Sticking around in the Devaluation stage, HUGE MISTAKE

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The devaluation stage began when I began to question her behavior. I would hold her accountable for her actions, calling her out on the excessive flirting, lying and talking down to me. From that day, I became an enemy. I could see it in the way she looked at me. I had become a trigger. Someone who saw behind the mask.

From that point forward I was kept around, mostly through sex, so that she could mind  me into believing that I was the reason the relationship didn't work, and basically I'm the abusive one, and she is a poor victim.

I allowed myself to be toyed with. She was destroying my self esteem with every interaction I had with her. She was projecting all of her nastiness on me. I realize that No Contact is the only way to stop feeding the monster.

In the span of 48 hours it went from her saying that she wanted to have kids with me, to if I accidentally got her pregnant, she would have an abortion, to saying she doesn't want to have kids. She also said she never considered me to be her boyfriend.

I also believe that she needed me around so that she get all the attention possible to be seen as the poor victim. We work together, and she would do things like literally run to the washroom with fake tears after I had cordially spoken to her at the office. That's when I realized of what she is capable of.  I fear losing my job. She knows how important my career is to me. I have no doubt that she would have no qualms about getting me fired.

I've decided to keep my distance from her. I will no longer be used as an object to feed the drama and chaos she so desperately wants.   

[Rayban]

The devaluation stage began when I began to question her behavior. I would hold her accountable for her actions, calling her out on the excessive flirting, lying and talking down to me. From that day, I became an enemy. I could see it in the way she looked at me. I had become a trigger. Someone who saw behind the mask.

From that point forward I was kept around, mostly through sex, so that she could mind  me into believing that I was the reason the relationship didn't work, and basically I'm the abusive one, and she is a poor victim.

I allowed myself to be toyed with. She was destroying my self esteem with every interaction I had with her. She was projecting all of her nastiness on me. I realize that No Contact is the only way to stop feeding the monster.

In the span of 48 hours it went from her saying that she wanted to have kids with me, to if I accidentally got her pregnant, she would have an abortion, to saying she doesn't want to have kids. She also said she never considered me to be her boyfriend.

I also believe that she needed me around so that she get all the attention possible to be seen as the poor victim. We work together, and she would do things like literally run to the washroom with fake tears after I had cordially spoken to her at the office. That's when I realized of what she is capable of.  I fear losing my job. She knows how important my career is to me. I have no doubt that she would have no qualms about getting me fired.

I've decided to keep my distance from her. I will no longer be used as an object to feed the drama and chaos she so desperately wants.   

[reincarnate93]

I too stuck around for the devaluation and mind games. I think the only reason I put up with such behavior is because she miscarried our baby. I was in a really dark place in my mind over this and felt I needed her even more than ever. and I had empathy for the way she must have been feeling because I was feeling the same way. I thought that somehow she would see how much I was willing to go through for her, nope. She cheated on me and made me out to be a bad person to everybody.

I don't understand and probably never will understand her mentality but it was definetly the most hurtful experience of my life.

8 months later I still haven't heard from her and she moved very far away to be with her new man. that's probably for the best, honestly. I could never trust her again no matter how much I care for her and love her.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY RAYBAN:

So sorry for what you are going through.

You may have dodged a bullet, by getting out now.  Considering what you have experienced, would you ever want her as your mom? 

I'm hoping you don't have any authority over your ex at work?

Is it possible in your work situation to put more distance between you and your ex?  If you think she may make up stories and try to damage your career, could you have a conversation with your manager?  It could be beneficial if you manager is aware of the situation.  That way, should she make false accusations, your manager will tend to be more neutral or not believe her.  Just tell your manager that you interest is to not bring any drama into the work place and to carry on in a professional manner.  Plan for the worst and hope for the best is my motto.

You are doing the right thing by being cordially in the work place.  Just be careful, document and keep a CYA file. 

Here is a link to an interesting technique to read about - Medium Chill

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

[Rayban]

HEY RAYBAN:

So sorry for what you are going through.

You may have dodged a bullet, by getting out now.  Considering what you have experienced, would you ever want her as your mom? 

I'm hoping you don't have any authority over your ex at work?

Is it possible in your work situation to put more distance between you and your ex?  If you think she may make up stories and try to damage your career, could you have a conversation with your manager?  It could be beneficial if you manager is aware of the situation.  That way, should she make false accusations, your manager will tend to be more neutral or not believe her.  Just tell your manager that you interest is to not bring any drama into the work place and to carry on in a professional manner.  Plan for the worst and hope for the best is my motto.

You are doing the right thing by being cordially in the work place.  Just be careful, document and keep a CYA file. 

Here is a link to an interesting technique to read about - Medium Chill

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

I spent my Sunday morning pondering this. One of the things that I valued most in her, is that she would often talk about having kids together . She knew, this is what I wanted. She would go as far as choosing the names.

She pushed the knife deeper. After I told her I think we should go no contact. (when I stupidly answered a call from her) We had a two hour phone conversation. I tried to explain why no contact would be beneficial to BOTH of us. She agreed on some points, but kept on putting 100% blame on me for our failed relationship. That same night she insisted on seeing me, so she came over to my place. She ended up spending the night  I began feeling that honeymoon stage feeling. I made love to her like never before.

Right after this, she said that she had been feeling pregnancy symptoms, and that she went out and bought a pregnancy test. This from the same woman who claimed to have an IUD, and she couldn't get pregnant for the next 4 years.  She waited for me to ask what the result was. For a brief second I thought about living a moment that would change my life. She just dismissively said it was obviously negative. I was silent for a moment, when she blurted that she didn't want children.

I jsut have to stop engaging her.