Feeling Stuck, Wanting to Detach

[saddened27]

I really want to leave but I'm the only one on the lease (my landlord is a really good guy and knows my bf is staying with me unofficially)... .so I can't just leave him (the bf) with the place and move out. It would sadden me to have to leave this place I'm living as it's a really great place for very little money. Financially I will be taking a giant hit to move somewhere else. However, if it was as simple as that, I would consider it. However, I feel like if I am the one to "leave", it's going to be horrific and there is a significant chance of physical danger to me. There have been threats made that I'm going to lose my job, friends, family, etc... .Typical stuff. But I don't know how much is bluster and how much is valid threats. I know he is capable of physical violence towards me and he has a gun in the house.
Restraining order is a piece of paper and only works on someone who cares about themselves and what happens to them.
The part that makes me nervous is that very unlike typical BPD he doesn't have others lined up to occupy himself. His last serious relationship was over 20 years ago. So his attachment to me is significant. This is what makes leaving particularly dangerous for me. Particularly with a sudden (possibly triggering) move out or restraining order.
So I'm considering going grey rock. I don't know how well I can implement though? I need suggestions on how to be successful with it. The normal insults I can handle but he always gets to me by threatening or actually taking actions against my pet (scaring him, for example).
So yes, it needs to be his idea to break up. Or at least mutual. I just need to be boring, but this does not come natural to me. Suggestions and encouragement welcome. Thank you for listening, if anything, it helps just to vent. <3

[Mutt]

HI saddened27,



That sounds like a scary situation if your bf may be physical and has a gun in the house. Lessening the emotional detachment is a good idea but what are going to do if you still live together? I wouldn't worry about his future attachments and worry about your safety. I would consider what has more value for me, my emotional well-being or a cheap place, you can't put a price on your mental health. The goal is to act boring, disinterested this link has really good strategies for leaving a pwBPD. The article by Dr Joe Carver is at the bottom of that page.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

[saddened27]

HI saddened27,



That sounds like a scary situation if your bf may be physical and has a gun in the house. Lessening the emotional detachment is a good idea but what are going to do if you still live together? I would consider what has more value for me, my emotional well-being or a cheap place, you can't put a price on your mental health. The goal is to act boring, disinterested this link is really good with information on how to leave a pwBPD. The article by Dr Joe Carver is at the bottom of that page.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality]https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm]Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

That's my problem and why I feel stuck. I can give my landlord notice (2 months he wants) and then maybe only notify the bf in the last two weeks that he'll have to pack his stuff and move out... .but that's still plenty of time for emotions to run high and for something to happen.
He'll be losing me and his place to stay (and his job is across the street) and he doesn't have a vehicle, or family to lean on.

[saddened27]

Oh, and I mentioned his lack of "future attachments" because it puts me in a bad position. Perhaps if I can be successful with grey rock he will find others to occupy himself. Then I can slide away more easily.

[saddened27]

Oh, and thank you for the link!

[Mutt]

You seem like a caring person, it's not easy leaving someone that you care about. My ex left me and I was thinking about how she felt, what she thought, what she needs, it wasn't healthy because I was enmeshed. I had to set boundaries to protect myself and to take of myself.

Is your boyfriend getting help for himself?

[saddened27]

You seem like a caring person, it's not easy leaving someone that you care about. My ex left me and I was thinking about how she felt, what she thought, what she needs, it wasn't healthy because I was enmeshed. I had to set boundaries to protect myself and to take of myself.

Is your boyfriend getting help for himself?

No, he is not getting help. Undiagnosed but checks every box. Possible comorbidity with NPD and or ASPD... .although the BPD symptoms seem to be the strongest.
I'm very ready to move on, my self esteem has been slightly damaged by him and will be more if I stay, but I've got a very healthy ego and know I will be happy without him. My other couple of relationships in the past have all been healthy.
What I have is a practical problem of removing him from the household and my fear of revenge tactics and physical harm. If I could just have him *poof* be gone, I would sign up for that in a heart beat. Yes, I love him and care about him and don't want to see him hurt... .but I love myself more and know I don't deserve the abuse. I also recognize I will never be happy with him.
I just need to learn to slowly detach without cutting him off all at once which may trigger crisis.
For example: Just a bit ago, he texted me wanting me to do him a favor. I would usually have done it in the past, (as recent as last week) but now I don't really want to. The only reason to do it would be to sooth him. It would not be a huge imposition on me, but if I continue to do for him, then that is not detaching, correct? So I'm having trouble with a balancing act of detaching without seemingly totally removing myself. It's my fault for being an extreme caretaker... .so at this point, any failure to meet needs is probably going to be seen as abandonment.
Yes, it's hard to get over being enmeshed, but I've recently become so disgusted by the way he's treated me, my spirit is fighting back.

[Meili]

Can you use the landlord as an excuse or even have the landlord kick him out?

[saddened27]

Can you use the landlord as an excuse or even have the landlord kick him out?

As the only person on the lease, I am responsible for any other occupants. If the landlord was to do an eviction, for example, it would list me along with any other occupants.
The only thing he (the bf) would even remotely believe that the landlord was saying to me is that I would need to ADD him to the lease.
If I have to move I will, although it will suck. But me moving is me LEAVING. Me leaving is abandonment. I need him to be ready to move on. I need to be Boringville, population 1.

[saddened27]

Well, I'm not very good with grey rocking because at this point he does know that I want to break up. I'm sure that he still has hope that we will get back together and everything will be fine.
This is the point in the past where I go back, because it's easier than dealing with the anxiety and fear of what will happen once he realizes I don't want to come back to him.
At least I've been able to present a calm, slightly friendly emotional face to him. I'm hoping if the emotion in the relationship cools down, then there won't be so much danger to me or chance of him wanting to hurt me or take revenge.
He's made a lot of threats... .I think it would help me to hear from others that their SO had made a lot of serious threats but didn't actually DO anything serious at the ending of the relationship? I think that would help take some of the worry away.

[Meili]

My x threatened to do everything from sleep with my brother to make false allegations of domestic violence so that I'd go to jail to burning/destroying my property. Nothing close even happened.

[saddened27]

My x threatened to do everything from sleep with my brother to make false allegations of domestic violence so that I'd go to jail to burning/destroying my property. Nothing close even happened.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that helps. He's shown his capability to be violent towards me, so this causes a significant amount of worry. I'm going through a lot of fear, anxiety and sadness right now. I wish I could help him but I can't. He will just destroy me along with him. And even more so, I think he will eventually do better without me as I am a trigger. His main trigger.