Ex Husband of BPD Wife - Should I cut off all communication?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am looking for advice.  I am currently debating whether to permanently end communication with my ex wife who is diagnosed bipolar II and, I suspect, likely has BPD.

Here is some background.  Sorry this is long... .

We grew up together, and later ran into each other early in our careers.  We began dating in 2003.  We have known each other most of our lives.  We were together for several years before being married, and were married until separating around January 2016.  Thankfully, we did not have any children. 

The first few years of dating when we were in our early 20s were happy and seemed normal and sincere, with what I would consider real love between us.  Then, slowly, from about the 2nd or 3rd year, things descended into what I would describe as a dysfunctional, enabling relationship.  At roughly the 2.5 year mark, she was initially diagnosed with major depression.  Later this was changed to bipolar disorder (type II).  Initially, she was enthusiastic about therapy and kept up with her medication.  This gradually changed, and she changed therapists several times.  She began to sporadically drink too much an would black out and vomit or be dropped off at our house by strangers (she has a family history of substance abuse).  She then changed jobs approximately 4-5 times in roughly a 5 year period, and then went back to school and changed careers entirely.  During that time, she incurred a substantial amount of credit card debt without any explanation. 

However, the career change seemed to help her drastically.  She appeared happier, changed her appearance somewhat, limited her drinking, exercised more, and seemed to enjoy life to some degree.  It was quite a dramatic shift over a 2 year period, and that was when I decided to propose and we got married. 

Unfortunately, just after the career change and getting married, I unexpectedly lost my job (I was offered a transfer, but she was not interested in moving, so I took a financial package and separated during the recession).  Even though this did have any adverse financial impact and she insisted on maintaining separate finances throughout our marriage anyway, she seemed to resent me and often says it was the worst time in our relationship during the few months I was out of work.  I did my absolute best to insulate her from any additional stress and honestly do not understand why she still feels hurt and angry about that situation. 

I accepted a contract position out of state for approximately 24 months, and I was home every weekend, all holidays, and had 6 weeks of vacation per year.  She was initially very supportive, but then quickly seemed totally indifferent to whether I came home at all.  She became hypersensitive to any comment I might make about things that were entirely unrelated to her-- for example, she would take it as a personal insult if I asked whether the lawn mowing company had killed a patch of grass or whether a sprinkler was broken.  She seemed again to withdraw and became very depressed, started binge drinking again, and decided to permanently sterilize herself. 

Around the same period of time, she called me several times on weekdays when I was out of town with what seemed like panic attacks (she said she was hiding under her desk and sounded like a different person to the point that I did not recognize her voice over the phone), and also seemed to become less enthusiastic about therapy and staying on top of her various medications.  She became very withdrawn from our relationship at certain points during the 24 months, but was adamant that I should not quit the job early to return home. 

Ultimately, near the conclusion of my assignment, she said that she was "so unhappy and depressed".  I asked her if she was keeping up with medication and therapy, but she said that it was my fault because I wasn't being nice to her.  She said that she was only happy running (she was a marathon runner), and when I was gone, and that she dreaded me coming home.  We talked about her perception that she was not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough, etc.  We had gone to couples counseling regarding this in the past.  She would not accept that this was not true, and refused to accept that I never said, implied, or suggested in any way that this was the case.  She would simply say: "I know that's what you think... .you're not happy with me"  The culmination of this was a drunken incident last fall at my sibling's wedding, when she refused to leave a groomsman's room and obviously wanted to hook up with him.  It was very awkward and embarrassing for everyone.  To this day, she denies it ever happened.

Around that time, she wanted to buy a new home.  She was the primary driver of the idea but would become upset at points in the house search, so I repeatedly suggested that we delay until later, after I was back at home.  She refused.  In December, when we submitted our mortgage application, she attempted to hide another substantial amount of new credit card debt by telling the mortgage broker to "just put it through; everything is correct so my husband doesn't need to approve it".  I was not sure what to do at that point, but we were only a few days from closing on the new home and had already sold our old home.  I addressed the issue by asking what happened, and then asking that we go back to the couples counselor when I returned home in a few weeks. 

Then, as I was preparing to move home, she seemed to get very apprehensive.  She refused to help me move our belongings back.  While I was handling the move, I received calls from friends that I had not seen recently, asking "Are you and (her) still together... ? Umm, we saw her... .she was with someone and it... .you should talk to her."   Long story short, on the evening I returned home, I found the house empty late on a work night, and I ended up catching her in an affair with one of her employees in a nearby public place. 

I said I could forgive her and offered to work with her, but she immediately moved out in a panic.  She refused to engage, so I finally told her I wanted a divorce.  She has never acknowledged what happened or apologized, and literally seems like a different person.  I have been extremely kind to her throughout this process.  She seems to pretend everything is fine, and will sometimes try to hug me. 

I feel continued contact is unhealthy, but I also feel guilty cutting her off.  Should I permanently cut contact?

[BridgeBeyond]

I am looking for advice.  I am currently debating whether to permanently end communication with my ex wife who is diagnosed bipolar II and, I suspect, likely has BPD.

Here is some background.  Sorry this is long... .

We grew up together, and later ran into each other early in our careers.  We began dating in 2003.  We have known each other most of our lives.  We were together for several years before being married, and were married until separating around January 2016.  Thankfully, we did not have any children. 

The first few years of dating when we were in our early 20s were happy and seemed normal and sincere, with what I would consider real love between us.  Then, slowly, from about the 2nd or 3rd year, things descended into what I would describe as a dysfunctional, enabling relationship.  At roughly the 2.5 year mark, she was initially diagnosed with major depression.  Later this was changed to bipolar disorder (type II).  Initially, she was enthusiastic about therapy and kept up with her medication.  This gradually changed, and she changed therapists several times.  She began to sporadically drink too much an would black out and vomit or be dropped off at our house by strangers (she has a family history of substance abuse).  She then changed jobs approximately 4-5 times in roughly a 5 year period, and then went back to school and changed careers entirely.  During that time, she incurred a substantial amount of credit card debt without any explanation. 

However, the career change seemed to help her drastically.  She appeared happier, changed her appearance somewhat, limited her drinking, exercised more, and seemed to enjoy life to some degree.  It was quite a dramatic shift over a 2 year period, and that was when I decided to propose and we got married. 

Unfortunately, just after the career change and getting married, I unexpectedly lost my job (I was offered a transfer, but she was not interested in moving, so I took a financial package and separated during the recession).  Even though this did have any adverse financial impact and she insisted on maintaining separate finances throughout our marriage anyway, she seemed to resent me and often says it was the worst time in our relationship during the few months I was out of work.  I did my absolute best to insulate her from any additional stress and honestly do not understand why she still feels hurt and angry about that situation. 

I accepted a contract position out of state for approximately 24 months, and I was home every weekend, all holidays, and had 6 weeks of vacation per year.  She was initially very supportive, but then quickly seemed totally indifferent to whether I came home at all.  She became hypersensitive to any comment I might make about things that were entirely unrelated to her-- for example, she would take it as a personal insult if I asked whether the lawn mowing company had killed a patch of grass or whether a sprinkler was broken.  She seemed again to withdraw and became very depressed, started binge drinking again, and decided to permanently sterilize herself. 

Around the same period of time, she called me several times on weekdays when I was out of town with what seemed like panic attacks (she said she was hiding under her desk and sounded like a different person to the point that I did not recognize her voice over the phone), and also seemed to become less enthusiastic about therapy and staying on top of her various medications.  She became very withdrawn from our relationship at certain points during the 24 months, but was adamant that I should not quit the job early to return home. 

Ultimately, near the conclusion of my assignment, she said that she was "so unhappy and depressed".  I asked her if she was keeping up with medication and therapy, but she said that it was my fault because I wasn't being nice to her.  She said that she was only happy running (she was a marathon runner), and when I was gone, and that she dreaded me coming home.  We talked about her perception that she was not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough, etc.  We had gone to couples counseling regarding this in the past.  She would not accept that this was not true, and refused to accept that I never said, implied, or suggested in any way that this was the case.  She would simply say: "I know that's what you think... .you're not happy with me"  The culmination of this was a drunken incident last fall at my sibling's wedding, when she refused to leave a groomsman's room and obviously wanted to hook up with him.  It was very awkward and embarrassing for everyone.  To this day, she denies it ever happened.

Around that time, she wanted to buy a new home.  She was the primary driver of the idea but would become upset at points in the house search, so I repeatedly suggested that we delay until later, after I was back at home.  She refused.  In December, when we submitted our mortgage application, she attempted to hide another substantial amount of new credit card debt by telling the mortgage broker to "just put it through; everything is correct so my husband doesn't need to approve it".  I was not sure what to do at that point, but we were only a few days from closing on the new home and had already sold our old home.  I addressed the issue by asking what happened, and then asking that we go back to the couples counselor when I returned home in a few weeks. 

Then, as I was preparing to move home, she seemed to get very apprehensive.  She refused to help me move our belongings back.  While I was handling the move, I received calls from friends that I had not seen recently, asking "Are you and (her) still together... ? Umm, we saw her... .she was with someone and it... .you should talk to her."   Long story short, on the evening I returned home, I found the house empty late on a work night, and I ended up catching her in an affair with one of her employees in a nearby public place. 

I said I could forgive her and offered to work with her, but she immediately moved out in a panic.  She refused to engage, so I finally told her I wanted a divorce.  She has never acknowledged what happened or apologized, and literally seems like a different person.  I have been extremely kind to her throughout this process.  She seems to pretend everything is fine, and will sometimes try to hug me. 

I feel continued contact is unhealthy, but I also feel guilty cutting her off.  Should I permanently cut contact?

[married21years]

  hi an welcome

NC is about protection and self preservation, NC is a expected consequence of a split.

you need to do what is good for you, your responsibility for your ex's feelings is over.

will she get better if you stay in contact, or will it degrade her progress.

these are questions only you can answer

good luck 

[Panda39]

I guess my question is why do you feel guilty cutting her off?  

You are no longer married, no longer connected in anyway and she appears to have moved on.  Why continue to be in contact? What is the point of contact? What kind of contact are you having with her now?  Who does this contact benefit?  Is contact with her good for you?

If it were me, I'd let go and move forward.  

Panda39

[drained1996]

BridgeBeyond,

 

I read your story, and we are so sorry you are having to deal with the emotional stresses in your life now.  You have asked for some input from us, and I see you have gotten a few to put in their 2 cents.  It is really up to you to decide how move forward, though you can gain a whole lot of insight from members own experiences as they are shared here.  You have found a great community that is always here, and a vast majority here can directly relate to the to things you have and will be going through.
Some questions to ponder:
Why have you had continued communication with her? 
What if any are the benefits of continuing communication?
Does that communication cause you emotional /mental distress?
I'm going to take an educated guess that this communication is causing you some distress, otherwise  you would not propose to shut it down.
My personal experience is that no communication is a healthy boundary set to protect ourselves. 
If you feel comfortable, why don't you share some of the reasons you are considering NC?
We are always here BridgeBeyond, you have found a very good and helpful family.   

[BridgeBeyond]

Thanks for the advice and welcome.  I appreciate all of your comments.  I suppose I feel guilty about cutting off contact because she seems to be such a disaster.  Part of my enabling had become protecting her or trying to save her from her own bad decisions.  I know this is unhealthy, and I haven't been trying to help her since the split, but the guilt is still there.  I guess it took a long time to get habituated to the BPD drama, and it's taking me a little time (and some counseling) to get myself out of that pattern. 

I also keep hoping that there will be some sort of acknowledgement-- perhaps a simple, candid discussion that would give me some sort of a sense of closure.  Right now, I just feel very used and foolish.  It's as though the entire relationship has been some sort of a lie or ruse for her for the past decade. 

I know there is probably nothing coming from her in the way of a logical explanation, acknowledgement, or certainly any sort of apology.  I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around walking away and leaving everything as it is now.  I think it's a struggle for me because I am looking for some sort of logical reason why this all happened.  My counselor keeps saying that there is no logical answer, and that the cause of the whole thing is that I was married to a broken, ill person.  I'm coming to accept this. 

I have only been keeping in contact to pay joint bills for the new house that we have now re-sold.  In several days, when that sale closes, I think I will simply stop answering calls or emails from her and consider her gone from my life.  I'm also thinking I might trash all wedding pictures, old photo albums, and various odds and ends of hers that she left and apparently does not want.  Time for a fresh start. 

This was helpful, so thank you again.  What a lonely and emotionally draining process this has been!  Good luck to all of you! 

[rfriesen]

BB,
Your story, like many here, is truly heartbreaking. I can imagine that having fallen in love with and married someone you grew up with would seem like a dream come true. It must be all the more devastating when that dream turns into the nightmare you describe.

You seem to have a very level head and clear understanding about it all, at least at a rational level. I know that doesn't stop the emotional rollercoaster, though.

I suppose I feel guilty about cutting off contact because she seems to be such a disaster.

It's perfectly normal to feel this way. We're talking about a person you have loved for many years and committed so much of yourself to helping. It will take time to detach and time to accept that you cannot hold yourself responsible for her well-being anymore. The answer is not to repress the feelings of guilt or to blame yourself for having them, but to accept that you feel that way, even if you have to change the way you react to those feelings.

You seem to have reached this conclusion already:

Part of my enabling had become protecting her or trying to save her from her own bad decisions.  I know this is unhealthy, and I haven't been trying to help her since the split, but the guilt is still there.  I guess it took a long time to get habituated to the BPD drama, and it's taking me a little time (and some counseling) to get myself out of that pattern. 

As for this:

I also keep hoping that there will be some sort of acknowledgement-- perhaps a simple, candid discussion that would give me some sort of a sense of closure.  Right now, I just feel very used and foolish.  It's as though the entire relationship has been some sort of a lie or ruse for her for the past decade.

I know these feelings and they caused me tremendous pain after my relationship with my ex. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like your ex saw the relationship as a lie or ruse while she was living most of it -- after all, it would seem even more baffling for someone to commit to such an elaborate ruse for a decade or more. To what end? But so many of us here have experienced emotionally unstable exes who struggle to deal with conflicting emotions, and at the end they may well convince themselves that it was all a lie or a ruse, because they find that easier than trying to work through the conflict. My ex left her fiancé right at the start of our relationship, and then would tell me that her entire 2-3 years with him were just "one big lie". How did I not see this as a bigger red flag at the time? In any case, I'm sure the truth is that her relationship with him was complicated and conflicted, but not a lie -- that's what my ex told herself in hindsight so as not to deal with any feelings of loss or guilt.

My counselor keeps saying that there is no logical answer, and that the cause of the whole thing is that I was married to a broken, ill person.  I'm coming to accept this. 

Many of us here are working hard to accept this kind of conclusion as well. Even if we grasp it rationally, it's a long process to let the emotions work themselves out. Take your time with it all.

I think I will simply stop answering calls or emails from her and consider her gone from my life.  I'm also thinking I might trash all wedding pictures, old photo albums, and various odds and ends of hers that she left and apparently does not want.  Time for a fresh start. 

Time and distance are often crucial for the first steps along the path to feeling strong and healthier. Give yourself whatever you need to start. Don't try to rush things. Let yourself grieve and recover. That takes time.