Now i understand

[Depression = 72% of members]

Bpd are like drug users: They are always searching for that high. And their drug of choice? Love. They search for a baggie of drugs (attatchment) and smoke it till they think ita all gone. The high is wearing off and their inner pain starts to show so they buy another baggie and inhalf that drug to relieve themselves... .of themselves... .and that is why do many are actually drug abusers. It acts as a substitute for that high to heal the pain... .I was never loved... .she just needed what I have to her and when I would withdraw it so would she... .to someone else... .also their inner pain can be seen as heavy aithdrawal

[SoMadSoSad]

Bpd are like drug users: They are always searching for that high. And their drug of choice? Love. They search for a baggie of drugs (attatchment) and smoke it till they think ita all gone. The high is wearing off and their inner pain starts to show so they buy another baggie and inhalf that drug to relieve themselves... .of themselves... .and that is why do many are actually drug abusers. It acts as a substitute for that high to heal the pain... .I was never loved... .she just needed what I have to her and when I would withdraw it so would she... .to someone else... .also their inner pain can be seen as heavy aithdrawal

[NewTring]

I think the intensity of  BPD can vary to each person.  I think mine was in love with me, otherwise why would she cry?  I think of it this way.  One can be in love, have the feeling of love.  However, a relationship also requires maturity to be accountable and responsible.  Falling in love is for kids.  Maturity means you're an adult.

[SoMadSoSad]

Love is mature. Bpd love is infatuation.  We give them love and they give us infatuation. And I guess you can say infatuation is the drug of choice for some of us.

[pjstock42]

Your analogy makes sense and I agree but I also feel like I was the one on drugs during that whole relationship.

My drug was her approval & validation / affection etc. The last 3 weeks following the sudden and abrupt discard out of nowhere has definitely left me feeling like an opiate junkie who had to go cold turkey.

[Meili]

We can never really know what our pwBPD thought or felt. Applying our own standards to their actions does an injustice to all involved. We can no more decide what is right for them than they can for us.

Whether or not the pwBPD feels love or it is infatuation really isn't important. Nor is it important whether or not there is an addiction/addictive affect for them. What is important is that to many nons, an addiction is formed. We get addicted to the biochemical responses that arise from our relationships with pwBPD.

It is our addiction that must be addressed for we have no more control over a pwBPD's action than we do a drug addict who is determined to use. We must look at why we choose to continue to "use" and perpetuate our own addictive cycle.

[SoMadSoSad]

Figuring these things out was actually very important and factual for me and that is why I share it. It helps me depersonalize and realise that I am not grieving her but I am going through withdrawal from her "love". I feel we shared that special bond because she put me on her rolllercoaster having me experience her highs and then her loss leaving me craving to get back that high when she left. I know these things have been taught and stated many times in the forums befire but I never connected because there are some conflicting ideas going around here. Seeing it this way helped me connect to the right answer.

[StayStrongNow]

Meili, thank you for your post. You have eloquently and accurately described my issue to pefection.

I really like this place!

[bunny4523]

Love is mature. Bpd love is infatuation.  We give them love and they give us infatuation. And I guess you can say infatuation is the drug of choice for some of us.

Very simply put and feels very true in my case.  Love is more long term and comes with a backed up committment.  Infatuation, not so much.

[bunny4523]

We can never really know what our pwBPD thought or felt. Applying our own standards to their actions does an injustice to all involved. We can no more decide what is right for them than they can for us.

Whether or not the pwBPD feels love or it is infatuation really isn't important. Nor is it important whether or not there is an addiction/addictive affect for them. What is important is that to many nons, an addiction is formed. We get addicted to the biochemical responses that arise from our relationships with pwBPD.

It is our addiction that must be addressed for we have no more control over a pwBPD's action than we do a drug addict who is determined to use. We must look at why we choose to continue to "use" and perpetuate our own addictive cycle.

I have noticed this on alot of threads so I'm glad you are addressing it.  I myself never got "addicted". I had been in dysfunctional relationships before and I wasn't going to go back into something like that.  Once I could feel and see the severity of the dysfunction, I just got out.  I guess I was lucky that way.  I had the same demons you speak of though in earlier relationships so I completely understand the concept.  Feels really good to have a "no tolerance" policy in full force now. 

Bunny

[VitaminC]

I have a close friend who is in a relationship with an ex-heroin user.  There were many parallels in our experiences of our partners - the pwBPD is similar to someone who has been addicted to a powerful drug in their need to escape their own reality. That's what I inevitably thought whenever we would do our co-counseling sessions, as we called them.

At some point, I realised that I too was "addicted" to my pwBPD in some way. Then both my friend and her partner shared techniques on how to break an addiction.   

Yes, many parallels all over the place.   Cold turkey and withdrawal are one thing, but the digging out of the reasons - phew, big job.   Doable though.