It all seems monstrously unfair

[Miss M]

So I have a dear friend with BPD.  We met when we were both troubled teenager.  I have major depressive disorder and have been struggling with it since I was 11.  As a teenager I was a mess,I had lots of BPD tendencies, most notably self harm. As an adult, those tendencies went away; my depression is under control and I lead a normal life.  My friend does not.  She's two years older than me. I'm a senior in college, she graduated last June.  After graduating and coming home to New York she said she was going to take her GRE's and get an internship in her field of choice, psychology.  Instead, she floundered. She lives with her college boyfriend, who attends law school. They were fighting a lot and she was really depressed. She spent most of her time visiting her sister ( a drug dealer) and her old friends from the city who are an unsavory lot to say the least.  My friend "Sherry" had a rough childhood and her mother kicked her and her twin sister out when they were sixteen. They were in foster care and my mother as been helping them out in bits and pieces for years. When Sherry came back to the city my mom saw her struggling and wanted to give her more structure and so, with my blessing, hired Sherry two days a week to be her assistant.  My mom is a civil engineer and works from home.  I go to the school in the city and commute to school and live at home. So now as our relationship had gone south Sherry is still in my home.  Originally she was only supposed to be here two days a week, both of which I had school.  Now she leaves early on Tuesdays to he her psychologist (she claims that's the only day she can go) and comes in on Wednesday, my day off. So I often find myself hiding in my own house to get away from her.

Here are some of the reasons I'm mad at her:

On her lunch she comes into my room and seeps in my bed. 

When she comes into my room, she rearranges my things.

She often eats her lunch on my bed ( though she did stop that when I asked)

She once left an apple core in the little waste paper bin in my room which if I hadn't noticed would have drawn bugs.

She can be rather racist, and I'm Latina. for example: A. She is a red head, she is obsessed with her red hair and talks about it nonstop and posts about it on line.  She posts things saying "if you dye your hair don't you DARE call yourself a red head, I wouldn't dare call myself a brunette". (news flash, brunettes don't care) lauding a quality that is unattainable to those of us who aren't white. B. She says black men make her uncomfortable because a black man once mugged her before we met (we've known each other for six years, we live in New York City, during the time we've known each other I've been raped by a black man and I got the heck over it). C. She posts things implying Latina's don't read and are fake book fans.  I try to see the best in people and I generally don't notice people being racist of sexist as often as I should so if I'm seeing it, it's really obvious.  I get the feeling that she sees me as a "cool" brown person.

She once punched a guy for saying that she wasn't native american (she's actually had genetic testing done since and she is less than 1% native american)

She has a terrible temper and will flip out at me for anything she sees as a slight.

Like most people with BPD she hates being alone and has panic attacks when she is alone for too long. but she is convinced that she is an introvert and often puts down people with out going personalities a being shallow or stupid. If you even hint that she might not be an introvert, she becomes extremely rude and angry.

She smokes pot in my room and I don't smoke.

Still, I knew that she had a rough childhood and she often talked to be about her self esteem problems and how people abandon her, so I tried to over look her flaws. I told myself that I would love her unconditionally, because no one else did.

It went well until a few months ago when, after weeks of erratic behavior (even for her) and missing work She went home, a total mess claiming she needed a new prescription and that she couldn't get one from her psychiatrist because she was a new patient.  I determined that he next day, my day off I would take her to the emergency room at Bellevue to get her a prescription.  That night I kept calling her trying to get in touch and make sure she was okay. Eventually I texted her boyfriend to make sure she had gotten home okay.  He texted me back and said she was fine.  She was at home, she had a new prescription, she just hadn't felt like answering my increasingly frantic texts.  When she finally did write back to me she refused to explain or give me any details as to what had happened.

I was angry, but I had it by keeping my distance and leaving the house early to make sure that we wouldn't overlap.  I didn't show my anger, as I had always hidden when I was hurt by something she had said or done because I was afraid that she couldn't handle her closest friend being angry at her and might hurt herself.  I stayed angry for about a week, then calmed down.

While I was angry I noticed more of her laws that I had just ignored before.

Around the same time I started working on a political campaign, volunteering two days a week.  It was a big step forward for me and dealing with my own mental illness, which leaves me exhausted after prolonged interactions with other people.  Instead of supporting me, she questioned my judgment and started posting rude memes about my candidate on face book. I asked her to stop, because I care about what she thinks and it was really disheartening.  She brushed me off and continued. I finally talked to her about it and told her that she was upsetting me.  It seemed to be a simple enough thing and not something that wold hurt her feeling or trigger a problem.  She with a narcissistic tantrum and such deliberate pointed cruelty that I was shocked. Still I hid my feelings about it and apologized for upsetting her. I'm generally a very patient and forgiving person and she often treats me like she considers me a saint with infinite good will.  But I finally ran out.  But she thinks she didn't nothing wrong and has no idea that I'm upset because again, I'm worried that she'll hurt herself.

Incidentally she's been a pretty terrible employee for my mom and so she's getting replaced in June by a engineering intern.  I know it's all going to be over soon but it just all seems monstrously unfair that on my day off I'm hiding in my room instead of doing things in he house that I want and need to do an spending time my with family.  These are of course only some of awful things she's done (I could write an essay on her horrible and inconsiderate treatment of my boyfriend, who has aspergers and perhaps I will).  I'm just out of empathy, which I never thought would happen.  I want her gone from my life, gone from my home and while I know that I only have one more month, it's still really hard, especially while I'm stressed with the last month of my college career, a hard campaign, an application to Swedish immigration and an upcoming operation.

[Kwamina]

Hi Miss M

Welcome to bpdfamily

Dealing with A BPD friend can be very challenging indeed. You have a lot on your plate and I can understand why your friend's behavior would bother you so much. Has she been officially diagnosed with BPD?

There are several resources on this site that I think you might find helpful. I have selected two specialized communication techniques for you:

S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

Are you familiar with these techniques? They can help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person.

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

After wandering in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our family-member/child/friend/partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

The current situation is clearly not working for you and I believe these communication techniques can help you express and assert yourself. You cannot change or control your friend, but what you can do is change your own behavior and responses.

Take care