Staying NC is the hardest thing I've Ever Done

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Thank you DazedD40,

Yes it sure is a roller coaster of emotions.  The temptation to go back for another round, just to have a temporary reprieve from the pain, is one of the hardest thoughts to fight, especially in the middle of the night, when you feel so alone and just needing their arms holding you.

But, for that small amount of comfort, the aftermath wouldn't be worth it. 

I could go back, but if I did then I've shown him, I have absolutely no respect for myself, therefore allowing him to treat me even worse than he has been.  I would also lose any little bit of confidence I have gained from going NC.  I have always been sucked back in when he reaches out to me.  This time, the longer I can go without any contact from him, the stronger I am getting, even though I don't feel very strong at this moment and I crave him.

Another day has just begun, I'm actually glad to be going to work.  It gives my mind a little break from such confusion.

Stay strong DazedD40 and big hugs for you.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you DazedD40,

Yes it sure is a roller coaster of emotions.  The temptation to go back for another round, just to have a temporary reprieve from the pain, is one of the hardest thoughts to fight, especially in the middle of the night, when you feel so alone and just needing their arms holding you.

But, for that small amount of comfort, the aftermath wouldn't be worth it. 

I could go back, but if I did then I've shown him, I have absolutely no respect for myself, therefore allowing him to treat me even worse than he has been.  I would also lose any little bit of confidence I have gained from going NC.  I have always been sucked back in when he reaches out to me.  This time, the longer I can go without any contact from him, the stronger I am getting, even though I don't feel very strong at this moment and I crave him.

Another day has just begun, I'm actually glad to be going to work.  It gives my mind a little break from such confusion.

Stay strong DazedD40 and big hugs for you.

[DazedD40]

Routine is good and I find work a welcome relief away from thoughts and feelings of her, although my day is still a struggle at times. I'm trying to fill the voids of time as well by talking to friends, playing football and trying to eat right, again this is a struggle however, I personally think that if I can get in a groove I'll find some comfort in there somewhere. I still acknowledge the feelings as I don't wish to run from them but each day I find I'm growing ever so slightly, the thoughts are quietening down and I have brief moments where I catch myself not thinking of her. Music is a great help too, sometimes sad songs, helps with the feelings in allowing the pain and tears out and then some upbeat dance tunes where I dance away on my own. I find this helps with the physical tension in allowing it to flow out positively.

I'm just trying to do my best and I think that's all any of us can do. What's the alternative?

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks for responding DazedD40,

You sound a lot more positive today and that gives me hope that I will feel the same way too.

I agree about the music.  It is very healing listening to both sad and happy songs.  I find I can release a lot of feelings to music. 

I was listening to a really sad song driving home from work tonight, which I needed to hear, it allowed me to let tears fall out of my eyes, then the next song that came up was the total opposite.  Such an upbeat happy song, where I felt more like the old me, happy and it really helped.

My thoughts go up and down, they are quiet at times and then when they rear up, they are painful.  I wish it wasn't always in the middle of the night.  I really need my sleep.  I hope, I will eventually not long for him.

I am writing a journal to myself.  I need to keep reminding myself that we have/had no future together.  What I want and need in a relationship, examples: trust, honesty, reliability and empathy, will never happen if I stay with him.  He can't give me any of that. 

Every-time I have bought up his shady behavior, he projects all those qualities that I want, that he is lacking, back onto me, implying I am not trustworthy.  This has always made me try even harder to prove to him that I am a good person. 

What a bad place to be, trying to prove and show him how much I love him and no matter how hard I try, he never feels good enough. 

And because he doesn't feel good enough and he has repeatedly said he doesn't feel worthy of me, he isn't willing to make the effort to seek change.  It's like, this is who I am, I can't be any more. 

[DazedD40]

We are so in the same place when ity comes to our repective ex's. Its uncanny the identification i am getting through reading your posts.

I denied myself listening to certain songs due to how much i knew the lyrics would hurt me but now i see listening to them as part of my own healing. Through the chores of daily life, work, kids etc i kinda find that ive pushed things to the back of my mind only for them to come out later in the day so music is a good way for me to release both sad and happy thoughts. Theres so much power in music that i swear blind its one of the best tonics.

I do have my moments though, like lunchtime today, i slipped and found myself sitting there on a bench outside, thinking of her, wondering if shes thinking of me, missing me and then that sadness engullfed me whilst i sat there. I stupidly made the mistake of a stupid facebook stalk, my first in days so feel ive let myself down and almost set myself up a little. Im back in the office now but just a small thought of her can still impact heavily plus i saw her briefly this morning as we drove past one another so i think that has heightened my anxiety and thoughts ever so slightly. I really didnt want to come back in to the office and would much preferred to go home, fall on the sofa and cry my heart out but hey ho here i am getting on with it. I think to myself, she no longer cares for me so why should i allow her the head space to impact on my day.

Its not easy and i want to run away from doing the right things in favour of wollowing in my pool of self pity, slowly crippling myself up with the heartbreak but hey im not allowing her to do that to me, well at least not today im not.

Listen, always here if you need a chat so pm me if ever you need

[kc sunshine]

I'm in the same boat too!

I'm on day 6 of NC and it is really starting to sink in. I've been good about not texting or calling her, but Facebook has been my downfall. I like what you say DazedD40 about checking facebook being an exercise is setting myself. I guess what I am setting myself up for is pain, whatever part of me is drawn to that pain of rejection or whatever it is .

[DazedD40]

I'm in the same boat too!

I'm on day 6 of NC and it is really starting to sink in. I've been good about not texting or calling her, but Facebook has been my downfall. I like what you say DazedD40 about checking facebook being an exercise is setting myself. I guess what I am setting myself up for is pain, whatever part of me is drawn to that pain of rejection or whatever it is .

Ive speant 4 years continuously setting myself up with my ex so im guessing thats going to take time to unprogramme myself from. What is it that draws us in to the pain? Shes gone, in no contact, on to the new supply yet im still finding ways to allow her to hurt me all by myself. I know rome wasnt built in a day but this is the biggest baffler for me.

We are on the same day of no contact. Day 6, feels like day 600! I was so used to speaking to her everyday for 4 years it feels so starnage no longer having that with her anymore.

[DreamerGirl]

He texted me today... said "not that it matters, I miss u".

I was at work,  I didn't expect to see his name on my phone.  My instant reaction was shock and I felt weak, just seeing his name come up.

It has really thrown me. 

I am almost feeling desperate, like a drug addict, I need my fix of him.  I have an opening here.  I don't know, will I go back down the path i always have. It has been almost three weeks of totally no physical contact and I'm really craving him.

I feel torn right now.

[seenr]

A few years back, I got one of these texts. I was just back from the local pub, had a few beers in & my phone beeped: 'I miss you, every minute of every day'. It was from a number I didn't recognise and I had an inkling as to who it was. She had met some of my friends out and missed me.

They do tear you don't they?

Part of me would love to hear from her now. Her wit, charm, to hold her, be with the family. But then I think of the rage, false accusations, me being the root of all her problems and the physical attacks which got worse over time and I know I don't want to go back to that.

We can't ask others to change & it is impossible to have Jeckyll without Hyde. It is sad that when we love someone like that, even knowing they are toxic and not good for us, we still want them so badly.

He texted me today... said "not that it matters, I miss u".

I was at work,  I didn't expect to see his name on my phone.  My instant reaction was shock and I felt weak, just seeing his name come up.

It has really thrown me. 

I am almost feeling desperate, like a drug addict, I need my fix of him.  I have an opening here.  I don't know, will I go back down the path i always have. It has been almost three weeks of totally no physical contact and I'm really craving him.

I feel torn right now.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you seenr,

It has killed me, crushed me.

The last three weeks have flown out the window.

All the tiny steps I thought I had taken, have gone.  He holds my heart.

I feel weak, any confidence I felt is gone, I texted him back, I gave him excacly what he needed.  To know he has treated me the worst but here i still am... .waiting. Like a drug addict needing their next fix, that is me   I feel low right now, but I still need him.

 

[Penelope35]

I am osculating from hour to hour, whether to unblock his number.

This really started last night.  I am craving hearing from him, anything just to hear from him would bring the relief I so crave, and the part of me that wants and needs to hear he misses and loves me.

I nearly unblocked his number last night, with the hope that maybe I would get a text or call, but I somehow decided to sleep on it and wait another day.

This was 24 hours ago and I have this craving again, it's really bad, I want to hear from him.  I won't text or call him, but I want to hear from him.

I also feel bad, I know he would have reached out by now, I know his pattern too well, and I feel sad that he has called and texted me and received no response.  He doesn't know that I have him blocked.  I can't see any messages and will never see them. 

I just feel weak today and broken without him.

I may even unblock his number tonight, I don't know. 

This has taken a lot of courage for me to do this, I don't want to undo it, I don't want to go back to the pain that will eventually come again... .I just miss him and miss the affection and love he gave me. I feel really torn at the moment. 

No contact now for 13 days, the longest ever.  I feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey.  I need to stay strong.

One of the reasons I am convinced that my ex has BPD is because of the way we all feel after the break up or during the silent treatments... .This is exactly how I feel right now... .EXACTLY. I am craving hearing from him, anything just to hear from him would bring the relief I so crave, and the part of me that wants and needs to hear he misses and loves me.



We broke up for the last time in December. Went no contact so many times but he always reaches out to tell me he misses me or is thinking about me. I broke down and replied so many times and it ALWAYS got me to a worse place. We all know we won't be happy with them, but yet the craving/the need for a fix, is so strong. Last time I talked to him was two months ago. I got more broken. He has since then sent 4-5 messages to tell me he misses me but I try to stay strong cause I know he can't be my person. He has hurt me like no one else has. Last time he reached out was three weeks ago. I still feel guilty for not responding and right now I want to talk to him more than anything. But I shouldn't. He has broken me down in millions of pieces so many times. I can't let this go on forever. I shouldn't. You shouldn't. 

[seenr]

Having read this thread start to finish, I wonder is DazeD40 living in a parallel universe as almost word for word everything he has written is how I feel. The only difference is I dont know how to use Facebook.

But some really good material discussed in this thread. Glad to have found this community.

[DreamerGirl]

I can't imagine surviving this without the support from all the wonderful people on this board.  I have come here, so many time during the last four years, and I never feel judged, just supported and understood. 

I have taken a sip of the poison, a big one.  Well, that's how I feel because I know where this is going to go, again. I feel down on myself at this stage. I know I have just taken on another round with him in the boxing ring, which I also, logically know, will end exactly the same way as all the other times.  But my dream of making it work and for us to be happy still has some power over me.  This really is a huge process, not a quick and easy exit, when they still have you in their minds.  He is not quite ready to let me go. 

I think the biggest favor they can do for us, is to discard us totally.  I know how incredibly painful that is, we are in deep pain, but we then at least have a chance of escape.  Maybe I'm not at the end yet, I think I'm close though. I was wanting, but dreading, him contacting me.  I knew if he didn't, I would be free, even though I was so sad, I had hope of eventually finding someone who will treat me with love and respect.  Pity I don't treat myself that way.  That's something I need to think about, why I don't?

[seenr]

Hi Dreamer Girl

I am exploring the same thing in counselling. Why not love ablnd respect myself and put myself first. My Counsellor thinks the problem is that I grew up seeing two parents row from when I was 3 to 17. It got so bad one night when I was 15 that I considered telling a teacher. I didn't though.

Perhaps the chaos of my parents relationship meant I ended up in a relationship with the same chaos. I saw a cycle with my parents of row, silence, make up, happiness, holding our breath, back to row.

I might have thought that this was normal. I might have got used to rows with my ex where I would try harder afterwards to make it work. By trying harder we expose ourselves to the potential of more hurt. I look back on our relationship in 2009 and the problems we had. I worked On each of them and as the old ones were solved, new ones cropped up. As the new ones were solved the old ones were brought back again... .

[gotbushels]

 

I have taken a sip of the poison, a big one. 

I relate. Sometimes I hear people say, "Well stop letting it bite you." Easier said than done sometimes. The venom is already in there. So if the cup is still on the table--try get the venom out of your body first--if you feel some kind of push to sip more.

Well, that's how I feel because I know where this is going to go, again. I feel down on myself at this stage. I know I have just taken on another round with him in the boxing ring, which I also, logically know, will end exactly the same way as all the other times. 

It helped me to recognise what you're recognising here. You logically know it will end the same way. That can be a tiny step forward though it doesn't feel like it. Take heart DreamerGirl!

I think the biggest favor they can do for us, is to discard us totally. 

It's interesting how you seem to automatically assume the control of your dreams and his power over you is in his hands.

I am osculating from hour to hour, whether to unblock his number.

Curious choice of words DreamerGirl--something on your mind?   

[DreamerGirl]

Hi seenr,

I am totally understanding of where you are coming from.  I know this plays a role in the dynamics of my situation.

I also grew up in a dysfunctional home.  Love to me, equaled emotional pain.  The only time I ever truly felt loved was after my BPD Mother came out of a silent treatment and hugged me, this was was because I begged for her to talk to me, and I broke down and she could see I was sorry.  This sometimes took weeks, but I craved it and needed it. I needed my mother to love me.  We would be on a honeymoon period thereafter, until the next incident, which could be days or weeks but I craved that love from her.  I keep reliving this pain/love.  I can see this is what I'm doing, but I honestly don't know if I can change it.  I keep trying to please him, I want him to love me and see that I love him.  This work needs to be about us, that's what I'm seeing her.

[seenr]

I’ve thought about it more and now realise the cycle at home affected me. I’m immensely prone to a female crying. I explored this with the counsellor. I have been putty in the hands of at least three exes as soon as they turn on the waterworks. That is because usually when my Mum cried, it was at the end of a terrible row and she was at breaking point. By that stage, we knew the end of the row was close. I’m also someone who used periods of silent treatment and reaction to provocation & bad behaviour by fighting fire with fire. That comes from My Dad. Often I saw him in rows taking severe provocation from my Mum, then exploding. I’ve done some things like that in my recent relationship, but I have changed that & even after changing that, my ex kept going until she got a reaction. I suspect this is down to her not doing enough work on her side and her imagination becoming a reality, a fear, a reason to attack and lash out.

I have told my ex over & over again that I love her. She doesn’t believe me.  She would mention that actions speak louder than words. I agree. But for now, all I can do is accept that she doesn’t believe me, detach from her totally and work on me. I have done a vast amount of work from 2009 to now without realising it. The problem has been focusing 100% on her and not on me. I need to finish the job now. I’ve had this idea that our son should grow up with both of us in the house. Now I realise that as a unit we were not making his or his sister’s life healthy and I intend to keep going until I feel good about myself. Then, what happens will happen.

As much as I hate the thoughts of her with another man, I am trying to let that go. For me, I want to feel ready to meet the right person no matter who she is, when the time is right. I have no idea what she will look like, where she will be from etc. But I need to heal wounds that were there long before my BPDex came along, in order to make myself the kind of person I like, so that maybe someone else will like too.

Hi seenr, I am totally understanding of where you are coming from.  I know this plays a role in the dynamics of my situation.

I also grew up in a dysfunctional home.  Love to me, equaled emotional pain.  The only time I ever truly felt loved was after my BPD Mother came out of a silent treatment and hugged me, this was was because I begged for her to talk to me, and I broke down and she could see I was sorry.  This sometimes took weeks, but I craved it and needed it. I needed my mother to love me.  We would be on a honeymoon period thereafter, until the next incident, which could be days or weeks but I craved that love from her.  I keep reliving this pain/love.  I can see this is what I'm doing, but I honestly don't know if I can change it.  I keep trying to please him, I want him to love me and see that I love him.  This work needs to be about us, that's what I'm seeing her.