snapped at s9 tonignt

[bus boy]

I work hard on detaching but tonight after baseball I snapped at s9. It's hard to go to events and see the glow on my ex  wife's face when she looks at her bf. She really is a different woman. In public she never wanted me seen as a part of s9 life. She wanted me being a ghost in s9 life but she makes sure her bf is a very visible part of s9 life, like I'm a dead beat dad. On the way home tonight, this is my access night, I started to put the passenger window up, s9 had his arm out the window, he gave me a look that gave me a flash back of his mother's dirt. I apologized but he looked at me with that look and said nothing, I said I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was putting the window up, it was a mistake but he still didn't acknowledge me. I got mad at him and told him to acknowledge when someone speaks to you and apologizes for a mistake. I told him I've lived wit to much of someone making me feel bad about making a mistake. Maybe seeing her tonight was to much and I took it out on s9. It's hard to cope with facing the facts that nothing I ever did could make her give me that look, that look a woman gives a man when she loves him. I was split black so fast in our r/s every part of me discussed her, she loathed me so much. Now she's a woman I don't even know.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

I agree detaching is not easy. There's no recipe book for it, we have stages but we all go through it our own  way. Parenting can hard when we're grieving the loss of a r/s, you feel remorse, don't be hard on yourself. I felt bad when ny D7 wanted me to go to an annual family BBQ and my exuBPDw had invited me along with her boyfriend. I regret telling my D9 that we're not a family anymore and she burst into tears. I didn't handle that well but I'm only human.

Its hard seeing our exes have that glow permeate from their faces when we're knee deep in pain. A pwBPD want that idealization , I recall my ex say that she told her T that she felt amazing. That was hard to hear. Fast toward three years and I'm in the best shape mentally and physically in my life and her relationship is suffering. I'm glad that her boyfriend took a big problem off my hands and life is more peaceful, I can do whatever I want. I don't miss having a significant other criticize me.

[ArleighBurke]

You are human - so give yourself a break! It's good that you recognised your mistake and apologised to your son.

Seeing your ex apparently so happy with someone else must be hard. Did your wife give you that look at the start of your relationship? If it makes you feel better - I'm sure her new bf will make a mistake one day soon and then that look will be gone forever... .

[Herodias]

Don't be so hard on yourself- that situation stinks! She must have done that to you at some point as did mine. They do that crap on purpose- don't believe it's sincere for a minute. She just did that to make you jealous. She probably criticized him right after you left- you know it's not any better. It's temporary. I was out with my sisters tonight and there were couples arguing, ignoring each other and lugging around kids. What makes us think couples are happier than single people? Seriously... .Stuff happens. Somehow you need to show your son a different way to be than your ex. You want him to grow up as healthy as possible. Don't let her get to you- you know the truth. I'm in the same boat- we all are here. Think about how lucky you are to be out of her clutches- I was afraid of mine and I still cry over it. It's the dream we miss, not the person.

[StayStrongNow]

I can relate to taking it out on the kids. I am still married, the divorce is not final and the stbxBPDw has the new replacement as the new husband in waiting. She wants me to wave the cohabitation clause in the MSA of me not paying alimony if they live together. The kids tell me how much the stbxBPDw loves him so. I regret the future events that I will have to endure their company.

Back on the kids, I am human too, with having full custody and taking care of the kids every moment I am not working, maintaining a full time job, dealing with mounting debt from a year and a half of attorney's fees (most delays resulted from her arrest and other events requiring her getting medical evaluations) and dealing with all the other stuff I have a lot of pressure on me, and I do sometimes direct my anger the wrong way.

Whenever I do take it out on my D10, D8 and S6, I make it up to them as soon as possible. I use a calm voice and apologize, I tell them I love them and I kiss and hug them. I know they know I am sincere. I love my children so much.

The Ambassadors are great, and fantastic two of them posted. Even though their predictions are a sure lock in coming true, it still is no consolation in contemplating the future when now I have been split into the deep black and he is in the angel, lily white. I know that it will never be like the beginning with her ever again, but I remember those times that she turned on the charm and I called her "sweetness". My the times have changed. Just typing that word brings up anger of how bad the devaluation was.

Anyway, just wanted to post to let you know you are not alone and thank you for posting, I greatly appreciate it.