Good on you for trying! You are standing up for yourself and for your daughter.
I'm going to give some advice, but before we get too deep. You need to state your goals.
If goal is that he never lives with us again, that is a totally different path from being open for him to live with you again, if he gets in therapy and improves himself.
No judgement about either decision. It is yours to make. It would seem there is no option for complete NC due to daughter.
Listen... .I'm on your side. So if I point out a better way... .it is for your benefit!
I asked him to sign an agreement that said he allowed me exclusive use of the house and gave me sole custody of 16D. This was my understanding of what we have agreed to, but making it legally enforceable. He, as I thought he might, raged. I was hoping the legal protection of not losing his financial rights to the house would help. Nope.
Did he sign the agreement? Have you shown a lawyer? Do you have a lawyer on retainer? BPDwise my guess is there was some abandonment fear going on here as the source of the rage.
So, he's not respecting the limits I set. At the same time, he's raging against the limits I set. He sent me emails and calls asking to meet face to face to talk about the agreement and other things. When I didn't respond for several hours (we had agreed to 2 days), he threatened he was coming back to our house if I didn't contact him. I called him and realize couldn't get much words in but I think I invalidated (defended).
I like boundaries as a word better than limits. You DO NOT get to limit his activity... .whatsoever. You DO get to enforce YOUR boundaries. He gets zero say in that. Do you see the nuance or the way of thinking?
He doesn't respect the "limits" or "boundaries"
because you don't It appears you set a limit, he pushed against it and when he threatened... .you "lowered" your boundary or limit. So, in his mind, "she doesn't really mean it."
Think about that.
Only set boundaries you are willing to enforce.He asked me not to contact him and I said fine and hung up. He then sent another email to meet him face to face or he's moving back home to work in our marriage and sending him the agreement really crossed the line and we're done. (Ugh the illogic is so frustrating.) Sorry for the long post, but here's the point:
He feels controlled and wants to control you. Now see how he is the one setting the rules... .boundaries... .limits?
Set your boundaries... .and hold them. Yes you can change them, but do so because you want to, because it is wise, not because of threats.
Try this for threats.
"(insert name), I'm not able to continue this conversation while there are threats between us. I'll reach out to you tomorrow at 6pm. I hope there will be less tension between us then"
(no blaming... .it's about you... .and it acknowledges there is a threat and states your value that you won't continue while there is a threat)
So there should be consequences.
You are not the "hander outer" of consequences. If he chooses to experience a consequence by smashing himself into a boundary, that is his choice. You job is to set and hold healthy boundaries.
But I'd also like to keep 16D and I in the house and him at his dad's. More so though I want to deescalate because I'm afraid, so I'm willing to move out with 16D and the dogs and let him live at home. But, will that deescalate anything? He wants to go back to how it was. I can't do that yet and maybe never. Any advice on how to handle this? Enforcing limits vs. deescalation and what will deescalate if we're in such disagreement over limits. Seems an unending circle. Thanks in advance.
Here is where boundaries get tricky.
He gets to move in if he wants to. You BOTH own it. You may "request" that he do something else.
I suggest that you set up therapy so you have someone to "manage" a therapeutic separation. It's not something for you to try and manage on your own.
You DO get to decide (100%) if you will live with him. You need to speak with a lawyer and decide if there is enough for a separation or restraining order. That would force him out... .or keep him out.
or
You get to move out.
Last thought: "(insert name), my desire is to be part of a process that rebuilds trust in our marriage. Threats tear apart trust. I have an appointment with a family therapist on (insert date and time). I hope you can join me in working on rebuilding trust in our family. "
The important thing is that you go and start the work. Leave the door open for him to come. (that is your choice) He gets to choose to walk through the door or not.
FF