Urgent question regarding an upcoming dysregulation

[waitingwife]

UBPDH has been travelling due to some messy work situation and my family lives close to us. So they know that he is travelling due to the messy situation and I had told H that I am going to share the reason with them as they are my support system. Now my sil is a bit of a loud mouth & always has no filters what to share with whom and justifies herself by saying she is innocent and I feel she is too naive. So at a big party, some friends asked H about his travel & said that my sil said he is in a messy situation due to which he HAS to travel and I could see he was starting to dysregulate coz he had told me that he doesn't want to tell anybody that he is travelling a lot due to work because he has no choice... .He makes it sound like he is travelling coz he is needed at the other office.

So I am expecting some fireworks and we had just started to have a harmonious r/s coz of the space we were both getting from his travel and after we talked out a few things... .

Now how do I get into the center of this triangle?

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[waverider]

So they know that he is travelling due to the messy situation and I had told H that I am going to share the reason with them as they are my support system.

What did he say when you informed him of this? Was he ok with that?

If he accepted this then the rest sounds like it was inevitable.

What did you expect to happen once you shared this knowing your SIL was unlikely to keep it to herself?

Where you aware it would cause a drama if it got out? Or did it not seem like a big thing at the time, and if it didn't why did you feel compelled to share it?

[waitingwife]

Yes, he was okay with it. I know my sil too well & know that she has no filters when it comes to sharing so I should have mentioned to keep this to herself or not shared coz it wasn't my information in the first place... .But then I just felt like my family should know the reason so if I need help they'll be there for me... I honestly didn't think it would cause such a drama coz I only got to inow later that he doesn't want to share it with a lot of people coz he feels vulnerable.

We had s talk & he asked why on earth did my SIL have to open her mouth about his reasons for travel. I said I agree & I also felt wierd when our common friend knew the reasons however I said I didn't restrict/tell sil to keep it a secret. H said from now maybe we shouldn't tell them our family secrets. I said okay and also asked if he wants me to tell sil that from now on, could she keep it to herself? Coz I did only part of the communication coz I didn't know that it was meant to keep a secret. He said no it's okay... .It doesn't make me a bad person and it's a small thing... ., he said he doesn't care!

Of course my brother's family got bad mouthed by him a little but I listened & said there are things that I don't like either but that it helps me to let them be cozthey are a different family with a different idea of fun or different priorities in life... .

Handled decent?

[waverider]

Sounds like it went well, everyones point of view was validated, and not too much reactionary blaming.

[waitingwife]

Thanks for validating me

[waitingwife]

Thanks, I am at a good place right now coz for the first time I did not JADE and said what I truly meant without totally obsessing over how it would make him feel or obsessing over whether it'll cause a dysregulation/rage. Now he is really dusregulating inside and I felt like I deflected his inner pain back to him. My job now is to take care of myself and just find happiness within.

Since I am also newly starting to overcome my codependency, I have this innate need to ask him whether he is happy coz he appears slightly disturbed and I have always feared to ask him that directly with good eye contact but as I am filling up myemotiinal reservoir, my confidence is slowly rising and my belief in myself is starting to restore.

Yesterday when he was bad mouthing brother's family, I told him

It's oerfectly okay for us to not socialize with them coz we have different priorities but one of my personal goals is to also restore my r/s with my brother which has been JADED due to SIL. I wanted him to know that coz for him one bad moment = cut off ties untill he regulates which could be days, weeks or years even and I am not willing to loose my r/s with other people in my life.

So I had recently posted about a family friend situation who invited out D5 and didn't show up at the agreed time at the playground and he totally blamed them for a ruined evening and he was even right in doing so. But I invited their D5 to our house for a playdate coz myD5 really wanted to jnvite her friend and that led to some fireworks inside H but no rage exoressed! He just asked, did you invite their D5 or they asked to send her? Which I knew was coming from a place of - how could you invite herjust when they wasted our time day before yesterday! But I want my D5 to learn about forgiveness and how it is so important to build friendships and relationships and restore our balance inlife!

I hope I wasn't too invalidating coz this time I did not justifyand only answered what was asked of me coz I am done justifying.

[waverider]

You can ask how the feel, listen, but not personally take it on board. just asking and listening can be enough to let them get it out before it builds up to a destructive level.

When he starts angrily dumping on people or issues, you dont need to react and defend, or again take it on board. if you dont get involved it doesn't feed into it. Then it is easier for them to come around to a more "reasonable' view later. Once you start to try to convince them of reality what was a fleeting thought becomes entrenched fact in their eyes.

[waitingwife]

Waverider,

This is so very helpful! Thanks for giving me your insight about the situation... .I never understood it like the way it goes on in a BPDpersons mind. Now when I look back and think about how I have really fed into his disillusions, I feel so bad about not letting go off my ground and how doing that destroyed our r/s one bit at a time.

I think his fleeting thought is just passing away and I can tell how my changed reaction/behavious helped us! Finding this board is the best thing that has ever happened to me! 13 years of my life I have been living in an illusion of happiness and feeling this true happiness is magical

[waverider]

The black and white thinking lead to wildly swinging decisiveness with complete lack of consistency. if you grab a hold of one end of that swing it anchors it.

Regular people weigh up pros and cons then come to best compromised decision. This is the "Wisemind". pwBPD think of a pro and make an instant decison. They then think of a con then make an instant  and opposite decision, back and forward it goes. This is the emotion mind with its finger on the trigger. It results in a kind of procrastination except instead of being based on indecision it is based on fluctuating decisiveness constantly cancelling itself out. Their logical mind side is weak compared to their emotional mind. Refer to link below

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

When you step out of engaging in this process it will reveal itself clearly in many areas. It is very frustrating trying to interact with this process

In my relationship this wildly swing decisiveness creates complete dysfunction and an inability for my wife to follow through on anything.

Waverider