Reuniting with BPD family relations

[joeramabeme]

Hi All

First time posting on this board.  Got to BPD Family as a result of failed marriage and now considering real possibility that other family members are BPD or at minimum BPD-styled in their relational traits.

My question centers around two siblings; sister that stopped talking with me for last 10 years and brother who stopped talking for 6 years.  Both siblings have done this sudden severing of communications cycle prior to this recent event and both are now attempting to come back into my life - I suspect as the result of the recent loss of our Mother. 

I saw both at funeral, where we decided to let differences stay unspoken.  Afterward, my Sister has started to routinely contact me again.  She asked me out to dinner and I went and there was no mention of 10 years gone by, just a dialogue as if we had been speaking all along.  I attempted deeper communication but her skills are not there.  I was so deeply hurt when she suddenly cut off communications between us because my 3 nieces and nephews also stopped talking with me and I was very close to them.  It was very difficult.

Brother similar story as Sister.  Stopped communicating over an argument.  Extraordinarily angry, I lost relationship with nieces and nephews, tried to mend fences at the time to no avail.  He contacted me for first time on Mothers Day to go out with his family and friends to which I did not reply and do not want to.  How awkward!  Nice, but awkward.  I haven't spoke with him for 6 years and suddenly get a call to go out with your friends and family?   

Are my siblings BP?  Can't say for sure but they certainly have acted like it through the years and if I had to guess I would say yes.

My gut feeling is that I do not want to reconnect with either of them.  They both can be very nice and I am sure are deeply caring but also have a propensity to be extremely mean and cannot handle their own feelings very well and definitely cannot maturely handle differences with other people - especially family.  Through the years gone by, I found myself getting sucked into their unresolved stuff, I am sure mine is mixed in there as well.  But there is no talking about anything that is beyond the level of their emotional growth, which is not very developed.

I am older now, do not have a family of my own, recently divorced from a BPD and although very sad and sometimes lonely, do not want these people back in my life because I could not bear another connect-sever cycle without being hurt and feeling like a total fool and with no one to blame but me.

Given what I have learned about my ex's BPD and staying No Contact; do the same concepts and principles apply to non-romantic relationships?  I ask because I do not see a middle of the road solution other than to robotically spend time with them while avoiding the obvious elephants in the room and pretending that all is ok and listening to the same emotional vitriol and misinformation that had been playing 10 years earlier.

Curious to hear what others think?  Has anyone else made a decision to go NC with FOO?

JRB

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY JRB:

My parents  both died within 4 months of each other.  :)ad passed on October 1, 2014 and mom passed on Feb. 5, 2015.  I've been very LC with my uBPD sis since Sept. of 2015. (contact only via US mail)  I feel like a bit of an orphan as well.  I can relate to NOT wanting to start another round of drama with siblings, especially when they are unable to (or won't) deal with any of the issues.  

My sister had evolved into being a difficult person around family, but a perfect angel around her church friends.  She was frequently in a bad mood and grouchy around family, but I was able to steer clear of conflicts, before we were forced to work together on tough things.

She turned into an uBPD monster as soon as we had to work together on things concerning our parents.  My parents made us co-trustees for their medical power of attorneys, financial power of attorneys and then their trust/estate.  My sister wouldn't go to counseling, because in her eyes, "she didn't need it".  I started counseling (couldn't deal with her rages and verbal abuse any longer)  and that is where the the probability of my sister having BPD came up.

It was a year in hell  to try and work together with my sister. (from the start of our parent's hospitalizations to:  medical POA's, financial POA's, deaths, burials and then trust matters.  There were multiple rage events on her part and a long list of BPD behaviors.

We currently are stuck with approx. 25% of trust matters to settle.  I have been in very LC with my sister, since the sale of my parent's home.  She had an extreme rage event 2 days after the sale, when she demanded to recieve 50% of the remaining trust proceeds before trust business was concluded and taxes and remaining bills were paid.

My sister got a lawyer.  After trying to unsuccessfully resolve simple things, I had to get a lawyer as well.  Looks like it is going to be expensive to close out trust business.  My parents would be rolling over in their graves.

I anticipate that it may take 3-4 months to work through the remaining estate issues with our lawyers and to close the trust.  After that, I will be NC with my sister.  I will appear to be an orphan at that time.

If my sister would agree to go to family counseling together, I would be agreeable to work on a relationship.  Without that, I can't go another round with her.  I'd rather NOT have a relationship with her. I'm stuck in a state of being painted black, so I guess that is where we will leave it.

After we have paid the last of the lawyer's bills, the trust is closed and some time passes, perhaps she may get in touch with me ( I won't likely be the one).   Who knows how I may feel at that time.  At the moment, I am continuing with therapy and gaining understanding and skills.  If I resume contact down the road, I'll have better skills to use.

I'm very firm right now with my decision.  I'm fine with being alone at holidays (much preferred than drama), volunteering or finding new friends to share them with.  If uBPD sis gets counseling and can agree to at least make an attempt to tame her temper rages and BPD traits, then I will resume contact.  I definitely can't repeat the same horrible cycle and pick up where we left off as if nothing happened.  I could write a book on all the horrible things she did during the last 2 weeks my parent's home was in escrow.  It's hard to forget and come back from without a discussion.

It is a personal decision.  We all have some variables and what is a right fit for one person, isn't right for the next.

Best wishes with your decision.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi JRB,

I also have had NC with my uBPD sis over 10yrs. For years we had cycles of her getting mad, not being able to discuss her anger with me, her harboring resentment and going silent treatment, then her trying to reconnect and expecting me to make amends in some way for something that was fabricated by her in some way.

The 'straw' for me was her increasing paranoid delusions toward me and me realizing I served as a trigger in some way.  So the last time she stormed about me, I peacefully agreed that she is correct, it is not working well between us.   

It does not conflict me so much to have made that decision to be NC with her as it was plain and clear to me that our contact seemed to exacerbated her psychosis in some way.

What is a very difficult decision for me is whether or not to maintain a relationship with her adult daughter who has taken much into moms footsteps in life.  It is hard for me to decide whether to treat the adult child as an adult or as a child I feel responsible to guide in some way.  (I have always felt protective and maternal towards her when she was a young child.)

When I have pondered on the topic of values and boundaries and my own mental, emotional health, the answer has become clearer to me.  I decided that I can do well to manage my niece in small controlled doses.  My values can still be upheld and boundaries in place and I am mindful of my values and boundaries first.  (Needless to say, these 'small doses' happen to be very small and only maybe here and there throughout the year)

After learning here about FOG, I appreciate applying that to many relationships and I conclude there is nothing nobel in me sustaining the relationship out of any FOG when I really don't feel it is a good thing for me.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks Naught Nibbler and Sun Flower

Guess I am going to live this where my intuition tells me to be and stay away.