I feel like I've exhausted everyone I know with my tales of BPD woe

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Even the wonderful folks here... .   

Why can't I get over it or at least shut the heck up about it?

[kc sunshine]

Even the wonderful folks here... .   

Why can't I get over it or at least shut the heck up about it?

[fromheeltoheal]

Shutting up about it wouldn't be good if you've got something to say kc, and we're resilient... .

So why can't you get over it?  What's the goal?  What's the biggest issue still in your way?

[JerryRG]

Hello  kc sunshine

Don't be to quick to believe everyone is tired of listening and as long as we try to make progress and don't just seek attention (I know I have and sometimes still do) people will listen. I vented to my sponsor a few nights ago and he did his best to help me, he gets upset because I'm asking him to predict the future and try to understand my son's mother.

I made amends the next day and told him I was sorry and I knew he had better things to do than listen to me complain about the sos day after day. He said, I'm getting better and let him determine what he can and cannot do.

Just keep moving forward and keep trying.

Good luck and hope you feel better.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks FHTH 

I think my goal now is to move to my new city, and start my new life. My new job starts next month so this has to happen one way or another. Hopefully I can do it smoothly. Three weeks.

One of the big issues is that I still love her dear ways. When she came over yesterday I still melted, and enjoyed her company, her telling me about her work etc. I also loved before hand when she was texting me to hang out-- wanting to see me. So the pull still is very drawing to me. Silver lining: When she is not pulling, I think I can just enjoy her memory and also just the fact of her loveliness in the world without actually having to be together.

Another issue: FOG-- I think I do still have some fear, obligation, and guilt. And trauma bonding probably too.

A third issue: My mom is really sick and the grief and difficulty of that can spill over into my feelings about this breakup and vice versa.

Fourth issue: I'm in limbo, neither here nor there, and still have a lot of work to do to move out of limbo.

You talk heeltoheal about borderline school: I guess I can think that borderline school right now is making me figure out how to grieve in a way that is healing.



 

Shutting up about it wouldn't be good if you've got something to say kc, and we're resilient... .

So why can't you get over it?  What's the goal?  What's the biggest issue still in your way?

[married21years]

carry on let it out

in the words of frozen let it go!

only thing people is tired of is frozen

[VitaminC]

Sunshine, I add my wishes to the others - do not shut up about it.

As long as you are writing / talking honestly and mindfully, only good can come of it. That's why we're all here, to talk, listen, support, suggest, and share our own experience and the learning we have won through it all.

What does getting over it look like?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi kc-

I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in years and consider myself fully detached, although she owed me money, something I had let go of as part of the cost of detachment.  Well a check for some of the money showed up in the mailbox the other day, along with a note.  At first I was surprised, like What the heck, then I read the note, in which she said a bunch of nice things about me, which I immediately interpreted as a borderline in pull mode, then I got really mad, then I felt an idealization buzz coming on, felt those old feelings again, then I caught myself and focused on all of the things we talk about here, and how they were obvious in the note.  Of course I deposited the check, why the hell not, and I found it appropriate to send her a thank you note, partly because it's right and partly because she owes me more money and it would be great to get it; the thank you note was intentionally boring and businesslike, because of what we've learned here, and I was done with it.

Point is I cycled through all of those emotions within a couple of hours, and then back to centered and grounded.  But someone with a mental illness lives in a different reality, one I am not comfortable in, and I got triggered by it with a simple note years later.  Fortunately I've done the work and the triggering didn't last long.

The point?  When you say you feel fear, obligation, and guilt and you're trauma bonded, why would you continue to hang out with her and feed that?  It's good you're moving, a change of scenery can help, although you'll still be there with you, and detachment is an inside job.  Bottom line is I don't see how you can heal if she's still in your orbit for however long.  I dunno, I was getting desensitized to my ex towards the end of the relationship, I could have seen myself maybe being less affected by her crap with time, but why?  Why would I want to subject myself to that?

You gotta do what you gotta do, just sayin'... .

[VitaminC]

At first I was surprised, like What the heck, then I read the note, in which she said a bunch of nice things about me, which I immediately interpreted as a borderline in pull mode, then I got really mad, then I felt an idealization buzz coming on, felt those old feelings again, then I caught myself and focused on all of the things we talk about here, and how they were obvious in the note.  

Point is I cycled through all of those emotions within a couple of hours, and then back to centered and grounded.  But someone with a mental illness lives in a different reality, one I am not comfortable in, and I got triggered by it with a simple note years later.  Fortunately I've done the work and the triggering didn't last long.

Great of you to share this, FHTH. Really useful to be reminded that a triggering does not have to result in a re-enmeshment. And it won't, if we've done the work and move through it with logic and awareness.

If something triggers me, like it did last week, and I feel destabilized and as if I've taken a step backwards - the thing to note is at what pace I resolve that and feel grounded again. Last week it took me two days. Eventually it'll be a few hours and then maybe moments. Let's see.

Sunshine, the other thing I take from FHTH's post is this: "I was getting desensitized to my ex towards the end of the relationship, I could have seen myself maybe being less affected by her crap with time, but why?  Why would I want to subject myself to that?"

If we know something is going to be more work than we can handle, or less good than we need, then we owe it to ourselves to accept that and move away. It seems you need your strength for your own mental health, your upcoming move, and your grief over your mom.

I note this "Silver lining: When she is not pulling, I think I can just enjoy her memory and also just the fact of her loveliness in the world without actually having to be together."   Maybe start there?  Know that you can love someone from a safe (for you) distance and move from there?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi VC-

If something triggers me, like it did last week, and I feel destabilized and as if I've taken a step backwards - the thing to note is at what pace I resolve that and feel grounded again. Last week it took me two days. Eventually it'll be a few hours and then maybe moments. Let's see.

Yep, the fact that we get triggered is not a step backward; realizing we're triggered and then dealing with it timely is actually a step forward.

Sunshine, the other thing I take from FHTH's post is this: "I was getting desensitized to my ex towards the end of the relationship, I could have seen myself maybe being less affected by her crap with time, but why?  Why would I want to subject myself to that?"

Yes, and why would we want someone in our lives towards whom we need to become desensitized?  What if a key to life is populating it with empowering people and removing the disempowering ones?  We empower those we consider empowering, it's holistic, and bliss ensues... .

[kc sunshine]

This is great-- the thought that healing might mean that the triggering still happens but doesn't last as long. I think that might be happening with me. Seeing her, getting a big push after a couple days of pull, and hearing the news of her moving in with her new girlfriend all triggered me, but hopefully it won't last as long and I've got tools to deal with it and a context to put it in.

Thank you all for your commitment and wisdom and good good company. It is life-saving.

Point is I cycled through all of those emotions within a couple of hours, and then back to centered and grounded.  But someone with a mental illness lives in a different reality, one I am not comfortable in, and I got triggered by it with a simple note years later.  Fortunately I've done the work and the triggering didn't last long.

[married21years]

you are doing great 

we are all here for you 

[fromheeltoheal]

This is great-- the thought that healing might mean that the triggering still happens but doesn't last as long. I think that might be happening with me. Seeing her, getting a big push after a couple days of pull, and hearing the news of her moving in with her new girlfriend all triggered me, but hopefully it won't last as long and I've got tools to deal with it and a context to put it in.

Good for you kc!  And you ever notice how hope is kind of a powerless place?  Sure, it feels good to hope, although we usually don't have any power or control over things we hope for, aside from casting positive intention on whatever it is.  Another focus is to first realize we're triggered, by telling ourselves "I'm triggered", identifying it, and then using the tools to deal with it as quickly as we can, active instead of reactive, in control instead of caught up in.  We have the tools, we have the knowledge, and we have the drive; kick it in the butt!  Much more powerful than hoping yes?

[myself]

I remember very well the day my T said to me, "You sound: Exhausted. This is a very exhausting process at times (the r/s itself, and then detaching), but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel." I'd imagine that perhaps the person most 'exhausted by your tale' is You, but with continued efforts and understanding you will find your way through. You already are!

[Herodias]

I think because it's so traumatizing and unbelievable! I'm a year and a half out and I still can't shut up about it. I even notice I say things about my ex in general. It's was the last ten years of my life! What can people expect, you just forget about it? I hope people are not that nieve. Vent away - here mostly. I'm sick of talking about it myself. Sick of all of it, but still feel heartbroken and traumatized! Wondering if I'm ever going to be able to be in love again! Seriously- every time I even think about dating I feel sick. Don't beat yourself up. These people screwed us in so many different ways- more people need to know they are out there. At least the country seems to be learning about narcissism with our election in the US coming up- two great examples... .Scary when you think about what we know now. Even the papers are talking about it! It was in the front page of our newspaper last week! Not sure people will truly understand unless they lived it though. So sad.

[pjstock42]

kc, I feel exactly the same.

I have already pulled back a bit with my friends/family in terms of talking to them about this stuff because I know it has gotten old. I know this because at this point I'm oftentimes sick of even being around myself when I'm having a bad day and just ruminating about all of the pain from this so if I can barely even tolerate my own misery, I know that others probably stopped caring to hear about it long ago.

I've done the same thing here and perhaps people are tired of it but it does seem like no matter how many new topics/posts I make, there is always at least one person who seems to genuinely care and want to provide advice/guidance. I think a key part of this distinction is that unless you know people in real life whom have gone through a relationship with a BPD ex, nobody is really going to "get it" at least not in the same way that people here will. I'm not saying this to talk down to anyone and I know my family and friends have been tremendously supportive of me through this and listened to all of the tireless verbal diarrhea that I've spewed but unless you have been trough this, there is no way to fully understand what the experience is like. I totally understand this because if I had never gone through this experience, I would probably be telling a friend that did to "get over it" and similar things like that in an attempt to help them without really understanding how much deeper this stuff goes than a normal breakup. Every friend I have who has advised me to forget about her, to move on, to go fin another girl etc. are surely coming from the right place in their hearts but just lack the understanding of the effects that a BPD relationship has on a person and that's not their fault. As much as I wish that no one else on this planet had to experience what I did, this community is so great because there are others here who will understand everything that you're going through.