the abuse, thanks Allice Miller.

In a way I thought it was some kind of dirty secret that must be kept in science, that it was my fault, and that I also have to protect my father.

Strangely the abuse from my partner seems to jump into that category. By no means I am going to lock it into the pantry, but I feel it is creeping to it.

[Ab123]

You're not alone. After I got back together with my exbfwBPD after the first time we broke up, I felt like I had to keep his subsequent bad behavior a secret, because I felt like such an idiot for putting up with it. I felt like it was my fault I was experiencing it, and was ashamed. (No physical abuse, but plenty of bizarre behavior and raging). 

And, I understand wanting to protect him. What still baffles me about my ex, who I think is BPD with no comorbidities except adhd, is the lack of malice. He really wants to be a good person and really tries. It doesn't fit with the profile of a typical abuser or selfish relationship partner. Even though he is horrible to me, I feel so sorry for him.

[JQ]

Ab,

You should never feel embarrassed for the life lessons you've learned not only about yourself ... .but of the serious Cluster B mental illness of BPD.  We have all been there where  you're at ... .what you do with the information from this life lesson is for you to decide and it sounds as if you're chosen wisely!

Remember the this is a combination of physical defect within the brain & environmental as some studies have indicated.  Why should you be at all embarrassed about this? I hope that his has given you the strength and courage to look deep within yourself as to why you were attracted to him to begin with then continued to go back. Without going into to much detail would it be safe to say that you are a codependent and are naturally attracted to a person who is broken ... .only wanting to "fix, love, care" for them ... .we've all been there ... .and you're among friends who truly understand the destructive nature of this horrible mental illness that has no cure to it.

It's ok to love your BPD ... .it's ok to miss your BPD ... .it's ok to feel empathy for them because of this horrible mental illness that they have ... .but never feel sorry for you actions for wanting to show someone who disparately wants to be loved ... .but is incapable of really understanding of being in love ... .BPD behavior doesn't and will never make common sense ... .

be kind to yourself Ab ... .you're among friends 

J

[once removed]

hey jox 

I am embarrassed of the abuse I had endured.  I even don't remember it well. I take it as if I was destructive towards myself, that it was my fault, and that now I have some dirty secret to hide.

I feel "different" from people around me.

i admire your courage in sharing this with us. these are common feelings among victims of abuse. i can tell you all day that there is no excuse for abuse and that no one deserves it and it is never anyone fault if they are abused and im sure you understand that. the fact is abuse tends to create a sense of shame, and embarrassment. its very challenging to cope with these feelings. have you considered seeing a therapist?