Staying strong with my 2nd wife

[LGDD2]

Good morning: 

1st wife (Ex):  started dating our second year of college, married age 23... .moved to new town after graduation, worked in Residence Life on college campus (hall director).   Ex finished degree, then got in to medical school.  Ex had first affairs during this time (x2). We worked with therapist and worked through it.

I left four different University jobs to support her med education.  Had daughters age 30 and 32.  Ex struggled with BPD / NPD.  Used the silent treatment with me, controlling.  in 2005 we moved family back to home town, Ex had good gig as doctor, and i became stay at home parent.  That lasted four years.  I found open e-mail day after Christmas 2008 and discovered another affair.  Confused and jobless, I tried to work on marriage (marriage-builders-dot-com web site was helpful).  Never worked so hard at anything in my life.  After fiver months i discovered yet another affair (#4 that I knew of).  I was done.  Handed her papers May 2009. 

Ex moved out and asked me to take full custody of the daughters... .she did not want to adjust her work schedule / doctor life.  No problem.  She tried to lure me back in, but i was done.  After 6-7 months of trying to win me back, it all changed... .and the gloves came off.  It was attorney vs. attorney until December of 2010 (yes, the divorce took over a year and a half!).  We finally settled out of court, me getting child support and 6 years of alimony. 

2nd wife:  In May 2010 met my current wife on match.com.  We e-mailed for a week or so, then talked on phone for almost a month before meeting in person.  Became intimate quickly after meeting in person.   Initially i was leery of her... .shared some of the same traits as my Ex -- Catholic up bringing, worked in medicine (nurse practitioner), first born.  And her best friend from high school was wife of the COO of my University.  Wife pushed to be "exclusive" and not date other people, which was fine with me.  My girls were 12 and 10, she had two boys, 8 and 6. 

Wife very different from Ex in many ways:  more outgoing, open, not shy about her feelings, wore emotions on sleeve.  Got along well with my daughters, although sometimes difficult because she was used to boys. 

Wife and boys moved in to my house in fall 2011.  Challenging, but we have made much progress. 

Daughters and I saw therapist / counselor since separated from Ex.  Wife and I have seen therapist / counselor for 5+ years as we have blended our family.  Oldest daughter has been struggling with eating disorder (ED) / anorexia since fall 2014. Her mom (Ex) battled eating ED as a teen.  Daughter struggles with anxiety and ED, and is sometimes very quiet, grumpy.  Wifes' boys take meds for ADD... .her youngest is very hot and cold... .one moment so loving and caring, the next he's talking back, growling, stomping around the house. 

Wife's parents were 16 years old when she was born (unplanned pregnancy).  Wife had alcoholic, physically abusive father growing up (he beat her and her mom).  Wife has younger brother (8 years younger) and sister (10 years younger).  Wife's mom felt stuck in relationship... .fought to get education and get away from abusive husband.  Finally divorced him when my wife was 16 years old.

Wife was married to her ex-husband for 10+ years.  I really can't remember why she left him.  I think it had to do with his respect of her, not treating her well. 

There have been times when our relationship has struggled, and i've contemplated ending it.  We are not officially married due to alimony.  We do share the mortgage on the house.  My therapist has been SO WONDERFUL helping me understand the wife, where she comes from, how to interact with her, how to push back and even out the power struggles. 

Wife thinks fast on her feet, attacks with vengeance, brings in emotions and personal attacks... .I try to remain logical, and think, but I'm not that quick on my feet.  Counselor has done a good job of helping me walk away from argument and wife's rage, and come back to the discussion later. 

I've grown so much in the past few years. 

Why am I here?  My mom used to be a great source for me to talk to.  She passed away after long battle with Cancer in December 2013.  I really can't talk to my brother (3 years younger) or Dad.  They just don't understand.  Talked to my sister (3 years older) but she has trouble keeping her mouth shut

I do love the wife, and challenge her / stand up for myself.  More later.  Back to work... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Do you identify any aspects of yourself that may draw you to partners like this?

[LGDD2]

Do you identify any aspects of yourself that may draw you to partners like this?

Most certainly.  Born with club foot and one leg shorter than the other... .had to wear orthopedic shoes in grade school when everyone else was wearing tennis shoes (70's).  I was always a "husky" kid (fat kid), and got made fun of.  Was pretty good at sports, but always felt inadequate.  Around 4th grade talked my mom in to letting me wear tennis shoes instead of the ortho shoes.  That helped a lot.

Kind of a loner until 8th grade, and started hanging with more popular group of kids.  Still "chunky" and girls never paid attention to me.  High school played football, but again no girls interested in me, so i made due. 

Good strong family life, Dad pretty laid back, didn't say much.  Mom strong personality, very good communication, took care of our family.  Lutheran religion growing up, strong family ties.  Never really saw my parents fight.  The would kid each other, and my Dad was really a smart-ass, but never fight. 

Got a girlfriend spring of my senior year... .she was Catholic, didn't believe in pre-marital sex, which was okay with me.  She was pretty quiet and ran cross-country.  We happened to be going to same college that fall.  We dated entire first year of college... .I didn't have any friends from HS there, so i spent probably 95% of my time with her and her friends. 

Looking back now, i believe she may have dated me mainly because i had a truck, and could give her and friend ride to and from college. 

That summer the girlfriend found another guy and dumped me.  That was okay since i was working 50-60 hours a week at beef packing house, dropped about 20 pounds.  Six months later i met the now Ex wife, we were second year in college.  She was beautiful, nice, etc. 

I've only "seriously dated" three women in my life.  And all three have history with family alcoholism.  This is more about me and my desire to "help" or "fix" people.  Compensating for early childhood where i was made fun of for the funny shoes, and begin the "fat kid." 

The good news is my therapist / counselor has helped me gain a voice in my relationship... .and find balance.  Current wife needs me to push back on her, raise my voice when she raises hers... .get angry when she gets angry... .otherwise it throws off the balance in the relationship.  I find great joy in helping others... .but I MUST ask others for help, otherwise it's always about giving, giving, giving... .and people take advantage of that... .builds resentment on my part, and they think they can walk all over me. 

So to answer your question, yes, I've identified things that draw me to partners like this... .and i'm working to make changes in myself.

[waverider]

A common factor i have noticed is a tendency to bond with others who also may have been viewed as outcasts and try to be extra nice to them, as we wish others would to us. This being nice usually ends up by us having weak personal boundaries.

pwBPD thrive in those relationships as they push those boundaries and tend to turn us into doormats. The problem is, as they have little structure and boundaries themselves they need us to provide them. If we have allowed ourselves to be treated as doormats as a result of trying to appease, we can't supply that need, hence they start to disrespect us, for being the very person they turned us into.

Point of this is they need us to butt heads with, otherwise they will just keep on going off course. The trick is being able to do this in the least confronting and invalidating way. This usually means employing black and white boundaries ourselves, without trying to vary or negotiate. pwBPd understand black and white yes/no decisions as long as they are consistent, even if they do initially arc up about it.

[LGDD2]

Another sign of progress:  I drove daughter to Softball games in town 50 miles away Friday night, Saturday and most of day Sunday. 

Sunday texted her around 4 PM saying we were finished with softball, be home in hour.  Nothing back.

I get home and older daughter says wife is rollerblading.  There is chicken breast sitting out, ready to be cooked.  Older daughter (the one struggling with anorexia) wants to eat dinner.  So I start cooking, not knowing when wife will be home.  We are finishing dinner when wife calls... .she's all bubbly / happy, says she's going to stop by Hy Vee and get a few things, then come make dinner... .it's 6:15 PM... .I say we have already eaten, dinner is cooked and ready for her.  Silence.

She growls and says, "I had planned a meal, why didn't you wait." 

Seriously: no note, no reply to my text, she tells older daughter who was home at time, nothing about her meal plan.  Now i'm the bad guy.

Anxiety wells up inside me preparing for her rage on return home.  And I keep thinking, you did nothing wrong here... .you were hungry, no communication from wife, daughter needed food.  What the hell.

Wife comes home and is growly as expected.  I give her the "What the heck" look and she starts in.  I remind her i texted her two hours ago, nothing in return.  I remind her no notes in house, no discussion with daughter on meal plan.  She grumbles and walks off.  I hold fast. 

10 minutes later she walks over and sits down and apologizes.  She doesn't apologize often, so this is HUGE!  I listen, she talks, I don't apologize... .I just let her talk.  It was good and progress.  The whole mood of the night shifted at that point. 

Later in night I joke with her, "you know, I'm probably the only guy in western hemisphere that got growled at for making dinner... ."  (kind of wanted to see if she was really sorry, or just saying it).

She apologized again.  Progress. 

[waverider]

Thats good. Throwing in a bit of empathy that her plans were inadvertently spoiled wouldn't do any harm either in these situations.

Miscommunication (or lack of) are the reality of the situation, but the disappointment was also real and shouldn't be ignored, or her intention dismissed.

eg "Thats a bummer wish I had known, never mind at least you have it ready for when you got home, do you want to make something special tomorrow?)