Tried to be hopeful and once again...disappointed

[Shell Shocked]

I should be sleeping right now.  But yet here I am, another sleepless night due to my 17 year old BPD.  This should be an exciting time for us.  She is graduating high school today... .by the skin of her teeth.  She blew the entire year off and it really came down to the wire.  I had to send an e-mail to her Guidance Counselor 2 days ago to see if she had pulled it off.  Apparently she did.

I am sad because I allowed myself to be positive and think that maybe she was starting to get things together.  She has been in a better mood the past couple weeks and it seemed that the graduation scare and the fact that she didn't get into any colleges had gotten her thinking.  I posted a few weeks ago about her thinking about living with my SIL (who has been undermining our parenting for the past year) and that I knew it wasn't a good idea.  I left it up to her.  I was not going to stop her but I told her that we could also help her here.

I sat down with her and helped her come up with a plan for her future.  She is not good with long term goals so I told her she didn't have to decide what she wanted to do with her life - but perhaps she could start by thinking about what she wanted to do with her summer.  I sat down with my husband and we decided that we would try and go forward from this terrible year with her with a clean slate.  We were going to help her get her driver's license (I paid for driver's ed that she never went to), help her get a car so she could drive herself to work and to school (I have been driving her or she has been riding places with friends), we would allow her to live here and attend community college and then she could reapply to schools for next year.  We also agreed to help her turn her phone back on.  (My husband put it in her name and stopped paying when she blocked us.  We were paying for the phone so we could get a hold of her.  She quit her job in October and hasn't worked since so no income - no phone)

So basically I told her that I was going to give her the summer to get her stuff in order.  She needs to find a job, save money, and apply to community college.  We would cover the costs and help her until the end of the summer and then she could start contributing something for her expenses.  She seemed on board.  She said that she didn't want to go to live with my SIL because it wouldn't be a good environment for her.  We also found out that her boyfriend has decided not to go to school and will be staying in town and going to Community College.

Anyway- as a way to pay her phone bill for the summer, she asked us if she could mow the lawn.  It is a job she used to do a couple years ago that one of our other daughters has taken on and enjoys doing.  We didn't want to take it away from the eager child who wants to do it and give it to the one that is only doing it to get money and really doesn't do a good job... .but we decided that it might be nice to have it done twice a week so she could do the midweek mow and my younger daughter could continue doing it with her Dad on weekends.  So yesterday was her first day mowing the lawn for us.  It took her a while and she was flying around on the riding mower really fast.  This morning my husband went out to get something out of the barn and texted me asking what she had hit with the mower.  (HE was out of town until last night).  I told him I had no idea, she hadn't mentioned anything to me.  He sent me a picture.  She had clearly been in an accident with it.  The entire headlight was hanging out and the glass was missing.  She had to have hit something hard to do this.  And she just put the mower away and didn't say anything.  I texted her (she had graduation practice and a BBQ) and asked her what she had hit and why she hadn't mentioned it.  She wrote back later that she hadn't noticed anything and the mower seemed fine.  I sent her the picture and said that there was no way that she hadn't noticed doing this and that Dad really needed to know where it happened so he could find the parts of the headlight.  We have 5 other young children and he was concerned that someone could get hurt.  She then told me some crazy story about how she swerved to avoid a chicken and was near the dumpster so maybe she hit that.  She said she felt a jolt but she was wearing headphones and thought she just ran over a rock.  Again... .there is no way a rock could have done this much damage.  I told her that I was pretty concerned that she had been in an accident that did that much damage and didn't seem to realize it happened and that perhaps we should reconsider rushing to get an actual driver's license.  She then texted me how sorry she was and she didn't mean it and didn't realize and so on... . Fast forward to after dinner.  My husband does to the barn to try and look at the mower and figure out what parts he needs and he opens a small compartment near a cup holder.  He came in and handed me a pipe and a container with marijuana in it.  

I am pretty upset.  This is a first for us.  I have had suspicions before but never found anything.  She, of course, talks all the time about how her cousin is throwing his life away not going to school and just sitting around smoking pot all the time but yet here she is, doing the same thing.  I am 36 weeks pregnant and I have 5 other young children 11, 9, 7, 5, and 2.  I cannot have this around them.  I don't even know what to do.  I texted her asking her what time she would be home and telling her we had a pretty big problem that we needed to talk about.  She came home and went straight to her room and jumped in the shower and then directly to bed.  Clearly she knows that we know and she is trying to avoid it.  

It now makes sense to me why she almost flunked out of school, why she is not motivated and isn't really trying to find a job.  Why she isn't calling the restaurant down the street back when they have called twice since she put in an application.  Why she and her boyfriend go for long walks in the woods and on the trails when he is over - even to the point of needing to go for a walk 15 min before we left for my birthday dinner and being 10 min late coming back, making us late for the reservation.  

I am really sad.  I have tried so hard with this girl.  I have given her so many advantages in life.  We lost $20K sending her to a private high school for 2 years that she dropped out of and refused to go back to.  Nobody ever sat me down and said "I want to help you" and tried to help me get my life in order.  I am so hurt.  All my younger kids are constantly sacrificing and missing out on things because of all the drama that surrounds this child.  The stress is not good for me being pregnant, it is not good for the rest of my family.  We can't go on like this.  She turns 18 in 2 weeks.  I think I am going to tell her that in light of this new finding - my deals are currently off the table.  I cannot buy her a car when she crashed the lawn mower because she was under the influence of drugs.  I cannot shell out more money to send her to Community College when she barely passed high school and isn't showing any signs of changing.  I think i am going to tell her that she needs to get a job, save money and she has until the summer to move out.  Perhaps unless she agrees to go back to counseling and actually take it seriously.  Then maybe we can help her, but right now I need to think of my health and the rest of my kids.  This is kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.  I have put up with erratic behavior, false accusations, and her treating us all terribly and abusively.  I am not going to support her in a life of smoking pot and lying around doing nothing in my home around my small children.

Thanks for reading this if you got this far.  In 12 hours I bring her to her high school graduation and I feel no pride, no happiness.  I couldn't be more disappointed or sad.  I never thought it would be this way or I would feel this way about my child.    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there shellshocked

That was quite a post and I really feel for you as you're hands are already full and with a new baby on the way.

Your story reminds me a lot of me. I can't remember how many times we talked with our BPDs25. At 18 it was plainly obvious he wasn't going to get the qualifications he needed to go to university. I'm ashamed to say that when he told me he needed help the night before a deadline I sat with him and we did his work together. Without this he would never have made it to university. Why did I do this? For a lot of reasons but mainly because he'd said he wanted to go to uni. I now realise the fundamental flaw in my thinking: if he really wanted to go then he would have made sure he achieved what he needed to. He dropped out at the end of year 1. I learnt a hard lesson.

I'm saying it as I see.

Your daughter has graduated. Fantastic! This can't be taken away, regardless if she "deserved" it or not she has that piece of paper. It may help her in the future.

She smokes weed. A lot of "normal" kids do. They push boundaries, they make choices we don't agree with. They grow beyond the person we raise them as and it's hard to take. My BPDs25 has a long history of drug abuse. I wish I'd sat him down to really try to understand his need or desire to do so. I so wish I had the understanding I do now. My son self medicates to ease his racing thoughts, his anxieties. I wonder why your daughter is smoking pot, is it to fit in? Is she in pain and she's found a way herself to ease it? How much does she smoke? Why does she smoke alone?

I wish I'd asked these questions. I may not have got a truthful answer. They are so emotionally immature. I eventually found he didn't know or just couldn't explain his behaviour. I wish I communicated well and not focused on the consequences or fears I'd had at the time, 

When was your daughter diagnosed?

Is she in treatment?

If it's any hope, my BPDs25 matured and is now showing signs of finally taking responsibility.

The chaos we experienced was a lot down to my reactions to his behaviour, I had no perspective and poor communication skills. I didn't know my son. I had an image of who I thought he'd become, I've realised he'll become the person he wants to be but needs our support,