Is this normal BPD behaviour with a replacement?

[CC85]

Well, ever since my ex udBPDgf left 3 weeks ago, having spent a month texting her work colleague and meeting up, she has been emailing me daily basically saying how she hadn't "moved on yet" but then suddenly said that was true up to a certain night... .

Because she claimed she was a victim of domestic abuse (I asked her to leave and hand the key to my house back), she is being protected and has been put on a couple of women's freedom courses etc.

This morning, she emailed me saying "If I want to fight for my family, then she wants me to show I mean it by going on an anger management course and proving it to her." When I quizzed her on why it was necessary seeing as she'd moved on, she said "If you love me as much as you say, then you will"... .She refused to answer definitively as to what she had done with the replacement until I probed and said that for me to make a decision on whether I fight, I need to know the extent to what she has moved on... .She finally admitted that she had slept with this guy twice, but showed no remorse as it was my fault for treating her so bad! It's worth mentioning that when we were apart for 8 weeks 2 years ago (again her walking out because she "had feelings for an old friend" although nothing ever happened that time, I had serious police charges hanging over me and for a time thought that jail was a possibility, so naturally tried to enjoy my life as best as possible which saw me having a 2 week fling with a girl I met on a night out.

Instead of my ex showing remorse for her moving on this time, she said "well, I didn't **** him as many times as you did your bit of stuff!"... .I emailed her back in utter disbelief and asked if she was for real, asking me if I was going to fight for her and prove to her that I wanted my family, whilst she had absolutely no regret over moving on.

Her response to this was "**** you then, you've walked out on your family, your loss, I will build a new one now!" to which I replied again just showing my disbelief to which my ex replied with "I'm moving on with my life, onwards and upwards!"

I haven't heard from her tonight, so I guess (although I'm trying not to ruminate!) she's probably having another night of passion with the replacement seeing as I have my son tonight and her ex has her other son.

I guess this is her trying to get 2 guys to compete for her affection, which is yet another control mechanism for the BPD sufferer?

[Hadlee]

Sounds like she hasn't secured the replacement as yet.

Sorry you are going through this.

[WoundedBibi]

Sounds like she hasn't secured the replacement as yet.

Sorry you are going through this.

Two options.

1) she is not 100% sure about the replacement for whatever reason. So if you would be gullible enough to immediately come running saying you want to fight and do any course in the world you would be ripe for a recycle if she so chooses.

2) she got the advice to give you this chance so she can prove she tried to be a responsible parent in case she wants to get custody of your son.

To cover your own behind for court and custody purposes: do not get emotional in any communication with her. Don't flat out refuse anything. Quizzing and probing is good but keep it business like. No cussing or anything like that. Don't mention the time of the pending police charges in the emails.

It is very difficult to not get emotional or angry or let her rattle your cage but your son's future might be at stake here. If you do feel you are getting emotional, walk away from the email without sending it. Cool off before reading and writing again. Let someone else (your mother?) read it before sending.

Don't let her drag you into this emotional hurricane. Don't get stuck thinking about passion; it lasts a few minutes. Your son is the one that counts here; he has a risk of getting BPD or ending up in a BPD relationship himself. Be unselfish. Think with the organ between your ears not... .the other one.

[CC85]

Thanks Bibi, your comment regarding thinking with the organ between  my ears made me smile!

I haven't heard anything since, and I think my ex would probably have spent the night with the replacement anf gone to work together.

As hard as it is to accept, I guess the way she is behaving shows a complete disregard to me and if she actually loved me would at least show some remorse or regret.

I find it hits me worse waking up in the morning, as I'm waking up alone and seeing to our son,  whilst ruminating over my ex waking up with the other man.

I do think that as she has played the victim card and had all kinds of domestic abuse support, despite me stating my side of things to the professional services, she is probably hoping I give in and do an anger mgt course which would look like me admitting I had a problem (and go against me in the future). I have never suffered from any form of anger,  addiction etc and spent 10 ultimately happy and peaceful years with 1 girl before my ex, so any talk of me having a problem is my ex's good acting and claims that she is the victim.

[Chelsea 69]

Hi as you no were in the same place right now that feeling of what they are doing just eating away at you gut wrenching. To say the least ... .you have a son that love you focus on him .for now thinking about things you have no power of changing is only going to bring you to a point of begging her back .giving her the power of playing you when ever she want ... .got told the same thing this weekend but instead of mulling over what she is getting up too I've had our son for two great days ... .look at it this way your son is with you not putting up with what ever is mum is getting up too build ya strength back up read read and read so more and take each day as it comes ... be ready for  cos it will come once she has had her fun ... .

[CC85]

Thanks Chelsea, and it is comforting knowing you're going through the same horrible situation and staying string.

Just as I was reading your post my ex emails me again saying she hadn't had any Internet hence why she hadn't contacted me... .I replied with you mean you had the replacement round and we're too busy to. Turns out she only slept with this guy one night and it was a mistake and has been awkward since... .but she's letting him stay on a sofa bed until next Monday as his rent lease expired so he had no where to go. I told my ex that if she had any remorse or really wanted me to fight for the family like she was suggesting she would kick the guy out immediately, and show utter remorse. She then replied with "there you go emotionally blackmailing me and telling me what to do... .you obviously don't want to fight for us so have a good life" complete craziness... .

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks Chelsea, and it is comforting knowing you're going through the same horrible situation and staying string.

Just as I was reading your post my ex emails me again saying she hadn't had any Internet hence why she hadn't contacted me... .I replied with you mean you had the replacement round and we're too busy to. Turns out she only slept with this guy one night and it was a mistake and has been awkward since... .but she's letting him stay on a sofa bed until next Monday as his rent lease expired so he had no where to go. I told my ex that if she had any remorse or really wanted me to fight for the family like she was suggesting she would kick the guy out immediately, and show utter remorse. She then replied with "there you go emotionally blackmailing me and telling me what to do... .you obviously don't want to fight for us so have a good life" complete craziness... .

PwBPD can't show the remorse you want to hear. Showing remorse would mean saying she was utterly wrong in doing what she did. If what she did was wrong, she is wrong. As a person. Letting the feeling that she is wrong as a person (unloveable, waste of space) in for a pwBPD is such an overwhelming feeling it literally feels they are going to die.

Anything to avoid feeling you are going to die. Same you would do if you could avoid someone putting a gun to your head. She will NOT go there.