Blaming self again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

You know the more I keep thinking about it the more I realize that even if she does have BPD or some form of it at the worst or just deep emotional issues at the least its mainly my fault she walked out

I texted others early on - former girlfriend and someone else I considered going out with before I fully started going out with my ex.

She wanted me to block a few people from Facebook. I made an issue out of it. Escalated to argument. I finally blocked them but then unblocked them. Again another argument.

Then after she moved in initially I texted former girlfriend she lied about it.

Then three months later she threatened to move out. Almost did. In an argument about it I called her a loser (she has no money and doesn't have custody of her children).

Had I not have done these things and it should have been so simple not to, she may likely still be with me.

I can point to her failed marriages.  Affair we had. Loss of custody of her children. Extreme jealousy and clinginess.  I can point to fact she had bad childhood.  Two failed marriages and another failed long term relationship.   I can point to she feels worthless and insecure.  I can point to her manipulation.   I can point to her rage she had in front of my friends.  I can point to at work she had issue with her manager Ahd talked to hr about him on two occasions (BPD can spill into work).  And I can point to mentioning suicide on a couple of occasions. As well as to self loathing she did via texts and in person.  I can point to the relationship started fast.  And she is great sexually.  And she seemed to idealize me and then how she left sort of abruptly when I thought things were better. And I can point to she seems to have painted me black. Lastly I can point to her lifestyle now.  And to the fact her sister is also messed up.

I can point to all these things. Yet I still take much of the Blame for my bad behavior.  And I have to wonder would it have eventually happened anyhow.  Was it inevitable. Or is it all my fault?  Because right now I feel it is.

[Scopikaz]

You know the more I keep thinking about it the more I realize that even if she does have BPD or some form of it at the worst or just deep emotional issues at the least its mainly my fault she walked out

I texted others early on - former girlfriend and someone else I considered going out with before I fully started going out with my ex.

She wanted me to block a few people from Facebook. I made an issue out of it. Escalated to argument. I finally blocked them but then unblocked them. Again another argument.

Then after she moved in initially I texted former girlfriend she lied about it.

Then three months later she threatened to move out. Almost did. In an argument about it I called her a loser (she has no money and doesn't have custody of her children).

Had I not have done these things and it should have been so simple not to, she may likely still be with me.

I can point to her failed marriages.  Affair we had. Loss of custody of her children. Extreme jealousy and clinginess.  I can point to fact she had bad childhood.  Two failed marriages and another failed long term relationship.   I can point to she feels worthless and insecure.  I can point to her manipulation.   I can point to her rage she had in front of my friends.  I can point to at work she had issue with her manager Ahd talked to hr about him on two occasions (BPD can spill into work).  And I can point to mentioning suicide on a couple of occasions. As well as to self loathing she did via texts and in person.  I can point to the relationship started fast.  And she is great sexually.  And she seemed to idealize me and then how she left sort of abruptly when I thought things were better. And I can point to she seems to have painted me black. Lastly I can point to her lifestyle now.  And to the fact her sister is also messed up.

I can point to all these things. Yet I still take much of the Blame for my bad behavior.  And I have to wonder would it have eventually happened anyhow.  Was it inevitable. Or is it all my fault?  Because right now I feel it is.

[steelwork]

Had I not have done these things and it should have been so simple not to, she may likely still be with me.

And, ask yourself: would you be better off in the long run? Would your r/s be a good one?

I think it's so important to acknowledge your role in the problems and the breakup. You just have to, or this will all be a wasted experience. But that doesn't mean the relationship would have worked out if you'd just done x or y or z.

And I have to wonder would it have eventually happened anyhow.  Was it inevitable. Or is it all my fault?  Because right now I feel it is.

Maybe this outcome was inevitable, maybe not. Think instead about that alternative scenario you can imagine where you did all the "right" things and you were still together. Maybe it would blow up in a different way. Or maybe it would have limped along for years and years, slowly sucking you dry.

[Scopikaz]

I agree fully. If she really is BPD or some form of it. It's clear though that she wasn't committed enough or in love enough to make it work. And it's clear now from the life she's living that her priorities and or values are out of whack.

Going to bars over saving money for her sons birthday last month for example.  And the people she's friends with from the bars.   And of the two guys I think she's been with or wants to be with, both are four or five years younger. Both also frequent the bar scene. One had a bankruptcy a few years ago. The other arrested for assault a few years ago.  She's definitely not making right choices now. And I know I need to stop playing investigator And obsessing over it

I go back to therapist soon though which is good

[steelwork]

Definitely sounds like your values aren't aligned. Keep that close to mind in your dark moments. Good luck with the therapist! Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.

[WoundedBibi]

So you weren't committed from day one. Not a great start for a relationship, that I agree on.

And you probably did trigger abandonment issues by testing others and staying in touch on Facebook. BUT just imagine you hadn't done that. She still would have issues with rage, with feeling worthless, with authority, with diving in too soon because she (as we do too) confuses intense with intimate. Those are her issues and have nothing to do with you. Someone else would have made those surface too. Other behaviour from you would have made it surface too. ANY relationship would have triggered her.

The BPD is not your fault. It not appearing to be there at first and then popping up later is not your fault. Yes, you are responsible for your own behaviour. But IMHO a break-up is inevitable with a pwBPD. It is not a matter of if but when.

Looking at your behaviour, as that is what you are responsible for, if the relationship started off really fast and intense and she idealized you and you were swept off your feet, why did you contact others (through text, Facebook, whatever)?

Did your intuition say not to get too involved? And if so, do you know why you did later on anyway?

Where you afraid?

Where you not that into her? Did you fall for her idealizing you and not for her?

[FannyB]

Blame yourself for staying too long by all means - but not for the ultimate crash and burn of your relationship. There is an inevitability to BPD relationships which your actions can prolong or shorten - but ultimately her issues will bring about a termination irrespective of what you did.


Fanny

[Scopikaz]

I think it was a matter of habit. Bad habit. I don't have any addictions in terms of smoking. Drinking. Drugs. Sex. Etc. but if there is a phon-a-Holic that's me.  I had been in a habit of texting my female friends or ex girlfriends for so long while I was single I just never stopped when I should have.

That and friends because she had lost her children kept warning me about her. So I think I had that in the back of my mind.

And lastly she was so beautiful and it seemed too good to be true, so I felt she may have been using me.

Did I love her, yes.  Did I have my own issues - yes.  Unfortunately.  Fears. Insecurities. Whatever.

But in the end it's about commitment. I made mistakes. She did too. And I could love her inspite of her issues.  Bpd or not she couldn't do the same.

[JerryRG]

I have a tough time with blaming myself too, I know all the things I did wrong. I too was unable to commit totally because of trust issues, she lied about everything and anything. Again I thought she would see her errors and decide to change like I did. The lies never stopped. She didn't want to or couldn't see her lying as a problem. Not my fault, I am doing everything in my power to improve my own life and she can sit in her misery. I am not on the planet to be abused, disrespected and suffer. We have a conscience so of course we see and understand our faults, and for me blaming myself was a form of controlling the situation. When they wont assume responsibility then we in desperation take the blame. I went about 3 million miles down this road to overlook her faults and dig deeper into my own behaviors to compromise. The strange thing and the irony is that in blaming myself I forced myself to look at the big picture and take the steps I needed to improve myself thinking this would save our relationship, in actuality I was saving myself and guess who benefits from this? You guessed it, me and my future.

Don't beat yourself up, they would do anything to make our lives impossible and we didn't cause their BPD, I hope I helped, I too am struggling day to day but thanks to all of you and other support system I'm healing.

[patientandclear]

I think it was a matter of habit. Bad habit. I don't have any addictions in terms of smoking. Drinking. Drugs. Sex. Etc. but if there is a phon-a-Holic that's me.  I had been in a habit of texting my female friends or ex girlfriends for so long while I was single I just never stopped when I should have.

That and friends because she had lost her children kept warning me about her. So I think I had that in the back of my mind.

And lastly she was so beautiful and it seemed too good to be true, so I felt she may have been using me.

Did I love her, yes.  Did I have my own issues - yes.  Unfortunately.  Fears. Insecurities. Whatever.

But in the end it's about commitment. I made mistakes. She did too. And I could love her inspite of her issues.  Bpd or not she couldn't do the same.

For what it's worth ... .I committed totally.  I was 100% loyal and all-in.  We still crashed and burned.  He was probably scared and engulfed, but that isn't how he framed his freak-out; he framed it in terms that I could not accept (a critique of my parenting that was so fundamental, he said, it would "kill us" eventually, so might as well get that over with now).

In my case, he was expecting things to go badly and so made sure they did.  Eventually it was a self fulfilling prophecy and things happened I could not stick around for.

If this woman has BPD (and it seems likely she has relationship and commitment challenges based on her past), it may be true that in this case your behavior gave her a hook to hang her fears on.  But those fears were there, hook or no.  Eventually everyone makes a mis-step.  That's when relationships are tested; some grow, some can't.  If it wasn't these missteps, you would eventually have made one that bothered her, even inadvertently, even something that others would find innocuous.  Then the mistrust and sabotaging self-protective steps would kick in.  I think mostly, all paths lead to the same place.

[Thegardiner]

JerryRG are you able to pvtmessage me? I'm not sure on the rules? What you have written on this post has nailed it for me and I would love to chat/share if that is allowed? I am one week on the final separation and it is a challenge to say the least. I did a newbie intro posting FYI