Recent break up with BPD girlfriend

[mmsnow03]

Hi Everybody,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months (about two weeks ago) who I'm pretty sure has BPD.  She originally told me that her ongoing diagnoses are OCD and anxiety disorder, but as our relationship progressed, more slipped out and she mentioned how she has been on tons of meds in the past for bi-polar, depression, etc.  And in one of these instances she mentioned how an ER doctor diagnosed her with BPD, but she didn't think she had it because she saw him for 10 minutes.  Since it sparked my curiosity, I researched BPD and realized that my girlfriend fit 8 out of the 9 criteria.  At that point we had had several fights that were very odd to me and very "childlike."   Our relationship started off amazing, really passionate and fast and she made me feel like I was her savior and the only person who ever understood her.  As our relationship progressed I noticed behaviors that I would consider odd, and that I felt like she was doing things to intentionally start a fight with me.     After about 2 months of constantly fighting and me feeling worn down emotionally I had to break up with her.  I still have feelings for her, but all of my friends and family were concerned about me and were actually relieved when I did it.   I have lots of stories of the fights that we got in to, and most of the people that I have told have praised me for being so patient with her, but don't understand why I stuck around so long  ( I have plenty of stories of things that happened between us).  I guess I just wanted to post on here so I could vent to other people who have been in similar situations and also to find out how to move on and stop feeling so terrible about all of it.  Thanks everyone!

[C.Stein]

Hello,  

It is tough watching the person you fell in love with "change" into something which is essentially unrecognizable.  It leaves you profoundly confused and devastated losing what you might have considered the love of your life.  The intense connection and passion are fairly typical beginnings of relationships with borderlines.  It is the honeymoon period on steroids and many become addicted to the highs of idealization.

My ex acted very childlike on many occasions, so much so that I actually asked her a couple of times why she was acting like that.  This type of behavior (result of emotional immaturity) is a hallmark of borderline personalities.

I understand the pain you are quite likely feeling right now.  Be reassured that you recognized the unhealthy nature of the relationship and had the strength to get out before the FOG got too thick.  Avail yourself to the resources on this site to help you with detaching and with understanding what happened.  Ask any questions you might have as we here on the detaching board are all in the same boat just at different stages.

[mmsnow03]

Thank you so much for responding!  I find myself going through periods where I feel extreme relief, but then anxiety over the relationship.  I'm seeing a counselor to talk about my problems and he told me I was in an "emotionally abusive relationship" and that it will take some time to recover.  It just amazes me how different she was from when I met her, to the month that I broke up with her.  When I met her, it was like she was the perfect woman for me, smart, beautiful, educated, happy, funny, popular.etc.  But then as the months went on I found out she was actually just pretending to be all of those things in order to keep me around.  She was actually a very depressed individual, and thought the world was judging her.  There were a lot of red flags that I let go by ( Such as her living with 4 of her previous boyfriends, her being engaged once, and her dating her ex of 3 years literally 3 weeks before we started stating) but for some reason I let all of that go and I'm not sure why.  I guess I just felt that everyone has a past, and this amazing woman could have changed.  But I guess I learned that the past is the best predictor of the future.

[Mr Shifu]

I also just got out of a 3 year marriage and it's been tough, she basically abused me the whole time and I stayed because I wanted to help her. Now she blames me for everything and has taken my house and family away from me and got a court order against me. It sucks but I know I am better off. I also have many many stories af how she put me down and treated me like dirt despite being the only person in her life who stood by her completely. I'm sure it's her loss but thr anxiety is still horrible

[C.Stein]

Thank you so much for responding!  I find myself going through periods where I feel extreme relief, but then anxiety over the relationship. 

I was quite numb after my ex threw me away via text and remained that way for about 6 weeks.

I guess I just felt that everyone has a past, and this amazing woman could have changed.  But I guess I learned that the past is the best predictor of the future.

Try not to let this experience take away good qualities within yourself.  People can change and it is unfair to judge them for their past.  That said the past also shouldn't be ignored.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mmsnow, It sounds like you dodged a bullet.  Be grateful that it was 6 months, not 6 years, or not 13 years, in my case.  I find it amazing that you learned about BPD at an early stage.  Many of us (read: me) were just swinging in the dark for long periods with no awareness that anything like BPD even existed.  Who knew?  I sure didn't.

LuckyJim

[mmsnow03]

Thank you all for replying and helping me, I really appreciate it.   I'm sorry to hear that you were numb after your ex broke up with you, I get how you feel and it is not a good feeling.   You're right though, I tried to not let her past influence our relationship, but I noticed certain patterns so I was always hypervigilant and cautious and it turns out my instincts were correct.

And Lucky Jim, I agree that I dodged a bullet, I'm sorry to hear that you found out after so long about BPD.   Were you just in the relationship and confused by her behavior, or did you just think that this is how relationships are?   All I know, is that when I was with my ex, the highs were extremely high and the lows were extremely low, but it got to a point where the behavior was just too much for me to handle.

[C.Stein]

I was always hypervigilant and cautious and it turns out my instincts were correct.

I was hyper-vigilant, cautious as well as constantly anxious, not so much because of her past but because of things she said and did that put me in that state of mind and in some ways suggested she was at risk of repeating her past mistakes, despite claiming otherwise.  I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt every time though and to believe in her and her ability to be more than the sum of her past mistakes.  I should have listened to that little voice inside (gut instinct) that was telling me she could never be the person she so badly wanted to be.

[Lucky Jim]

Were you just in the relationship and confused by her behavior, or did you just think that this is how relationships are?

Both, I would say.  I was unable to fathom her behavior, yet had swallowed a lot of platitudes about how marriage is hard work and everyone has problems in their marriage, etc.  So, yeah, I thought that was just how marriages are.  Plus, I'm a loyal guy and took my marriage vows seriously.

LuckyJim