I'm trapped, I want to be free...

[purekalm]

Hey,

It's difficult to write this, because I don't want to put my vulnerable feelings or info out there for anyone to see... .

I'm trapped and I can't escape. I'm in a box and it took me a long time to realize it. I can't breathe, suffocating. It's dark, but I know there's light. I can't be me, that's what is in here. I want to be free, know I need to be free, but I'm trapped. No one sees me here. I'm being used however anyone likes, treated like I can do anything to "save" anyone because that's all I've done, but I'm dying... .Every time I speak up, try to leave here someone or some circumstance shoves me back in... .I'm crying, crying so hard and there's no one to hold me. I know that there's no one to save me, except me. But, I can't break free...

That's how I feel. I've done so much work, and some people here have called me strong, but I don't believe it. I can't get out of here. I can't get freedom for my son and me. That's all I want, is to be free of them. I don't want a perfect life, or even a normal one, just mine. One where I don't have to placate this or that person just to make it through the day or so they won't leave and possibly make my son homeless. One where I can choose to be me and not have somebody mad at me or telling me what I should do instead of whatever. One where I can make decisions for my son and not have someone constantly commenting on what they believe I should do. One where I can be myself and that's ok. I want my freedom. I'm almost 30, in a little over a month, and if I could have anything, it'd be freedom.

The logical answer is, just get free, right? But I can't. You don't understand the delicacies of my situation and how I've thought of every possible avenue to get out because you don't know how my mind works and how long I've wanted out. If I could be free now I wouldn't be writing this. I'm not asking for help, no one can do this for me. Maybe I'm just wasting space here, but I can't keep it in anymore.

I just... .I don't know. I'm not waiting on someone to come save me like I used to growing up. I know that there has to be a way I can get us out. I just don't know what that is. My son, having autism wouldn't make it in a shelter and they are all full anyways. Wait lists for months. Maybe since I've finally written it down I'll think of something new, who knows?

Thanks for letting me share.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[eeks]

Hi purekalm,

It can be difficult to express vulnerable feelings, especially when we have experienced others close to us invalidating or exploiting our feelings.  Yet, we have to share and trust others even a little in order to receive a caring response, so I'm glad you took the risk.

Every time I speak up, try to leave here someone or some circumstance shoves me back in... .I'm crying, crying so hard and there's no one to hold me. I know that there's no one to save me, except me. But, I can't break free...

I believe we all want someone to hold us - physical comfort is instinctual.   

I'm not sure what you mean by someone "saving you", but I do know that it is certainly possible to receive support, advocacy, empathy and encouragement from others.  Maybe you'll have to do it yourself, but you don't have to do it alone.

I get the sense from your recent posts that you are still living with your husband, is that correct?  Also, if I understand correctly, you want to leave, both for your own well-being and your son's, but there are challenges, and you are talking about two of them here. 

First, "someone or some circumstance keeps shoving you back in".  So there are some things right now that, at least as far as you can tell, you don't have a choice about.  However, you sound open to finding ways to get yourself and your son out, you just don't know how right now. 

Do you think it would be helpful to say more about exactly what those "someones" do, or what the circumstances are that cause you to be "shoved" back in, and then see if it's possible that you perceive you don't have a choice because some old trauma/fear programming kicks in, but together we might be able to discover some other choices you could make, to set boundaries and/or care for yourself, even if it is difficult and scary?

Second, you are concerned that a shelter is not an option for your son because he has autism, and you are concerned that leaving your partner will possibly result in your son being homeless.  The situation with the long waiting lists for shelters is really unfortunate.  I'm not familiar with the resources for people with autism - have you contacted advocacy organizations to find out if there are other resources that could provide care/assistance for your son, or even if they can't, to have someone to talk to who will understand what you are going through? 

Also, are you currently seeing a psychotherapist? It can be difficult to find a skilled one, and I know paying for it is an issue for a lot of people, but I think in-person supportive relationship like this could be beneficial to you.

Hugs,

eeks

[Meili]

Just checking on you.

[purekalm]

Hello eeks and Meili,

To be honest, I was kind of hoping no one would reply... .

Yes, he's still living with me as there is no choice financially at the moment.

To be honest, there isn't any of that going on. I'm well aware of what people do around here and how they are. There's only so much I can say without making daily life horrible for my son and me, it's already difficult enough. I've set as many boundaries as possible, but there's only so far I can go without incurring wrath. They think they're being fair and nice, but don't realize what they do. I love them, but it isn't easy. I mean, honestly I'm not anywhere near the best person either so I really don't have room to talk.

There's no other resources I haven't already looked into, and mostly they just give you numbers to local places. The majority of living type help is for adults of autism, the younger help is more for medical supplies and medical bills.

No, I'm not currently seeing any. One, there's no transportation. Two, I really don't want to see one again. I saw a counselor for two years and although she had some good advice she mainly harped on what I needed to do for myself and wanted me self focused all the time and it was annoying. Plus, I don't trust anyone, so it's not like I'd really get help anyways, I wouldn't tell them how I really felt and what I thought.

Like I mentioned earlier, I didn't mean to waste space. There isn't anything anyone can do. Sorry for troubling you.

What I meant by saving me is that's how I felt growing up. I wanted someone to save me. Now that I have grown up I realized there isn't anyone that's going to come in and save me, except me. I have to do all the work and find the way to be free.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[purekalm]

To no one in particular,

Well, I sure know the people around me. My mom just told me a couple hours ago that basically my husband has to get a job by next month or "you guys will be homeless and I'm sorry about that, but something has to change." I'm so freakin PISSED right now! How dare she? So, they struggle for a couple months because he's not working but when he is working and taking care of them they still find fault with him in some other area. No one is good enough for my dag on parents and I'm just so tired of it. And to top it off, my dad not paying all his side of the rent while my mom lets him get away with it is the VERY REASON why we're struggling as hard as we are. He almost got us evicted, but paying $200 more each every month is how we are still here and not homeless and they can't stand it because they don't have any money. I mean... .oh my freakin goodness I'm about to just blow my top. I can't take this anymore!

What am I supposed to do? It's at the end of the month? I can't trust in my husband and my parents are killing me. This is why I feel trapped. I have no financial way to escape either and I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to say or not say to tick someone off while trying to retain myself and boundaries and some semblance of sanity for me and my son.

I tried to talk to my husband about it and had to do it through electronic because there's no privacy and he's more interested in his STUPID FRIENDS and CLAN than trying to figure anything out! He gave me some lame reply he always does and I just wish I could flip out on everybody, I really do. Finally give them back the crap they've given me for so long. I have so much pent up rage that I've tried so hard to control. That's why I end up depressed anymore. There's no outlet, no freedom, so I have to repress it and try to deal with it and it inevitably turns to depression until I can work it out and builds right back up. Besides the fact that since I have history with children services, (even though nothing was my fault) I have to play nice so no one tries to take away the most important in my life. I hate this.

I FREAKIN HATE THIS! I HATE THE WAY MY LIFE IS AND I JUST WANNA BE FREE! Is that really too much to ask? Freedom? Some peace? Being able to live my life the way that I want to and raise my son in the way I think is best for him? I mean really, why is that so freakin hard to accomplish? What's wrong with me that I would let myself get in this kind of situation where I'm trapped and so is my son?

[purekalm]

(continued) 

My computer messed up and I couldn't type anymore.

Anyways, this all happened right after my dad walked by me going out the door and ran a finger over my shoulder and part of my back. I was sitting at the table putting some lego train together for my son. I shook it off and he actually walked back and kept doing it laughing and then said "I came back because I could tell it bothered you." That ticked me off even more and I kept shaking him off and then my son came over and did the same thing and I stopped moving and my dad got all ticked off and yelled that I must (expletive) really hate him and not want him to touch me. He proceeded to rant about everything as he finally went out the door and then my mom started with her crap. I'm like, what the heck?

I'm definitely calmer now, and I shouldn't have wasted space... .but how I really feel never gets told because I can't. There's too much at stake for my son. I can't keep living like this. I just can't.  :'(

Sincerely,

Purekalm

P.S. My dad has creeped me out for a long time. The fact that I look like my mom except I'm smarter and all that weird stuff he used to say, I DON'T like him touching me at all to be honest.

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

Yes it's the Board Parrot again.

Like I mentioned earlier, I didn't mean to waste space. There isn't anything anyone can do. Sorry for troubling you.

We have a lot of space here so don't worry about it  We might not be able to solve your problems but what we can do is listen to you.

To no one in particular,

That happens to be my middle name today so I'm gonna respond here!

I just wish I could flip out on everybody, I really do. Finally give them back the crap they've given me for so long. I have so much pent up rage that I've tried so hard to control. That's why I end up depressed anymore. There's no outlet, no freedom, so I have to repress it and try to deal with it and it inevitably turns to depression until I can work it out and builds right back up. Besides the fact that since I have history with children services, (even though nothing was my fault) I have to play nice so no one tries to take away the most important in my life. I hate this.

I understand your anger and frustration. Flipping out on everybody might feel good temporarily, but in the long run it might not be the most constructive option. It is clear that you find your current living situation with your disordered parents and disordered husband very difficult. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries can indeed be very hard when you are living in the same house as your disordered family-members. You want things to change, quite understandably. There is one communication technique in particular that could perhaps help you here, the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique. Even if you have looked at this technique before, I encourage you to take another look at it:

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

Guidelines for Objective Effectiveness: Getting What You Want

I FREAKIN HATE THIS! I HATE THE WAY MY LIFE IS AND I JUST WANNA BE FREE! Is that really too much to ask? Freedom? Some peace? Being able to live my life the way that I want to and raise my son in the way I think is best for him? I mean really, why is that so freakin hard to accomplish? What's wrong with me that I would let myself get in this kind of situation where I'm trapped and so is my son?

You were born into a family in which you were confronted with disordered parents from day one. That is not your fault and not something you could control. The young you did her best to survive that difficult situation. Unfortunately as with many children of disordered parents, being raised this way affected you in your adult life and likely contributed to you getting into a relationship with your now husband. Once we know better, we do better, but what's done is done. Perhaps there are certain things that you could have done better or differently, but that does not mean that there's something wrong with you. Making a mistake does not make you a mistake, it just makes you human since all humans make mistakes.

Anyways, this all happened right after my dad walked by me going out the door and ran a finger over my shoulder and part of my back. I was sitting at the table putting some lego train together for my son. I shook it off and he actually walked back and kept doing it laughing and then said "I came back because I could tell it bothered you."  

... .

P.S. My dad has creeped me out for a long time. The fact that I look like my mom except I'm smarter and all that weird stuff he used to say, I DON'T like him touching me at all to be honest.

Last year we discussed the concept of emotional or covert incest and I remember the posts you made back then very well. Your father clearly has a huge problem respecting your physical boundaries and also your mental and emotional boundaries. His behavior you describe here and in your posts last year, I deem highly inappropriate. The things you've posted before show that your dad also crosses the line of covert into overt abuse, like him repeatedly 'mistaking' you for your mother and trying to hug and kiss you. I think you are absolutely right to defend you physical boundaries here. It is your body so you get to decide who touches you or not and under what circumstances, you get to decide this and no one else.

How are you feeling today purekalm?

Kwamina The Board Parrot

[purekalm]

Hey Kwamina,

We have a lot of space here so don't worry about it  We might not be able to solve your problems but what we can do is listen to you.

I thank you for that, although I feel bad for ranting here. I apologize, it wasn't my intention to keep this post up. I was going to report it myself to see if I could get it taken down...

I understand your anger and frustration. Flipping out on everybody might feel good temporarily, but in the long run it might not be the most constructive option. It is clear that you find your current living situation with your disordered parents and disordered husband very difficult. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries can indeed be very hard when you are living in the same house as your disordered family-members. You want things to change, quite understandably. There is one communication technique in particular that could perhaps help you here, the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique. Even if you have looked at this technique before, I encourage you to take another look at it:

I made sure to take another look at it before I responded and the thing is I either have done it, or there's no point because I already know it will get me nowhere. It seems defeatist I know, but unfortunately it is true. There are only so many battles I can wage without my son suffering for them.

I know that flipping out doesn't help, I've done it before in the past when I was a lot younger and I only felt worse then, not better. I lost control of myself and yelled, so I was more mad at myself than I even was at them. I never wanted to be anything like them, you know?

It is VERY frustrating living here because I can't do the things I know need to be done. I'm told it's my house too, but every decision I make is met with a remark, look, sound or outright refusal. It's only my house so long as I do whatever they want. This is not my home, by a long shot. When I first started to make boundaries it was difficult, I knew full well the reaction I would get, and did get. It's not so hard anymore, but I have to watch what I do and say to a point because of the ramifications to my son's welfare.

You were born into a family in which you were confronted with disordered parents from day one. That is not your fault and not something you could control. The young you did her best to survive that difficult situation. Unfortunately as with many children of disordered parents, being raised this way affected you in your adult life and likely contributed to you getting into a relationship with your now husband. Once we know better, we do better, but what's done is done. Perhaps there are certain things that you could have done better or differently, but that does not mean that there's something wrong with you. Making a mistake does not make you a mistake, it just makes you human since all humans make mistakes.

Growing up I thought it was my fault and assumed the responsibility of it as well. Now I know, and I just want out.

I would say that it did affect who I chose, and I would also argue that if it were not for living with my parents that he probably would not have been so bad. He was floored quite often in the beginning at their actions and words. I know he has his own issues, but I think that my parents magnified them. That's how they are, because they can't and don't want to admit their own faults.

I know that I'm not a mistake and have learned to not identify like I used to. I mean, me and my siblings were told we were mistakes and they didn't plan for us. How much better their lives would've been if they didn't have us and so forth. I grew up thinking that way, but I don't believe it now. Thanks to my Lord who gave me worth just for existing, not for pleasing whatever whim. =) 

Last year we discussed the concept of emotional or covert incest and I remember the posts you made back then very well. Your father clearly has a huge problem respecting your physical boundaries and also your mental and emotional boundaries. His behavior you describe here and in your posts last year, I deem highly inappropriate. The things you've posted before show that your dad also crosses the line of covert into overt abuse, like him repeatedly 'mistaking' you for your mother and trying to hug and kiss you. I think you are absolutely right to defend you physical boundaries here. It is your body so you get to decide who touches you or not and under what circumstances, you get to decide this and no one else.

Yes, he's always been that way with me and I've never liked it. He always used to make sure to say out loud that he made my mom always give us girls a bath since we were little because he never wanted to be accused of something like that. To me, that statement alone is fishy. Why would you worry about it unless there was some type of thought process or actions you're keeping yourself from or have already done to someone else?

[purekalm]

(continued)

I believe his actions are highly inappropriate myself, that's why I do stick up for myself in the best way I can. He really creeps me out because of all the stuff he's said to me and tried to do assuming I was my mom. Honestly, even my husband has mixed us up from the back, but he would start talking to me (my mom) and realize it wasn't me pretty quickly. That reason alone gave me pause to know that my dad did it intentionally, so I've tried to keep my distance from him as much as possible through the years and can never let my guard down. I don't think he would try anything, but I still don't like to be touched by him at all and he doesn't get or respect that.   

How are you feeling today purekalm?

Today, I'm pretty much like usual. Keeping my distance. Not that I have to try as both my parents have been cold and distant to me since the other day. Going so far as to ignore me even when I'm right in front of them or act normal and cheerful like nothing has happened depending on their mood.

I spent some time in prayer and decided to move out with my husband, even if it ends up only being temporary. I talked a tad about it to him yesterday and of course he's on board because he wants out too. I don't trust him, we have a lot of baggage, but between him and my parents, I choose him any day. It may not work out, but by that time I hope to be able to think a bit straighter being away from them and have a plan in order to take care of my son. We're supposed to leave the house to talk about it at some point tomorrow as long as it isn't too hot to get my son out. Can't talk here, too many ears.

The only thing I'm confident in is the Lord, the rest is all a jumble I'm trying to piece together. I just pray that I'm making the best choice I can for my son. My husband knows we're more like friends than anything at the moment and I've said as much, so right now I'm focusing on getting away and pray that I can work the rest of it out. =)

Thank you for responding to me Kwamina, I know I'm annoying.   

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

I thank you for that, although I feel bad for ranting here. I apologize, it wasn't my intention to keep this post up. I was going to report it myself to see if I could get it taken down.

Again I have to say don't worry about it. What happens on bpdfamily, stays on bpdfamily!

I never wanted to be anything like them, you know?q

And you aren't like them, the work you are doing here shows me that you are different

Thanks to my Lord who gave me worth just for existing, not for pleasing whatever whim. =)

Indeed purekalm, you have worth just by your very existence. You do not even have to do anything for it, just by being you, just by being here, you already have worth What people say about you does not determine your worth at all. In fact, what other people say most likely is just a reflection of their own inner turmoil and negativity. (this of course doe not apply to the words of the Board Parrot )

I don't think he would try anything, but I still don't like to be touched by him at all and he doesn't get or respect that.  

It's very unpleasant that your dad behaves the way he does and seems unwilling or unable to understand how inappropriate his behavior is. It is very important though that you are able to see his behavior for what it is and take the necessary steps to protect yourself. Your dad might not like it, but your boundaries are not about pleasing him any way, they are primarily for your protection so you can feel safe.

I spent some time in prayer and decided to move out with my husband, even if it ends up only being temporary. I talked a tad about it to him yesterday and of course he's on board because he wants out too. I don't trust him, we have a lot of baggage, but between him and my parents, I choose him any day. It may not work out, but by that time I hope to be able to think a bit straighter being away from them and have a plan in order to take care of my son. We're supposed to leave the house to talk about it at some point tomorrow as long as it isn't too hot to get my son out. Can't talk here, too many ears.

The only thing I'm confident in is the Lord, the rest is all a jumble I'm trying to piece together. I just pray that I'm making the best choice I can for my son. My husband knows we're more like friends than anything at the moment and I've said as much, so right now I'm focusing on getting away and pray that I can work the rest of it out. =)

Breaking it down into smaller more manageable steps sounds like a very good strategy You might not be able to change everything all at once, but all the little changes you can make will add up to a significant change. You moving out with your son and husband would already be a very significant change, not having to deal with your parents anymore on a daily basis will hopefully give you the opportunity to recharge your batteries. Were you able to have that talk about your plans to move out?

Take care

[purekalm]

Hello again Kwamina,

And you aren't like them, the work you are doing here shows me that you are different

That is true, I want help and to be a better person. I don't want to stay trapped in my own issues.

Indeed purekalm, you have worth just by your very existence. You do not even have to do anything for it, just by being you, just by being here, you already have worth What people say about you does not determine your worth at all. In fact, what other people say most likely is just a reflection of their own inner turmoil and negativity. (this of course doe not apply to the words of the Board Parrot )

Of course not.      I used to really struggle with this. At times I still do. I was so used to knowing what my worth was based on what others thought of me. It's exhausting and irritating when you can never be good enough for anyone. I'm forever indebted to the Lord for his love for me. 

Your dad might not like it, but your boundaries are not about pleasing him any way, they are primarily for your protection so you can feel safe.

Anything done without his consent is seen as a personal attack, no matter what. I do what I can and hopefully things will improve sooner than later.

Breaking it down into smaller more manageable steps sounds like a very good strategy You might not be able to change everything all at once, but all the little changes you can make will add up to a significant change. You moving out with your son and husband would already be a very significant change, not having to deal with your parents anymore on a daily basis will hopefully give you the opportunity to recharge your batteries. Were you able to have that talk about your plans to move out?

I agree, that's what got me thinking about it. I won't be able to break free of it all right away, barring some kind of miracle that is. So, small steps is where I'm at and what I plan on doing.

Unfortunately we haven't yet because of one thing or another. It's not the best situation around here right now and basic necessities keep running out because of our financial issues, but hopefully soon we can try to figure this out. He's not the best talker either and easily upset/angered, so not an easy task, but doable.

Thanks for responding.

Sincerely,

Purekalm