Trying to figure this all out

[hurtinchicago]

This past Thanksgiving evening, as I was lamenting over my canned spaghetti dinner, this woman messaged me out of a Facebook group. She was extremely pleasant. We struck up a stimulating conversation and before long, we had moved same over to the phone. Our conversation went on for hours. We continued like this over the following days. Three days in, she asked when I was going to marry her. I thought that she was joking, but she wasn't. One day, we disagreed on the name of an actor. She got quite agitated over this, almost to the point of breaking off relations. I showed proof of who the actor was, but it was like she would not believe it. The anger seemed out of proportion, and this was just the beginning.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello HurtinginChicago,



Wow, those are some big 

Are you still in a relationship with her? 

lbj

[hurtinchicago]

Hello HurtinginChicago,

Wow, those are some big 

Are you still in a relationship with her? 

lbj

Yes, I am still hanging in there for the time being, and it has gotten worse. I have experienced her going off on me with no provocation. We have broken up several times, but she comes back several days later.

[lbjnltx]

Sorry to hear it has gotten even worse.

The members of the "saving a relationship that is in or near breakup" board will be able to help you navigate these troubled waters.

I will move your thread over there so they can help you.

Hang in there, others who understand will reply shortly.

lbj

[once removed]

hey hurtinchicago 

i want to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to the family, and im glad youve reached out to us.

The anger seemed out of proportion, and this was just the beginning.

i think many of us are familiar with our partners disproportionate anger, i know it always frustrated me. it seemed so unnecessary. it sounds like an awful lot happened in the beginning, would you like to tell us some of the rest? whats gotten worse?

and do hang in there, we are here to help

[hurtinchicago]

Complicating matters, this is a long distance relationship, with over 700 miles separating us. After the first incident, things seemed to go well for a time. We would spend hours on the phone or messenging. She can be the most wonderfully sweet woman. We finally got to meet, face to face. I drove to her, and we traveled together back to where I live. She has suffered with seizures since childhood, and is not well traveled, so this was a new adventure for her. We had a great time coming back. She had never gotten the chance to stop and see things of interest to her before, and felt that to be special. Chicago is the largest city she has ever seen, and she was mesmerized by the sights. We stopped at several places where she could take pictures.

We arrived at my place and she was immediately comfortable. We unpacked and got settled. Our intimacy was phenomenal, from the start. She stated that she had survived several violent and abusive relationships, so I was happy to discover her openness, sexually. We got along extraordinarily well. I took her to restaurants in the area, and we made meals, together, at home. She enjoyed this, experiencing new foods and having someone who cared. On one warm day, we decide to take my Harley-Davidson motorcycle for a spin. She had never been on a bike before, and took to it like a natural. We visited a local Harley dealer and I treated her to a cool shirt. She in turn bought me a guardian bell for my bike. I had such fun bringing joy to her. She loved exploring all the motorcycles in the store. It was like setting a child loose in a toy store! She so treasures that day on the bike.

One week into her stay, she got news that her mom had passed away back home. Although she is in her forties, she was living at home, with her mom, brother, and two of her three grown children. The news hit her hard of course, and I cradled her in my arms as she wept. I felt so bad for her. Little did I know then, the downward impact this was going to have on our relationship.

[hurtinchicago]

After the death of her mom, she changed dramatically. One evening, while sitting in my car, she took a call from her sister. Right after the call, she turned to me, told me that I was holding her against her will, jumped out of the car, and began walking to who knows where. She had no familiarity with the area. I texted her to come back to the location we had come to. She could sit and have coffee while I attended to some business. When I finished, I came out into the front lobby to find the chair she had been sitting on overturned, and she on the floor, in a seizure. Someone called paramedics as I got her head protected and got her on her side.

At the hospital, I notified some of her relatives, then got her med list, for the doctor. As she came out of what I would later learn to be a pseudoseizure, I was by her side, holding her hand. We were in the ER for hours. They wanted to keep her, but she did not want to stay, so she signed herself out. Little did I know what the rest of the night held in store!

We got back to my place. Shortly thereafter, a call came to her cell from her sister. She decided not to answer it, mentioning that she and sis didn't play well together. Right after that, my phone rings, with a long distance call. It is her sister, and after introducing herself, proceeds to ask, in an intimidating tone, if I have her sister chained to a wall in my basement! After a not so pleasant reply, I hang up on her. Again, she calls my girlfriend. They talk for a few minutes, somewhat uncomfortably. After the call ends, she informs me that I am abusing her, and that she will be leaving, in police custody. I must have looked like a deer in the headlights! I was dumbfounded and nearly speechless. Again her sister calls, to inform her police have been called. The police call her cell and she explains to them that she is fine and in no danger. They explain that they need to make a wellness check anyway. Soon, a knock on the door. She explains to the deputies that she is fine. I am in shock. I've never had a domestic incident in my life. As we are talking, she has another seizure. As she begins to fall, I dive to the ground to prevent her from hitting her head on the floor. Again, get her head protected and get her to her aide. By now, the cops know that she is in no danger from me. They radio EMTs and another trip to the hospital. This time, she decides to take their advice.

[hurtinchicago]

Since returning home, we have had several major arguments.  Each time, she would unfriend and block me on Facebook, and send a text to never contact her again. Two or three days go by and the inevitable phone call from her, in a sheepish voice.

Lately, I've noticed a major change. Where we used to spend hours and hours talking on the phone, we talk far less frequently and for far less duration. She will suddenly act very sleepy and says she just has to get to sleep. We will end our call, and I will notice that her FB Messenger is active. She will be up all night, like she used to be with me. I am concerned that she may have another relationship started. I asked her if she was involved with someone else and she denied it.

As we are not presently friends on Facebook, I cannot see her full profile and posts. I am quite concerned.

HELP!

[once removed]

hey hurtinchicago, and sorry i didnt reply sooner.

it sounds like her mothers death had a tremendous impact on her. people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, and obviously the death of a parent would trigger this sense in anyone. its hard to invest in a relationship when we are grieving. do i have it right that she was faking seizures or at least one? it may be that she was desperately crying for help even if she was unwilling to accept it. it had to be really upsetting for you to witness and it sounds like you were really there for her.

her sister sounds like trouble. where do you think she got the impression that your partner was being held against her will?

Since returning home, we have had several major arguments.  Each time, she would unfriend and block me on Facebook, and send a text to never contact her again. Two or three days go by and the inevitable phone call from her, in a sheepish voice.

Lately, I've noticed a major change. Where we used to spend hours and hours talking on the phone, we talk far less frequently and for far less duration. She will suddenly act very sleepy and says she just has to get to sleep. We will end our call, and I will notice that her FB Messenger is active. She will be up all night, like she used to be with me. I am concerned that she may have another relationship started. I asked her if she was involved with someone else and she denied it.

As we are not presently friends on Facebook, I cannot see her full profile and posts. I am quite concerned.

HELP!

who is initiating most of your conversations?

[C.Stein]

it sounds like her mothers death had a tremendous impact on her.

I agree.  From my own experiences and what I have read with others who have shared their story on this forum is traumatic events will almost always result in exacerbation of BPD behavior.  The loss of a parent in combination with her sisters own dysfunction seems to have sent your GF into a downward tailspin.   It is also possible she is triggered by you now given the police incident.  Yea, I know that makes no sense at all but you may not be fully aware of the impact her sister is having on her.

Since returning home, we have had several major arguments.

If you don't mind me asking, what were you arguing about?

[hurtinchicago]

What were the arguments about? Mostly, little things. A reference to one of my longtime female Facebook friends, her profile pic not showing up in the box on my profile page (Facebook sets this, not I), the fact that I have over 400 Facebook friends (many female). Then there was the major issue of our separation (distance) and when we would once again be physically united. Some, I can't even remember.

What caused the initial claim of her being held against her will? We had originally agreed that she would cover passage in one direction, and I the other. We are both on fixed incomes. I had brought her to Chicago. When word came, I discovered that she did not have sufficient funds to get herself back home to Pennsylvania. I was trying through contacts, to help get her home. The claim came directly after a phone conversation with her BPD sister, with whom she has a shaky relationship at best.

Since my last post, my girlfriend mentioned that her sister has also received a BPD diagnosis (different psychiatrists in different cities). We have had another cycle, and this one ended with her having police contact me warning to stay away from her completely. That was about four days ago. Last night, a friend talked to her at some length. She told the friend that she still loves me very much. She invited my contact. I am hesitant for two reasons. One, I have read that it is best if BPD mates are put in the position of chase as opposed to being chased, and second, if things do go badly, if she initiates contact, she cannot send the cops after me,whereas if I initiate, she potentially could.

[C.Stein]

Since my last post, my girlfriend mentioned that her sister has also received a BPD diagnosis (different psychiatrists in different cities). We have had another cycle, and this one ended with her having police contact me warning to stay away from her completely. That was about four days ago. Last night, a friend talked to her at some length. She told the friend that she still loves me very much. She invited my contact. I am hesitant for two reasons. One, I have read that it is best if BPD mates are put in the position of chase as opposed to being chased, and second, if things do go badly, if she initiates contact, she cannot send the cops after me,whereas if I initiate, she potentially could.

Under the circumstances I feel it is best you maintain a healthy distance for now.  You are walking into dangerous territory now and the last thing you need is to be arrested for something you didn't even do.  This whole situation gives me a very uneasy feeling as it should you.  I feel you really need to look out for yourself at this point ... .would you agree?

[hurtinchicago]

A friend of ours (mainly my friend) had tried to reach out to her, to let her know that I still cared. She had said she cared as well. She told him to have me call. I explained to my friend that, for legal reasons, and because of things I had read here, that I could not initiate contact. He called her, asking her to call me first. I received a call from her telling me it is over and to donate the things she had left here to Goodwill or something. I guess that's it.

[hurtinchicago]

I did give some thought of once again driving all the way to York to try and patch things up, but I don't seriously believe that they can be patched up. After reading some of the lessons here on the site, I am beginning to understand that she never felt genuine love, and may not even know what real love is. If that's the case, it is truly sad.

[C.Stein]

Sometimes the best course of action is no action at all.  Personally I feel going to see her in an attempt to patch things up is a huge risk on your part given what has transpired.  This is something you really need to give long and hard thought on before taking action.  Try to set your emotions aside and look at the situation from a logical/rational mind before committing to any particular course of action that could put you at risk.  Take care of yourself right now.

[hurtinchicago]

Sometimes the best course of action is no action at all.  Personally I feel going to see her in an attempt to patch things up is a huge risk on your part given what has transpired.  This is something you really need to give long and hard thought on before taking action.  Try to set your emotions aside and look at the situation from a logical/rational mind before committing to any particular course of action that could put you at risk.  Take care of yourself right now.

Thank you C.Stein, that is exactly what I am going to do, take care of myself. I don't really believe at this point that there is anything left to salvage. I want to believe so. In the end, I have to face the fact that there was never anything at all, not in the true sense of love. It was all a facade, a well played out game, and I was the game piece. I willingly played along, hoping and thinking that I had found Nirvana. It felt so right, so I wanted to believe that it was exactly that.

[altact]

Hurtinchicago,

That makes two of us  :'(

I've been an absolute mess for the past couple of weeks... .bleeding emotionally, trying to figure out if there was any truth to my gf's accusations (that I am violent and represent a threat to her) and just as desparately trying to salvage the relationship. Noone recommends having anything further to do with her, cautioning that things will only worsen over time, but like you I am caught in the web.