what is the answer

[Venny]

Hey guys, what's the answer to getting over this ___? Is it simply time? Just go insane for a while and eventually come out ok? This girl was the best, my best friend.  We talked about everything for five years and now nothing. I kicked her out but had no choice. It's messed up because I know logically I had no option. It was retarded but emotionally I miss her like crazy. It's like this sort of thing hapoened so often it feels surreal like she will be here tomorrow. I also keep thinking about what I did. I'm not perfect by any means. I yelled and "lectured" but what the hell should I have done? We would agree on something and then she would do the exact same thing again. I know she just saw the futility in it. She admits to having problems and is allegedly getting help. I want her so bad but I know I can't.  It just kills me that she seems so ok with it. I don't know what to do I just want to feel normal. I liked her. I liked chilling with her more than anyone. The sex was amazing. But was it all a lie? Is she just with some new guy feeling the same way?, it's killing me. I miss her. I just don't get why it needed to hapoend.  It's like no matter what this was always how it would be

[heartandwhole]

Hi Venny,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know how excruciating it can be, especially the thoughts that keep circulating in your head. It's so understandable to feel this way.  Hang in there. Things really, really do get better. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but things WILL change.

Right now, it's as if your reality has been tilted on its axis. Please understand that if your ex has BPD/traits, she does not process emotions the way you do. She has very strong coping mechanisms that don't allow her to grieve or behave in the same way that you or I would. Try not to sink into all/nothing thinking like "it was all a lie," which only makes the pain more intense. Her feelings likely fluctuate, because of her attachment issues, but that doesn't mean that when she loved you it wasn't real. It WAS real for her, for that time. Right now, her feelings tell her something different, and for her that is reality. I know it sucks, and I'm sorry.

The key to getting through this in my opinion is to understand that BPD is a serious mental disorder, that you can't love it away, that only focusing on YOU and your healing will change your reality. Feeling your feelings is very important. When you do, try to focus on them as pure sensations in your body, instead of attaching stories to them. Pay less attention to the thoughts, and more to sensations, in other words.

Have you checked out the lessons to the right? They will help set you free--------->

Do you have a therapist Venny? That helped me tremendously, especially with the way I was thinking about the breakup and my future.

And yes, time will help. Recovery is not linear; there are ups and downs and all arounds, but with time and work on yourself, you will feel so much better and be able to thrive again in your life.

Keep writing. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[FannyB]

Hi Venny

Time is indeed the answer - the question though is how you can use that period productively as you wait to heal. H&W has provided some excellent insights for you - but there really is no quick fix for getting over a relationship which touched us so deeply.



Why do they recover so quickly while we struggle for so long? The way I see it, a pwBPD has the emotional depth of a puddle, whilst they react to events very dramatically there is no real depth to their feelings - no 'shock absorbers' to protect the relationship if you hit a bump in the road. We are mentally configured to go the full distance and were committed to the relationship, whilst they, surreptitiously, always had one foot out the door - they just didn't know that at the time! 

It helps me to think that I didn't really love my ex - but rather I fell for her BPD! It was the BPD that made her so engaging and receptive, and it was the BPD that made her so distant and confusing. My ex was just an agent of it. Consequently, there would be no point in returning to that relationship as I wouldn't have the same version of my ex that I fell for - the BPD has moved on, so to speak!

I see my choices going forward as quite simple: Either find another pwBPD so I can enjoy the heady idealization phase all over again (with the inevitable devaluing to follow)   or look for something more healthy and sustainable.  In either of those scenarios my ex isn't the answer.


Fanny

[Moselle]

Venny, let me join the group and empathise with you. Emotional pain is truly excruciating and I recognise your situation from my own meandering and painful break up.

Heartandwhole  and FannyB have shared some excellent advice.

I ask myself the same questions, even after time. The good news is that the journey to self care can be really fun. It's like discovering something for the first time. That there is a side to life which we never knew existed.

6 months ago I experienced what Heartandwhole describes about body sensations for the first time, and it is a growth curve as our emotional intelligence finds fertile ground.

Well done for recognising that even though there was amazing things in this relationship, that it is ultimately a very unhealthy one and not good for us at all. Keep up with that!

And hang in there. It will get better. 

[Wize]

Hi Venny.  I'm in total agreement with the previous posters.  I'm still trying to make sense of everything in my relationship with BPD wife.  You mentioned that logically, you knew you had to cut her loose yet emotionally it's so difficult to let go.  That's exactly where I am. 

What I've done is embrace the fact that I'm able to separate logic from emotion.  Something my wife is unable to do, something I believe most pwBPD are unable to do.  It means we're mentally healthy.  We can feel what we feel but it doesn't rule our lives since our logical faculties are functioning properly. 

So stick with your gut, your logical thinking.  You're not wrong to let her go, you're just wrestling with the emotions of it.  Your logical brain(prefrontal cortex, I think) has told you "danger," "wrong," "unhealthy relatinship" so continue to heed the warning. 

I'm conflicted right now because my logical brain is battling with my emotional brain.  But I know that, in a healthy relationship, the logical and emotional can function harmoniously.  Let's strive for those kinds of relationships and put the unhealthy ones behind us.   

[Meili]

Hey Venny,

I'm going to echo what the others have already said, but I'm going to be a bit more direct about it.

If you are focusing on your x and the past r/s, you are doing nothing but keeping yourself in the loop that you are currently experiencing. To break that loop, you must look at yourself. You need to focus on you, not her, and certainly not the past.

I know how hard it is to do that sometimes. But, honestly, you are the prize here, not your x. To paraphrase Shinedown, focus on what you are after, you are the key to your next open chapter. Let's face it, your after emotionally healthy and happy. You won't find that looking at your x or the r/s. You'll find that by looking within.