what splitting does

[bigsadsis]

I posted a while ago about my brother, who I suspect has BPD, whose narcissistic wife might have it too (although they are so gifted at uniting over their rage and disgust at others that they may be one of those amazingly long loving marriages).  My brother wanted to disinter our mother, dead for almost 18 years, because the cemetery was more crowded, and he didn't like at all the "neighborhood" in which she lay. 

Our dad is across the cemetery.  He died 23 years before Mom, and although their marriage ended sadly, she buried him there.  It is powerful to visit them in the same cemetery.

Things have deteriorated - it's been months since we've spoken to our brother, who is so angry that we haven't agreed to disinterring Mom that he refuses contact - but now the splitting has started.  I sent expensive gifts to his daughters (my nieces) on the occasion of the youngest one's birthday.  I received a text that there was a problem with delivery, which I fixed, and notification that parts of the gift had arrived.  My sister, who also sent a message and may have called, got a thank you from our niece. My presents have all arrived, but with no thank you.

My oldest son, my brother's nephew, is about to graduate from college.  The dutiful part of me says - invite him and his toxic wife, that's what Mom would say. The therapied part of me says forget it, especially if my brother is not encouraging my nieces (who I adore) to at least acknowledge the gifts I sent.)

My younger son has a birthday in 2 weeks and we'll go again through this dance of presents/thank yous.

I just want to be free of this bull___.  I have no desire to rekindle a relationship with my BPD brother, but had hoped these gifts would leave a door open, eventually with my nieces. 

It gets in my head and I have to work so hard to enjoy what is otherwise a lovely life. 

[HappyChappy]

Splitting must be very frustrating for you, but I guess you know it’s designed to be. It is unfair to involved children when manipulating like this, but a BPD will. Taking on board we can’t change the behaviour of a BPD only they can change that, does suggest you either take the lot or not.

Do you think you could weather your brother’s behaviour to keep contact with the kids ? There are loads of techniques on this website to help with that. In terms of leaving the door open, you could argue that someone with BPD needs attention more than we do, so their door is kind of always open to those willing to give them the narcisstic supply they’re addicted to. But it does also mean we have to except they will insist on controlling certain things and will split anyone that comes in their way. At least you’ve got choices. Why not do what’s best for you and your family ? What would that be ?  

[Turkish]

What does your oldest son say? Are your kids aware of this, and if so, to what level? Do the cousins and your kids keep in contact?