Do they ever feel sadness or remorse after they discard and devaluate us?

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Hi guys,

It's been over two months since being dumped and 3 weeks of no NC- not even social media lurking. Yes, it still hurts and it bothers me a lot she can just move on so quickly. Do pwBPD's ever feel sad or remorse for what they done? When I did lurk on her social media it bothered me that she still had pictures of us up on her FB and pictures of her going to Disney Land (it was her dream to go there since she's never been)- she even has these photos as her cover photo/profile photo.

[codes316]

Hi guys,

It's been over two months since being dumped and 3 weeks of no NC- not even social media lurking. Yes, it still hurts and it bothers me a lot she can just move on so quickly. Do pwBPD's ever feel sad or remorse for what they done? When I did lurk on her social media it bothered me that she still had pictures of us up on her FB and pictures of her going to Disney Land (it was her dream to go there since she's never been)- she even has these photos as her cover photo/profile photo.

[Frustratedbloke]

If you find the answer then please let me know. Conventional wisdom says no, they just cut you off and focus their energy on the next conquest. They'll use bad memories of you to lull the new one into a false sense of security, you'll be a monster, or your talents will be a stick to beat them into submission with.

Mine used an ex who was a footballer as an example. One, it told me she was used to dating people with money, then I didn't earn enough, then remember she dumped a footballer anyway, so she isn't in to money. It was used in a variety of ways, I don't know if the bloke dumped her after a week, he may have done.

But whatever the case, they're not pining for you, they're moving on to the next victim. Oh, yeah, there is always a next victim from what I can see. They're constantly looking for the next one, because they're constantly paranoid and in the end know this one will fail.

That's what I reckon anyway, other people might have different answers.

[GreenEyedMonster]

The answer to this is complicated.

Since you are an anxiety trigger, you make them feel awful, and on the surface they will be glad to have you gone.  pwBPD have numerous defense mechanisms, many of them quite primitive, that block out any feelings they may have once had for you.  All of this is to mitigate the pain of losing their attachment to you.  IMO -- the more intense the defense mechanisms, they more attached they were.  The outward behavior you are seeing (painting black, hating, spewing vitriol, smearing, replacing) are all defense mechanisms that cover up the deep wound of rejection/abandonment when they lose you.  Sometimes, if they are the ones doing the leaving, it is to relieve the tension they feel when they sense that rejection is inevitable (and it is always inevitable to a pwBPD, no matter how nice you are ).

[codes316]

Wow, I can imagine how difficult at first it must have been to hear that. My expwBPD never really compared me to anyone, but did talk about her last relationship as that is all she could ever relate to.

[codes316]

The answer to this is complicated.

Since you are an anxiety trigger, you make them feel awful, and on the surface they will be glad to have you gone.  pwBPD have numerous defense mechanisms, many of them quite primitive, that block out any feelings they may have once had for you.  All of this is to mitigate the pain of losing their attachment to you.  IMO -- the more intense the defense mechanisms, they more attached they were.  The outward behavior you are seeing (painting black, hating, spewing vitriol, smearing, replacing) are all defense mechanisms that cover up the deep wound of rejection/abandonment when they lose you.  Sometimes, if they are the ones doing the leaving, it is to relieve the tension they feel when they sense that rejection is inevitable (and it is always inevitable to a pwBPD, no matter how nice you are ).

It's odd how right you are about me. During the break up, I was so frustrated and so shocked that she was leaving after all I done for her(Depression, Anxiety,etc.) that I called her out on a lot of her insecurities and faults; at the time, I didn't know she had BPD I found out weeks after the breakup. I do feel guilty for saying all those nasty things.

Do you have any sources or references that you can point me to about what you said in your post?

[Fr4nz]

Hi guys,

It's been over two months since being dumped and 3 weeks of no NC- not even social media lurking. Yes, it still hurts and it bothers me a lot she can just move on so quickly. Do pwBPD's ever feel sad or remorse for what they done?

In retrospective I suppose... .yes, even though it depends on the individual (perhaps those possessing NPD or ASPD traits do not feel anything... .) and on the intensity/lenght of the relationship they had with you.

For sure my ex did not forget her past exes, at least the most important ones - indeed, not so rarely she remembered fondly some of them, even with a very evident feeling of sadness; for instance it happened that she remembered something an ex said, or some specific gift she received, or a place they visited... .

In any case, the main problem with BPDs is that they behave according to certain dysfunctional dynamics (i.e., to avoid feelings of abandonment/engulfment, push/pull, etc.) and inevitably they end up acting on impulses, thus causing major dramas, fights and traumas to everyone involved.

Indeed, at a later stage many of them regret their behaviours/actions, yet they don't possess enough strenght/courage to introspect and change, thus preventing them to truly apologize with an ex (even because they move on very quickly, hence they put themselves into a situation where it is very difficult to apologize and see the apologies accepted as well)... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

The answer to this is complicated.

Since you are an anxiety trigger, you make them feel awful, and on the surface they will be glad to have you gone.  pwBPD have numerous defense mechanisms, many of them quite primitive, that block out any feelings they may have once had for you.  All of this is to mitigate the pain of losing their attachment to you.  IMO -- the more intense the defense mechanisms, they more attached they were.  The outward behavior you are seeing (painting black, hating, spewing vitriol, smearing, replacing) are all defense mechanisms that cover up the deep wound of rejection/abandonment when they lose you.  Sometimes, if they are the ones doing the leaving, it is to relieve the tension they feel when they sense that rejection is inevitable (and it is always inevitable to a pwBPD, no matter how nice you are ).

It's odd how right you are about me. During the break up, I was so frustrated and so shocked that she was leaving after all I done for her(Depression, Anxiety,etc.) that I called her out on a lot of her insecurities and faults; at the time, I didn't know she had BPD I found out weeks after the breakup. I do feel guilty for saying all those nasty things.

Do you have any sources or references that you can point me to about what you said in your post?

Yes, the use of defense mechanisms among pwBPD is very well-documented, especially for splitting (aka "painting black".

"People with personality disorders often use 'defense mechanisms', or coping strategies, that allow them to deny responsibility for their feelings and actions. One defense is called “splitting” – putting some people on a pedestal while devaluing others. Another defense is called “projective identification” - which involves denying one’s feelings, attributing them to someone else, and then behaving in a way that causes the other person to respond in kind. For example, when the borderline person’s hostility is reciprocated, they can think and/or act as though it were not their own."  (Source:  www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder)

If you do a Google search on defense mechanisms, you will find a great deal more information on this topic, including rankings of defense mechanisms from "primitive" to those used by people who are well-adjusted.

Defining what a pwBPD really feels is a difficult task.  Their internal experience probably doesn't include warm fuzzy feelings toward you after the breakup, but they remain VERY attached.  A pwBPD can't stand to be attached to someone who causes them pain or seems out of their control, so the defense mechanisms kick in to mitigate the feeling of attachment.  In my case, we broke up 7 months ago (after a 4 month relationship) and my ex still checks for me on social media nearly every day.  It's starting to decrease a little, but earlier this week he checked three times in one day, every few hours.  So he is still very attached to me, even in the immediate emotions he feels about me are fear and resentment.  Hope that makes sense!

[C.Stein]

For my case I don't believe she feels any guilt or remorse, at least not persistent.  By all appearances I have fallen off the face of the earth with regard to her.  Like many here I was coldly thrown away like trash, but not before I was replaced.  It was as if she never had any real love for me as a person at all and therefore has nothing to feel guilty/remorseful about.

There may be times when she does feel guilt/remorse but I suspect those times are few and will probably only occur when she is unhappy with her life.  These times however will be fleeting and she will go back to the painted black twisted reality version because that is what she emotionally needs to do.  I've seen her do it with other people (exs) so I have no reason to believe it would be any different with me.

As sad as this sounds I think she will "feel" guilt and remorse about what she did if she needs something from me.  I also saw this during our relationship, where she would appear to feel guilt/remorse about something she had done then do a complete 180 and show/say that she didn't do anything to feel guilty/remorseful about.  So I think in some cases any apparent guilt/remorse will be less than authentic as it will be selfishly motivated.

[Jox]

Very little I would say.

In the case of my ex husband of 14 years, he felt bad and asked for apology afer the Ayahuasca treatment, literally the same night. He would be very specific and even said that he can't imagine how I am managing to be with him.  Since under the plant is not a time for conversation, I would just listen.

Yet the following day he would never elaborate on the topic, and I would be too scared ( of splitting) to ask.

In general my reason for leaving is that he would not recognize the splitting and take steps to prevent them.  On the contrary he would say that he has his reasons which are somehow justified.

So I would say no, and those on this post who,said yes, I think they had a partner with not so strong BPD.