Mind games

[Giggy]

I'm sorry to be posting again things are deteriorating very fast he is impossible to deal with.  I am really not able to do anything right.  If I don't say anything for fear of saying something wrong and if I don't say anything then he's yelling at me that I'm not supportive. 

I if Say something it's the wrong thing to say or the wrong time, I should have said it earlier.  He is making me crazy.  He calls & texts me and verbally abuses me.  He says he doesn't trust the mental health people at the clinic & doesn't want to go and will find a way to blame me for him not going.

I am reading all that I can about BPD but right now I am just desperate for some relief.  As I was telling a friend knowing the difference I would rather he have cancer than this.  At least with cancer people understand you get support, people will have fundraisers.  But with this we suffer in silence.  We are in our own private hell.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

I understand totally what you are feeling Giggy.  I have been in the same situation.  You are riding your BPDs roller coaster and want to get off.  LBJ will have some wise words for you I'm sure but, if it was me, using what I've learnt on here, I would take a little time out. You sound as if you need it.  I learnt to set some boundaries for myself too which gave me space to regroup.

I read the book (you may have already read it) "You can't make everything all better" which I found very helpful too.

I know exactly what you mean about the cancer comparison too.  I had breast cancer recently and my BPDD always says to me that she would much rather she had that.  I can actually validate that sentiment despite the fact that I went through a really tough treatment regimen which depleted me terribly.  At least I got sympathy (not much from my BPD though funnily enough) and support and understanding, which is sadly lacking towards people with BPD even from the mental health profession.     

[lbjnltx]

Oh Giggy, I think most all of us have been where you are.     I know I have.

Rockieplace is right, you need to create a safe space for yourself to regroup.  The question is how to do so without making things worse and without feeling guilty.

The answer is with our boundaries.  We create boundaries to reflect our core values... .it's like a fence of protection around us that lets other people know what we will accept or not and how to treat us.  Have you ever heard the phrase "we teach people how to treat us"?  With our set boundaries comes the responsibility of defending them. 

Sadly, if we have never set boundaries with our kids who suffer with BPD, their reactions to them may escalate.  This is why we must:

Carefully and thoughtfully consider what our core values are

Formulate our boundaries based on those values

Be totally committed to protecting our boundaries

Gently, firmly, and in advance set our boundaries with others

In this situation (and like most all of us) a boundary regarding verbal abuse is needed. 

In regards to the repetitive nature of your son texting and calling ... .this is a limits issue.  You can set limits regarding how many times in a day you will respond to his texts or phone calls.  The tone of the texts/calls is irrelevant to the limit of what is acceptable to you.  Do you mind if he texts you 25 times in a row if they are benign or pleasant messages?  Or is it the frequency that is the problem? 

If the content of the messages is troubling then that would fall into the boundaries issue.

Here is some info to get you started working on determining your boundaries and limits:  Communicate Boundaries & Limits, there is a link to follow at the bottom of the page that will take you to more in-depth information.

lbj

[Giggy]

Thank you so much for responding.  I saw my psychologist yesterday and we discussed boundaries.  I have to be strong... .

[lbjnltx]

That is good news!

And yes, you do have to be strong.

It is scary at first because we don't know what will happen when our kids bump up against our boundaries.  That is why it is so important to be completely committed to enforcing them consistently.  Standing firm in the midst of the storm will anchor us so that we are not blown about feeling lost and confused.

It may take some time to be ready to set those boundaries so work with us here if you need to, we are here to support you.