How to tell yourself it can never be "That way again" if they ever did come back

[Indifferent28]

Is this the final straw that anyone else here  struggles to let go of?

A lot of people here seem to not want the relationship back, as they were cold and mean during the relationship.
My ex became cold and mean AFTER they break up, as she totally detached, almost instantly. But during the relationship, she was just super emotional and crying which took an emotional toll on me.

But looking back, i feel it's something i could've tolerated more than the emptiness now.

This is the only thing that prevents me from not losing a 1% hope she would come back.
Does anyone feel like things could be that way again, though you know they can't with all the hurt, them dating other people, etc. since the break up?

[pjstock42]

I think about this a lot, especially since I never had a devaluation phase and was being love-bombed up until hours before the sudden & unexpected discard after which I never saw her again. My mind loves to spin in circles thinking about how good things were and it's constantly telling me that things would be so much better now if I could have those good times back. Here's the thing, we're not missing the person - we're missing the false image of themselves that they created to grow close to us and that false image is dead now. In my case, she lied to me continuously near the end and I believed every word of it without ever having a second thought so I know for a fact that those good times could never come back because I can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth. My ex detached almost instantly as well and yes, it hurt - a lot. Just remember, if they were able to toss this away so easily and never look back, the connection and "love" that we thought we had probably never really existed. It existed in our head but love can only really exist if it is a mutual feeling and when they can betray you so effortlessly and with no remorse, you can pretty easily deduce that they never felt the same about you as you did about them, even if they convincingly pretended to for long periods of time.

[chillamom]

This was definitely on my mind when I decided to take him back last November.  I had broken up with him in May 2015, and had MANAGED 6 WHOLE MONTHS OF DISTANCE (albeit with him contacting me constantly) before I gave in and went back.  Just broke up again a week ago, hopefully this time for good, but he is trying all of his  ploys (pity mostly) again.  Just to "warn" you - when I took him back in November after those 6 months of relative clarity things were SO MUCH WORSE.  He had actually hooked up with another woman for about a month or two last summer and early fall (I feel sorry for HER because he was calling me every damn day) and I could never get past that.  PLUS, and this is the more important part... .ALL of his behaviors (horrible accusations, verbal abuse, endless interrogations, constant hostility and misinterpretation) came ROARING back within a month.  In other words, things could never be "good again" - even though "good" hadn't been good since about 2012 (8 year relationship, 2008-2016, RIP, ).  It's still hard, because more than 1% of me wants to be CHARMED back in, but I cant let that happen, because I know for a FACT now that nothing would ever change.  Please, try to turn that 1% into a big old ZERO and understand that the hurt they have caused in the past, barring a complete personality transplant, will NOT differ!  I know it's so hard to give up hope, and obviously I still hang on a bit as well, but we are not doing ourselves any favors imagining things will change because they won't.

[GoingBack2OC]

Does anyone feel like things could be that way again, though you know they can't with all the hurt, them dating other people, etc. since the break up?

Up until yesterday, and perhaps I am speaking to soon to tell- I genuinely felt as hurt as I was by how I was literally tossed aside (and lied to and cheated on for months), that we could, our love had the possibility to survive.

I had a long long conversation last night with a mutual friend. It was the first time I had spoken to anyone about the breakup that we were both connected to.

What's interesting, and I think many here could relate- is that the "version" of her side, or how we broke up, was ambiguous, not really talked about- BUT, was completely false, in terms of what she did say.

She had been wedging herself in between myself and the people we had in common as friends. As such, I pulled away, and for a long while, was just out of touch.

So while we were still dating, and I thought working through problems, progressing in ways, she had- to quote my friend "a whole new life, she's really a totally different person now, honestly, we were under the impression you two had split way back during the begining of the year".

The friend was, well, shocked, but also interestingly enough, not shocked, to hear that the truth was she had been with me up until around July 4th. And was, during that time, avoiding me, and had a new guy, she had basically introduced into her circle, and my friends. All of whom thought we were over.

But what really gave me clarity, was the things they said. "She lies, we all know that."; "She's always very secretive about things and doesnt say much- honestly I dont thing we really know her that well in terms of her life".

So getting back to the point; is that until I heard it from someone who still knew her, and in many ways told me what I needed to hear, that it's pure fiction, I really was pining for her, as much as afraid to be with her again.

The crying stopped a week or so ago, but last night, after that call, I can't really explain it, but in a lot of ways I stopped caring so much.

I think so much of what we struggle with is our own delusional perspective on how we believe, or want to believe, things could be. The "perfect version" of our own fairy tale. But that's all it is. Make believe.

I needed that conversation last night to "get that". But I'd highly suggest that you dig deep, into the why's, the reason you want, the hope you're hanging onto.

I know it's really to early to tell, but since talking with them, I for the first time felt somewhat ok. I feel now I am in a way the luckiest unlucky guy on earth. Unlucky that I allowed her to wreak havoc on my life. But so so lucky that I didnt get her pregnant, or get married to her.

I had no urge to call her this morning, and really have no desire to do so now. Honestly, I have no clue what I would even say.

So, you need to really seek answers, whether it's with yourself, introspection, with friends, however, but it's so important to get to a place where you can - See the person for who they are and nothing more -.

Ask yourself, if you had never dated them at all, but knew all that you know about them now, as if you were on a dating site that allowed you to peer in to who they are... .would you wink? Poke? Send a message? Hi I'd like to meet you?

When I look now, today, at my ex-girlfriend, in that raw, objective way the answer is clear.

I had been fixating on:  Our love is so unique. The sex is so great. She is so beautiful. She makes me feel great when she's nice to me. All the little things... .

Objectively, purely:  She is dishonest with everyone in her life. She lies to her friends, her family, and her partner. She cheats. Has sex with other men, and she lies about it to the person she claims to love the most in the world. She is secretive. She hides things. She is paranoid in many ways, lying I am sure is draining, keeping it all straight, what you told whom, making sure people dont talk and find out. She is envious. And jealous. And she is highly self conscious about her looks. She is not giving. She is highly possessive about objects, mine mine mine. She's entitled, to a ridiculous extent. She has a totally distorted sense of self... .I could go on. And on. And on.  And yea, she's really pretty. She's good in bed. She dresses well. Always looks nice.

But those last few items? Thats not enough. It isnt.

Its bizarre how I just needed to hear it from someone else. The friend I talked to was so constructive, supportive, and honestly just told me look man, this is terrible, she manipulated you, she's still got a hold on you, not calling you back, ghosting you, you got to be free. You got to "Embrace Freedom".

I know- just how hard it is to do this. To separate the head from the heart. I was in denial for so long. Ignoring so many red flags. But after having what I'd say was the best advice I've been given since the meltdown, I can honestly say:  While I'm still hurt, I'm offended by what she did, embarrassed by how she disgraced us; I'm ready to move on. I know it is the only thing I can do. THE ONLY THING.

Making love will never be the same. Ever. Period. The thoughs of how she cheated, lied, called me such horrible names, those memories, I would like those to just fade away.

I will find someone great. I have never cheated, always had nice girlfriends, this is my BPD first. I want a good person. I won't settle for less than that.

On a final note; no contact, which I have now started, and will keep a daily journal, every day, counting each day, until it's no longer needed- is for you. To heal yourself. Don't count on them coming back. They might, but they might not.

So don't even think or waste any time or energy on "if" they came back. It is a waste of your life time. You only have so much.

Do anything, to not fixate. My last breakup... .6 years ago... .I made myself practice the Rubix Cube... .every time I started to think about her. To stop obsessing.

And it worked. The Rubix Cube takes total thought concentration to learn to solve, and then get faster. It is an ultimate distraction. Within a month I could solve it in 2:30s. And I was out of the worst of it.

Find that distraction.

I hope this helps.

[Icanteven]

A lot of people here seem to not want the relationship back, as they were cold and mean during the relationship.  My ex became cold and mean AFTER they break up, as she totally detached, almost instantly. But during the relationship, she was just super emotional and crying which took an emotional toll on me.

With you up to here.

But looking back, i feel it's something i could've tolerated more than the emptiness now.

Why?  I felt like crap after the breakup with my high school girlfriend, my college girlfriends, my girlfriend after college, and the next one too; none of them had mental illnesses; breaking up just sucks, even if you're the dumper. 

This is the only thing that prevents me from not losing a 1% hope she would come back.
Does anyone feel like things could be that way again, though you know they can't with all the hurt, them dating other people, etc. since the break up?

Nope.  Under no illusions things will ever be the same again.  You've got two choices, and you're going to hate them both: 1) they do nothing and just repeat these patterns over and over with you and whomever else, or; 2) they get help for YEARS, which causes their symptoms to remit (not resolve, not go away, just remit like leukemia), but also means that behaviors and the underlying pathologies behind those behaviors that you liked so much about them also go away.

You're not married and there are no children right?  Be grateful for the good times, learn from your mistakes, find someone emotionally healthy, and get the love you want. 

[woundedPhoenix]

The way it used to be was a fantasy. It's the only relationship phase they can handle: an intense fairy tale romance. From the moment reality and true responsability set in, their trust issues and disillusionment will destroy whatever good you had between you. Time and time again.

[FannyB]

Even if she could revert permanently back to the idealization phase, it needs you to believe in her for the illusion to work. How can you trust yourself to fully relax with someone who hurt you so badly? I know I couldn't however sincere she was.

Fanny

[fromheeltoheal]

I can tell you from experience it would never be "that way again" Indifferent.  Once partners part in these relationships, once the attachment is severed, a borderline interprets that as abandonment, even if they did the leaving, with all of the rationalizations that go with that, so trust erodes, maybe both ways.  Once I got back together with my ex, we had a little idealization phase, glad to be back together, and then cycled into the devaluation phase more quickly and more severely.  And it's common to hear folks report here that with each recycle the progression of the disorder happened more quickly, and it was "never the same."

This is the only thing that prevents me from not losing a 1% hope she would come back.

Is that true?  The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge gap, and takes quite a leap to get there, although really, there's not much work involved in letting go, you just let go and let it fall away, but it's very hard to let go of something we want.  So is there a way for you to separate the feelings from the woman Indifferent?  Because if you really think about it, it's not her you are holding out hope for, it's those feelings you got when you were with her, at least the good ones, yes?  So if you let go of the woman but keep the feelings, or more accurately, find a way to create those feelings within yourself, then letting her go is no biggie right?  So what are those feelings, what needs were being met to allow you to feel that way, and where did those needs come from?  And how can they be met now, exclusive of her?  :)igging there is life changing, and having the motivation to dig there because you're trying to detach might just be a gift of the relationship.

[kc sunshine]

This seems so wise to me. I will try it too.  thank you FHTH.

So is there a way for you to separate the feelings from the woman Indifferent?  Because if you really think about it, it's not her you are holding out hope for, it's those feelings you got when you were with her, at least the good ones, yes?  So if you let go of the woman but keep the feelings, or more accurately, find a way to create those feelings within yourself, then letting her go is no biggie right?  So what are those feelings, what needs were being met to allow you to feel that way, and where did those needs come from?  And how can they be met now, exclusive of her?  :)igging there is life changing, and having the motivation to dig there because you're trying to detach might just be a gift of the relationship.