Differences between a BPD breakup and a normal one

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, the great guy I met after my exbfwuBPD and I broke up got a job offer that caused him to consider moving and other life changes in a way that forced commitment conversations sooner than would have been best. (We've been together 5 months). I think a break up is 75 percent likely, and our conversations are spiraling in a bad direction. We are just on very different pages, and as often happens, the female (me) is becoming more emotional in text and other communications (I'm sure he would say hysterical), as he becomes colder as he pulls away. Painful, but normal. (Yes, I'm aware that mirroring his coldness might be more likely to "save" the relationship, but the relationship that would result from that isn't one Id want. His response to my emotional response to how he was dealing with the life change signals a potential incompatibility in communication styles / emotional needs.  If this is how he is going to be, I don't think this is a relationship I want.  Escallating emotionally gives him a last chance to engage, and if he chooses not to, we're not right for each other.)

Anyway, as much as it hurts, it all makes sense. Nothing made sense with my ex wBPD. The splits came at times that we still seemed "right" except for the fallout from the totally illogical rages. We were in love, and it was all good except for when he was completely disregulated emotionally. So, the breakups felt "wrong" in addition to being sad and everything else a breakup is.

[Ab123]

So, the great guy I met after my exbfwuBPD and I broke up got a job offer that caused him to consider moving and other life changes in a way that forced commitment conversations sooner than would have been best. (We've been together 5 months). I think a break up is 75 percent likely, and our conversations are spiraling in a bad direction. We are just on very different pages, and as often happens, the female (me) is becoming more emotional in text and other communications (I'm sure he would say hysterical), as he becomes colder as he pulls away. Painful, but normal. (Yes, I'm aware that mirroring his coldness might be more likely to "save" the relationship, but the relationship that would result from that isn't one Id want. His response to my emotional response to how he was dealing with the life change signals a potential incompatibility in communication styles / emotional needs.  If this is how he is going to be, I don't think this is a relationship I want.  Escallating emotionally gives him a last chance to engage, and if he chooses not to, we're not right for each other.)

Anyway, as much as it hurts, it all makes sense. Nothing made sense with my ex wBPD. The splits came at times that we still seemed "right" except for the fallout from the totally illogical rages. We were in love, and it was all good except for when he was completely disregulated emotionally. So, the breakups felt "wrong" in addition to being sad and everything else a breakup is.

[Wood stock]

Excellent point! Logical breakup versus a "silly" breakup... .that makes perfect sense to me. Helps me wrap my brain around it all a little better.

However, after three years and dozens of recycles with my BPDbf, THIS time feels very different. His  behaviors and gas lighting and projection onto me just got to be so blantently wrong and illogical that I finally realized that there was nothing "right" about this relationship anymore. And THAT must be the reason I am detaching differently this time. And in a healthy, realistic way. That detachment and peaceful feeling that I have this time around... .that is what I hope for everyone on this board.

Thanks for the insight Ab123... .hugs to all of you.   

[Ab123]

When breaking up with my BPD ex, I thought it wasn't like other breakups. But, I also thought perhaps I was remembering incorrectly. Now that I'm going through this (likely) breakup, it confirms so much of what was wrong with the situation with my ex, and why it was (is) so hard to heal from.

Don't get me wrong. Breakups always suck, and it hurts terribly. Detaching is still hard, but I understand what is happening and I can easily see the way through. There's no need for frantic internet searches decoding bizzare behavior, for example.

That wasn't the case with my exbfwuBPD. So, for all of you going through it, remember that it isn't normal, which means you ARE normal for being confused and for struggling.

[GreenEyedMonster]

The last breakup I went through with a non-BPD was also a completely different event, one with plenty of warning signs of incompatibility leading up to it.  It was a true personality clash, not a result of paranoia or strange assumptions. 

The man I was dating had a very crude sense of humor and swore a lot, even in front of my family.  I invited him to a family barbecue party and asked him to please watch his language and sense of humor.  He said, "If you don't like my sense of humor, you don't like me," and said that he wasn't going to change.  Well, that made things pretty clear.  That's plain old, typical incompatibility.  We still keep up light contact on Facebook, but it's pretty clear there's no future there.