One last question

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Thanks to this site and others I have gained great understanding about BPD. The idealization, devaluation, discarding and replacement stages along with understanding terms like splitting and projection all applies to the r/s I had with stbxBPDw. Now terms of NC and LC are in play with me.

I am amazed how I get it why she did what she did and why she is doing what she is doing. It would be fair to say she is a textbook pwBPD. Despite this insight, I was stuck on one last question.

Our r/s had about 8 to 9 years of idealization. Looking back this was directly attributable to my co-dependency by making a lot of money for her to feed her compulsive shopping for one. Then the economy tanked, lost jobs and the intense medical care of my young daughter had to have and her death after 25 months of life brought the blame and the devaluation stage to full throttle.

She medicated with mixing prescription pills like Xanex, Celexa, Cymbalta, Trazadone, Vicadine and alcohol. She had multiple arrest, charges and convictions all involved mixing of this stuff.  I wondered, is she an alcoholic or drug addict? I went to Alanon and that helped me but she just didn't seem to be an alcoholic that really needed to drink everyday but was a binge drinker. So why did she drink so much the times she drank?

Then I read a post from fromheeltoheal and I got my answer when I read the words "melt into a puddle of shame." He describes why she drank. She was literally in that type of puddle when she passed out on a street corner at 11:00am with my S6. This was still when she was in that push pull mode before her getting her replacement to rescue her from her most recent time in jail.

The relationship ended with her leaving, and if she exhibits traits of the disorder, she did it because the emotions got too strong, the fears of abandonment and engulfment too extreme, so bailing seemed like the only choice.  And now, if she was to take any responsibility for the demise of the relationship she would melt into a puddle of shame, so it has to be all you, you're the scumbag, you're evil, you're to blame and she's the victim, not only that, she can project all of the negative feelings she has about herself onto you, so she doesn't have to feel them, she's done with them, so she's the innocent victim.  And of course if she takes that stance effectively with her friends, you'll be a scumbag to them too.

Now I have my answer. She is textbook BPD.

She is now in a new idealization stage with the replacement but I can reasonably predict when the inevitable devaluation and discard happens I know she won't come running back to me.  I am crystal clear in the black never to be white again. To her I am the eternal scumbag. She and stbxBPDmil will continue to blame me for everything.

It sure is good to know what will definitely happen next. Now I can move on... .

[StayStrongNow]

Thanks to this site and others I have gained great understanding about BPD. The idealization, devaluation, discarding and replacement stages along with understanding terms like splitting and projection all applies to the r/s I had with stbxBPDw. Now terms of NC and LC are in play with me.

I am amazed how I get it why she did what she did and why she is doing what she is doing. It would be fair to say she is a textbook pwBPD. Despite this insight, I was stuck on one last question.

Our r/s had about 8 to 9 years of idealization. Looking back this was directly attributable to my co-dependency by making a lot of money for her to feed her compulsive shopping for one. Then the economy tanked, lost jobs and the intense medical care of my young daughter had to have and her death after 25 months of life brought the blame and the devaluation stage to full throttle.

She medicated with mixing prescription pills like Xanex, Celexa, Cymbalta, Trazadone, Vicadine and alcohol. She had multiple arrest, charges and convictions all involved mixing of this stuff.  I wondered, is she an alcoholic or drug addict? I went to Alanon and that helped me but she just didn't seem to be an alcoholic that really needed to drink everyday but was a binge drinker. So why did she drink so much the times she drank?

Then I read a post from fromheeltoheal and I got my answer when I read the words "melt into a puddle of shame." He describes why she drank. She was literally in that type of puddle when she passed out on a street corner at 11:00am with my S6. This was still when she was in that push pull mode before her getting her replacement to rescue her from her most recent time in jail.

The relationship ended with her leaving, and if she exhibits traits of the disorder, she did it because the emotions got too strong, the fears of abandonment and engulfment too extreme, so bailing seemed like the only choice.  And now, if she was to take any responsibility for the demise of the relationship she would melt into a puddle of shame, so it has to be all you, you're the scumbag, you're evil, you're to blame and she's the victim, not only that, she can project all of the negative feelings she has about herself onto you, so she doesn't have to feel them, she's done with them, so she's the innocent victim.  And of course if she takes that stance effectively with her friends, you'll be a scumbag to them too.

Now I have my answer. She is textbook BPD.

She is now in a new idealization stage with the replacement but I can reasonably predict when the inevitable devaluation and discard happens I know she won't come running back to me.  I am crystal clear in the black never to be white again. To her I am the eternal scumbag. She and stbxBPDmil will continue to blame me for everything.

It sure is good to know what will definitely happen next. Now I can move on... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry your daughter died SSN, that is probably the most pain parents can be in.  And a good reason to drink, for anyone.  BPD is a shame-based disorder, and if she started to accept even a little responsibility for your daughter's death, shame would show up in a big way, so all the self-medicating makes sense in that context.

To her I am the eternal scumbag.

Never say never.  Like you said, she's in the idealization stage right now, and if that relationship goes through the progression all borderline relationships do, and there's trouble in paradise, you may pop up on her radar as someone who can potentially soothe emotions, and someone with which they may still be an emotional attachment.  And if you do, she may just show up in your world as if nothing ever happened, and maybe start another idealization stage with you.  Personal experience here, over decades.  So the best thing you can do is detach fully and move towards the life you want to live, and if she does do that, you can make decisions as to what to do about it from that place.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you fromheeltoheal for your response. Thank you for acknowledging the loss of my daughter.  It was and still is a tremendous hurt.

There have been many people at this site who have helped me in these most difficult days, but you have contributed to my recovery and healing the most.

Thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you.

You're welcome.  Let's keep on getting healthier together yes?

[StayStrongNow]

Yes

[StayStrongNow]

I read once that "he loses, she loses and BPD wins.

I remember coming home from work and telling stbxBPDw that the start up company I worked for 3 years wasn't going to be paying us because of lack of funding. This is right after we learned she was pregnant. I still worked there despite not getting paid. I also moonlighted doing consulting work trying to make ends meet. I did the best I could.

Now what I have seen and learned of what happens to pwBPD under stress and high emotions also effects them physically. Our little girl never developed her pulmonary valve or artery and in place developed little tubes known as collaterals connecting her heart to her lungs. The condition is called Tetralogy of Fallot, a congenital heart defect. This is not hereditary and the doctors claimed it wasn't caused by stress. Regardless, we both wondered about the coincidence of missing paychecks and her very start of her pregnancy. Now I am wondering if these stresses where magnified by her BPD and effected our developing baby inside her womb.

I know it's pretty heavy to blame BPD for this congenital heart defect but I can't help it. This was the beginning of the end for our r/s and the start of devaluation. Of course she blamed me for her death, heck the T also said she blamed me for her father beating her so the black paint was thrown on me quickly. But now I think it was her disorder along with the trying circumstances that caused this perfect storm of tragedy to happen.

I do believe because she has BPD her body wasn't able in those circumstances to provide for the healthy growth of my baby girl. I also just cannot blame her either. I believe the stbxBPDw was born with this disorder, BPD goes back generations in her family as I have recently learned. She won't snap out of BPD and it won't ever just go away. It is just the way it is and BPD was the culprit. She lost, I lost and BPD didn't lose it's grip.

It is such a terrible disorder.

[motherhen]

The loss of a child is devastating even to a healthy relationship and a large percentage of couples won't make it though that. I don't have a lot to add but I did want to say how sorry I am for your loss.

There is much evidence that the prenatal mental health of the mother does impact the developing child. Mostly regarding emotional well being but we don't exist in a vacuum. What affects our brains also affects our bodies and changes the expression of certain genes that might be harmless unless triggered but when triggered can have catastrophic effects.

My heart breaks for you. You all lost so much and nobody wins.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you motherhen.

[StayStrongNow]

Never say never.  Like you said, she's in the idealization stage right now, and if that relationship goes through the progression all borderline relationships do, and there's trouble in paradise, you may pop up on her radar as someone who can potentially soothe emotions, and someone with which they may still be an emotional attachment.  And if you do, she may just show up in your world as if nothing ever happened, and maybe start another idealization stage with you.  Personal experience here, over decades.  So the best thing you can do is detach fully and move towards the life you want to live, and if she does do that, you can make decisions as to what to do about it from that place.

With the exception of some divine intervention event, perhaps a T diagnosis of "spontaneous remission" from her BPD, there will never ever be another recycle. When and if she tries to get me back under any circumstances, I will push her away. I don't love her anymore, she's not my type, I see now she never was.

I really hope she doesn't try.  I have seen her past and the fact is she is incapable of dealing with abandonment, her reactions have led to the most horrid episodes. I don't want to put my three beautiful children, D10, D8 and S6 through any more.

I need to think of my experience as a gift to assist me in my detaching. I was attached, for too long after being discarded, further devalued and painted blacker and blacker and I still stuck it out.  I was drawn to that magnetism of charm the stbxBPDw seemed to have power over me. I read these posts of all the hurt and seemingly at the moment, destroyed people and I know I have been there done that.

So I really do believe I am being released from her emotionally and the process is moving forward.  My journey has progressed perhaps half from her being so mean and unreasonable and the other half of me just determined to leave her behind and move on.

[heartandwhole]

StayStrongNow,

What a horrible loss, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter.   

And then having to endure the breakdown of your relationship on top of that, complete with BPD splitting and projection... .I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.

You sound very centered and determined to move forward, SSN. I admire your courage.

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to think of my experience as a gift to assist me in my detaching.

Or you could realize the gift is at the end and use it as a goal, as you grieve the loss of the relationship, work through the stages, learn a boatload about yourself in the process, become wiser and gain experience, and then look back one day and go hmmm, I don't feel that way anymore, I don't think that way anymore, wow, look at all this growth, look how awesome I'm becoming, that whole ordeal really was a gift, one to be grateful for.

So I really do believe I am being released from her emotionally and the process is moving forward.  My journey has progressed perhaps half from her being so mean and unreasonable and the other half of me just determined to leave her behind and move on.

Progress man, that's all we need, and let's celebrate the progress a little while we're at it.  Your conviction sounds strong and you're using mindsets available to you as motivation, and good for you, whatever works, one day at a time.  Take care of you!