Obsessing, but want to stop.

[Larmoyant]

I’m stuck. I can’t stop thinking about my ex with, whoever he’s with right now. I’ve read that she would most likely be a “transitional object” and will serve to soothe his feelings of abandonment, but what if she isn’t? Here I am stuck at home, no where to go and no one to go with, missing him and hurting and he’s off having a good time with someone new. He refused to give me an answer when I questioned him about having someone new just said that he had every right to date when I ended it. Only I didn’t expect him to be with someone else less than a week after ending it and not whilst he was still trying to get back with me. This is incredibly painful. How do I stop obsessing? This man has hurt me enough and this is going to sound incredibly selfish and unkind, but I want him to be hurting as much as me. I'm at odds with this feeling. I know it's not kind, but it's what I feel. How do I stop obsessing about who he's with?

[fromheeltoheal]

he’s off having a good time with someone new.

Do you really know he's having a good time L, or is that your brain filling in the blanks?

How do I stop obsessing?

By creating something new.  The best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new.  Consider detachment a project, the most important kind of project, it's your life, and plan on spending as much time and energy on that project as you did in the relationship.  And the guts of it are, you shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future, as fast as you can but not too fast.  It's not complicated, but it does take some work, the best kind.

So what does your future, the life of your dreams that you're creating now from scratch, what does that look like L?

[VitaminC]

How do I stop obsessing? This man has hurt me enough and this is going to sound incredibly selfish and unkind, but I want him to be hurting as much as me. I'm at odds with this feeling. I know it's not kind, but it's what I feel. How do I stop obsessing about who he's with?

Hi again Larmoyant,

It's ok if you're angry at him and wish him the opposite of well. It's a natural and understandable feeling. It won't last forever, but you know you can use your current anger to galvanize you into something that is more about you! Anger is an energy, as the PIL song says.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq7JSic1DtM)
You could use  it to help yourself and stop hurting yourself with it. How could you do that, if you wanted to try?

I get the obsessive thoughts, I've been there too. But A) you don't actually know what he's doing and B) you don't know how he's feeling in general or whatever he may or may not be doing.

If you can see his disorder as as running away from the pain of being himself then whatever he does is at least partly motivated by the need to escape that. To escape himself. Ruminating on what might be going on with him is inevitable, we've ALL done that, but to soothe yourself you can try to give yourself a break from those thoughts by replacing them, even temporarily, with something else.

Remember that one of the things that pwBPD cannot do well is to soothe themselves; to manage their own out of control emotions that lead to out of control thoughts. It's not an easy thing to do and some situations are so overwhelming that we maybe collapse for a bit.  How can we start to reassemble ourselves.

You've said before you were a different person before you had this relationship, right? Tell us about that person. She hasn't gone away, she's just exhausted and overwhelmed and lying down for a rest. Let's wake her up and make her take a walk in the sunshine and fresh air. Tell us who you are when you're not exhausted.  

[VitaminC]

And maybe have  a read of this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

To begin to think about detaching. Scroll down to see "How grief passes through us: The Five Stages of Grieving" .

The whole thing is worthwhile, but try to read mindfully and apply to your own situation. And just read as much as you can.

Tell us what you think. Tell us. 

[Larmoyant]

he’s off having a good time with someone new.

Do you really know he's having a good time L, or is that your brain filling in the blanks?

Hi HH, yes, my brain is unfortunately filling in the blanks and I am torturing myself. I know what he’s like and he won’t be staying in. Each ‘break-up’ he immediately sought other women. It’s beyond my understanding how he could be with someone else so soon and even worse whilst still claiming everlasting love for me. If you love someone don’t you want to make it right? Don’t you want to be with them?

Right this minute I absolutely detest him. I wouldn’t let him back now if I could. Not after being with someone else, not this time. I hope she’s someone with better boundaries than me and she tells him to  * off sooner rather than later. If he ever tries to come back to me, and I wouldn’t put it past him, I’d blast him to the next universe.

I feel angry, but beneath that is hurt, pain and tears. I cannot believe what I tolerated. Why didn’t I have more pride? I should have valued myself more and told him to go away a long, long time ago.

I hope he doesn’t think I still like him because right now I absolutely detest him. I’ve said that twice now. I feel like swearing like a trooper. What a roller coaster of emotions. I want to get to a place of indifference. Where I just couldn’t care less.

As for the future well that just reduces me to tears. I’m not sure why. Maybe because of all I’ve lost. It’s extensive. I will be starting from scratch. It’s all gone and I’m grieving it.

Anger to tears in less than 1 minute!

[Larmoyant]

You've said before you were a different person before you had this relationship, right? Tell us about that person. She hasn't gone away, she's just exhausted and overwhelmed and lying down for a rest. Let's wake her up and make her take a walk in the sunshine and fresh air. Tell us who you are when you're not exhausted.    

Hi Vitamin C, 29 months ago, pre the sadistic bf, I’d just come back from a dream month long trip, I was happy, rested, enjoying my life. I’d started a postgrad place, I’d worked so hard for it and had competed with 200 others for a space with 15 others. My family were so proud. Now it’s gone and I feel desperately upset.  Angry at him and so disappointed in myself for allowing this sick, horrid, individual to come along to debase, dehumanize, devalue and reduce me to this quivering wreck of a person.

29 months ago I was living my life. Now what do I do? What can I do? I’m sorry, having a huge melt-down moment. I don't know who I am anymore. I've gone from a kind, loving, happy, bubbly, confident, capable, person to this and for what? It's pathetic. I'm a fool.

[fromheeltoheal]

Each ‘break-up’ he immediately sought other women. It’s beyond my understanding how he could be with someone else so soon and even worse whilst still claiming everlasting love for me. If you love someone don’t you want to make it right? Don’t you want to be with them?

Speaking standard borderline, he has to have an attachment to survive, it's mandatory, so borderlines become experts at attaching, and quickly.  And borderlines hate to lose an attachment too, it's the worst thing that could happen, a replaying of the abandonment they felt and never transcended, the core of the disorder, which is where the claim of everlasting love comes from.

Plus, did you notice that his definition of love is different from yours?

I feel angry, but beneath that is hurt, pain and tears. I cannot believe what I tolerated. Why didn’t I have more pride? I should have valued myself more and told him to go away a long, long time ago.

It's interesting how our body protects us in times of stress my shutting down our emotions, numbs us, and when the stress stops we start to relax into our bodies again, and start to feel.  And if it was very stressful for a long time we start to feel a LOT, like someone uncorked a bottle and out it flows.

And the other piece is we process the things that went down in the relationship, and might kick ourselves, and it's helpful to realize we were doing the best we could in a stressful situation, that being emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness, and it's most helpful to cut ourselves some slack, one, and two, learn as much about ourselves as we can now, since parts of us we might not have known where there show up in situations like that.

Anger to tears in less than 1 minute!

I want to get to a place of indifference. Where I just couldn’t care less.

And you're doing exactly what you need to be doing to get there.  The only way out is through, and crying is what pain leaving feels like.  Have faith you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

As for the future well that just reduces me to tears. I’m not sure why. Maybe because of all I’ve lost. It’s extensive. I will be starting from scratch. It’s all gone and I’m grieving it.

Yes, when we focus on the past and the present, and what we've lost, there is grieving to do, so keep grieving, it's a process.  And when the process has played out you'll be able to let go of the past a little, but keep the lessons, and shift your focus to the future, a time of inspiration and growth, and one cool thing about starting from scratch is you can build any kind of life you want for yourself, keeping the good from the past, out with the bad, the wiser you building from there.  It's a brand new day.  Take care of you!