Do they come back after you've been replaced?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  I know she is toxic, I know she is a liar/manipulator and just a downright cruel person with no empathy yet I still find myself sitting here thinking about her all day and reminiscing about the good times.

Hey pjstock, You described that well.  You could say that you have "BPD-itis"!  It's weird how a pwBPD can get such a hold over us Nons.  Sometimes I think my BPDxW put a spell on me!  Maybe I should have kissed a Frog?  Seriously, I suspect it involves a chemical reaction in one's brain, because there is nothing logical about it.  Why do we become Pod People?

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

  I know she is toxic, I know she is a liar/manipulator and just a downright cruel person with no empathy yet I still find myself sitting here thinking about her all day and reminiscing about the good times.

Hey pjstock, You described that well.  You could say that you have "BPD-itis"!  It's weird how a pwBPD can get such a hold over us Nons.  Sometimes I think my BPDxW put a spell on me!  Maybe I should have kissed a Frog?  Seriously, I suspect it involves a chemical reaction in one's brain, because there is nothing logical about it.  Why do we become Pod People?

LuckyJim

[enlighten me]

  I know she is toxic, I know she is a liar/manipulator and just a downright cruel person with no empathy yet I still find myself sitting here thinking about her all day and reminiscing about the good times.

Hey pjstock, You described that well.  You could say that you have "BPD-itis"!  It's weird how a pwBPD can get such a hold over us Nons.  Sometimes I think my BPDxW put a spell on me!  Maybe I should have kissed a Frog?  Seriously, I suspect it involves a chemical reaction in one's brain, because there is nothing logical about it.  Why do we become Pod People?

LuckyJim

I agree lucky jim. It is a form of addiction. Like with drugs it provided us a high. Both chemical and psycological. As well as all the serotonin and endorphines the relationship released we all found our dream or so we thought. After a lot of soul searching I realised that what my uBPD exgf promised was everything that I ever wanted. It was a false promise made up with her lies and my own fantasies. Once youve glimpsed that potential its hard to let go of. You have to peel away the layers of fantasy slowly for it to truely sink in. Part of me still mourns the loss but not my ex just the loss of a dream.

[VitaminC]

It's weird how a pwBPD can get such a hold over us Nons. 

Hey LuckyJim,

it's not weird at all once you start to look at the dynamics of the relationship and begin to figure out what you got from it. It's not easy, at first. At least it wasn't for me.

No one has some kind of magical hold over anyone else. There's no mystery - the answer is in yourself, if you are wondering how your ex pwBPD "got such a hold". Find out what she gave you in the parts of the relationship and you will find, most likely, something that you were not giving yourself.

I don't think it's healthy, in the sense that it IS disempowering, to think about the dynamic as one in which one person cast some kind of spell. That's one way of talking about, sure, and as a metaphor it may feel very true.

But it's a metaphor. They are powerful things and should be used with care  

How are you doing there, ThrowMeABone? How are things with you today?

[woundedPhoenix]

I agree lucky jim. It is a form of addiction. Like with drugs it provided us a high. Both chemical and psycological. As well as all the serotonin and endorphines the relationship released we all found our dream or so we thought. After a lot of soul searching I realised that what my uBPD exgf promised was everything that I ever wanted. It was a false promise made up with her lies and my own fantasies. Once youve glimpsed that potential its hard to let go of. You have to peel away the layers of fantasy slowly for it to truely sink in. Part of me still mourns the loss but not my ex just the loss of a dream.

I think of it this way: She had the potential to be everything i wanted in a woman. She showed that and i believed her.

But... .she didn't live up to that potential

And used any possible external excuse and blame as to why not

I rather believed her then to see the actual truth.

That potential just was too much work to keep up.

[Puzzledpieces]

I've had a BPD female friend and also a male romantic partner with what I assume has BPD in my life. Currently I am NC from the ex, but I went a good year NC from the female friend and eventually I ran into her almost a year later in person, and she reached out via text minutes after that run in. I don't think she would've reached out at all if I had not run in to her. So it's hard to say if they come back into your life or try to. I think she probably feared the rejection of my silence had she reached out before seeing me. I was pleasant during the run in which probably gave her enough motive to text, but I'm still not willing to let her back into my life the same way I had before.

I often wonder if the ex will attempt contact but I keep telling myself that it's better if he never did, for my health and sanity. It's hard pushing through each day with NC but it's gotta get easier eventually:) hang in there!

[VitaminC]

I think of it this way: She had the potential to be everything i wanted in a woman. She showed that and i believed her.

And what was that, WoundedPhoenix? What is everything you want in a woman?

I ask myself the same question all the time, in case you think I am being a smartypants. I'm not. But it's one of the key questions.  

[pjstock42]

Find out what she gave you in the parts of the relationship and you will find, most likely, something that you were not giving yourself.

This is something that I've been thinking about a lot and for me I think it comes down to a few things such as validation, companionship, mutual caring, love etc. While I agree that being introspective is the right way to do this, the conflict arises in my head when I can't figure out how I could possibly provide some of these things to myself. Validation is one that I've focused on because I do know that I can provide that to myself and I hope I will accomplish that in time. However; how am I supposed to provide myself with companionship, mutual care etc? I know there probably isn't really an answer to that but it's something that I'm having a hard time processing.

[Puzzledpieces]

Yea how easily she replaced me showed me that she did not love me for me. She just loved the love I gave her

This is a great way to put it. Because they don't feel love in the same way we do, they love us in the only way they know how and in a healthy mind it's not enough.

[woundedPhoenix]

I think of it this way: She had the potential to be everything i wanted in a woman. She showed that and i believed her.

And what was that, WoundedPhoenix? What is everything you want in a woman?

I ask myself the same question all the time, in case you think I am being a smartypants. I'm not. But it's one of the key questions.  

She initially was kind, sensitive, vulnerable, helpfull, resourceful, understanding and well... .extremely attractive.
And the stories about her past made it almost unbelievable that such a wonderful person could come out on the other end... . 

But deep down, i think what really hooked me is that this person valued me. that this person choose me. it really muted all my underlying self esteem issues.

[VitaminC]

Find out what she gave you in the parts of the relationship and you will find, most likely, something that you were not giving yourself.

While I agree that being introspective is the right way to do this, the conflict arises in my head when I can't figure out how I could possibly provide some of these things to myself. Validation is one that I've focused on because I do know that I can provide that to myself and I hope I will accomplish that in time. However; how am I supposed to provide myself with companionship, mutual care etc?

Great question, pjstock42!

It's true that some things we can only get and experience through others and in a particular kind of relationship. Humans are not meant to be alone, very few of us can handle true and complete solitude.

We get companionship and mutual care through our pets, our friends, our family, our neighbours, our co-workers, random people we encounter in our lives. The companionship may be brief, but it is no less lovely for that. It's something I have been thinking about too!
We also get mutual care from all the above. And I've probably not thought of some other sources of these things.

The thing is to notice when it happens, to stop and say to oneself "ah, I just got a nice sense of companionship there, with that person who waited at the bus stop with me for 5 mintues". Or whatever, you know what I mean.

The problem is that our needs in these, and other, areas may be huge and deep and there may be things we are not aware of that are bound up with them. And if we expect one person to fulfill too many of our needs or expectations, or do it too much, then we can get hooked on someone who appears to do exactly that.

Whether they have a personality disorder or not, we need to be aware of what we need and what we get and what we give. And keep all the things in balance.

It IS a bit confusing, but not so much, for me anyway, when I think of how reliant I used to be on the applause of the crowd and how I now put far more emphasis on the pat on the back from a few close people in my life.  

What do you think?

[VitaminC]

But deep down, i think what really hooked me is that this person valued me. that this person choose me. it really muted all my underlying self esteem issues.

Yes, and ditto for many of us here.

Look at the underlying self esteem issues, start to pay attention to those and where they come from and what you can do about them.

The rest falls into place. Not immediately, of course not, but in time that is different for everyone.

[pjstock42]

VitaminC,

I think my biggest issue is that the things that I have placed the most value in are those things that can only be accomplished within a committed relationship, if that makes sense. My relationship with my BPD ex made me feel like I had figured everything out, it was such a sense of pride and fulfillment thinking that I had everything I could ever want and the idea of it no longer existing seemed like such an unrealistic possibility to me. I expect one person to fulfill all of these important needs/wants/desires of mine because I had one person providing all of that so it's like my subconscious knows that this is possible and the only way to truly bring me fulfillment in regards to these things.

I agree when you say that we get what we give and for me, the giving part was hugely meaningful to me as well. Caring for her, providing for her, being there for her etc. all gave me that same sense of fulfillment that receiving those things from her did and I placed a lot of my own value on my ability to do these things for another person. Being discarded has made me feel so useless & aimless since so much of my energy had been devoted to providing the best possible life that I could to my BPD ex and now I just feel like I have no real purpose since I'm not needed by her anymore. I liken it to being fired from a job that you had for an extended period of time and enjoyed. You start to place a lot of your self worth in the value you add to the company, the results you produce and the camaraderie formed with your coworkers. You also become reliant and derive self-worth out of how the company needs you & how they provide for you financially, then one day they tell you that you aren't needed anymore. I've never been fired before but I can imagine that these two scenarios would be pretty similar in terms of the things we lose and how easy it is to begin thinking of ourselves as worthless.

[VitaminC]

Being discarded has made me feel so useless & aimless since so much of my energy had been devoted to providing the best possible life that I could to my BPD ex and now I just feel like I have no real purpose since I'm not needed by her anymore.

I hear you, I really do. I am sorry you are going through this, pjstock42. I know it's a deep sense of loss and it takes time to heal from that.

I liken it to being fired from a job that you had for an extended period of time and enjoyed. You start to place a lot of your self worth in the value you add to the company, the results you produce and the camaraderie formed with your coworkers. You also become reliant and derive self-worth out of how the company needs you & how they provide for you financially, then one day they tell you that you aren't needed anymore.

Being needed is important. I agree. Feeling useful, special, particular. Being able to give to another human being. I guess that's what I'm saying, in a way, we can choose to give to others and then, at some point, we may have a particular person to whom we give something of ourselves that is reserved just for them.

I see that your own break-up is quite recent. I see that you have reached out to others on this board to share your own story and have given generously of yourself to help others. That is what helped me; being here, reading, thinking, talking to the good folks here, and paying attention, as you clearly are, to those who have worked hard and gained perspective on their situations.  

You are doing the right things.

You said " My only hope is that this anger eventually transforms into motivation to heal and also awareness to prevent myself from ever becoming involved with a person like this again."

To that, I want to say: It does, as long as you keep doing what you're doing. And you will.

There are, as you know, stages to grieving. And that is a necessary process. To pass through them at our own pace.

Even in looking at this calmly, we are doing ourselves some good. It's part of the notion of self-care that is fizzing on many of these threads.

We'll keep it going together, yes?

[pjstock42]

I hope you're right and even though fully healing from this seems like an impossibility at this point, I'm going to keep trying to accomplish that.

One thing that does scare me is how this could potentially change me in a negative way in the future. What if I do find myself in a situation again where I'm really clicking with someone, we seem to connect on a deep level and I feel like they care about me. I fear that this experience may make me incapable of ever opening myself up to this again because I will instead be approaching this situation like a minefield and examining this person with a fine-tooth comb to find any semblance of a red flag that I missed/ignored in the beginning with my BPD ex. Having a meaningful, life-long relationship with woman of quality is still a big goal of mine and it is scary that I may never be able to accomplish this because of how scarred this experience will have left me. I don't want to give this person free rent in my head and allow them to permanently change who I am and what I want but it seems like that may be what happens. It will be very difficult for me to willingly make myself vulnerable to someone again and I know that this is necessary for a relationship to really blossom but after what I've been through, I'm going to have incredibly thick walls around myself as a defense mechanism. If I was so incredibly wrong about this person, what is to say that I won't be wrong again?

This is a different topic but it plays into this a bit from a man's perspective at least. 50%+ divorce rate, 70%+ of those initiated by women and the financial/life implications of divorce being a huge danger to men, all of this stuff adds another layer of fear on top of what I mentioned already. It's like there's this seemingly impossible goal that facts/logic/reason/experience are telling me would be a losing proposition to pursue but there's still a big part of me that believes I can beat the odds. It's a tough place to be in and it will probably take a long time for me to reconcile this and be OK with whatever path I decide to take.

[Moselle]

I hope you're right and even though fully healing from this seems like an impossibility at this point, I'm going to keep trying to accomplish that.

PJ stock. Your fears are valid and healthy coming out of a BPD relationship. If you were over optimistic about recovery it would likely have concerned me more

However you've just said the one thing that guarantees your recovery. "I'm going to keep trying".  |iii That's all it takes. So keep that up.

You stated that you would like a meaningful life long relationship with a quality woman. What are the things you can do right now in your life to achieve this?

Bear in mind that she is already out there somewhere. What can you do to make sure when you both meet, your side of the equation is "quality" and it matches her.

Is there anything else at the moment which excites you?

[VitaminC]

I do understand your concerns, pj. Many of us have them initially and for a while. But there are success stories on this site too! People who have learned a great deal about themselves and come out clearer and stronger because of a relationship like this. Confronting what in us led us to become and stay involved, is what will protect us naturally from a similar involvement in the future.

As you work through it all, at your own pace, you will see that there were many moments in which you "knew" something was wrong or could lead to something being wrong. Probably you chose to ignore them or explain them to yourself in a way that allowed you to stay in the relationship. The reasons you did that are the interesting ones and the ones to get to the bottom of. Once you understand them in a deep way, you won't be the same person anymore, but a stronger and clearer one.

I wonder how ThrowMeABone is doing!  Is this discussion, in your absence, useful to you, TMAB?  

[True Grenadine]

I hear your pain, I've recently split from my undiagnosed Cluster B GF... .She's in intensive therapy to work out her issues... .We were NC and I broke it to handle moving the last of her belongings out.

She's already in hyper replacement mode... .It hurts...

To move forward, i learned to focus on my own healing and find happiness alone... .

I learned to let go by knowing that i will meet someone else one day... .I also work hard at knowing my own self as a tool to understand why I subjected myself to a relationship filled with BPD drama... .

To truly let her go, I focused on all parts of the relationship... .The Good and the bad... .And through this, and with time apart from her I was able to see through her human mask to the real dysfunctional person that she is... .

This allowed me to see how incapable a healthy relationship would be with her... And that the only path to having a healthy relationship with her was to engage in a lengthy period of  Counselling and therapy. I decided to go the therapy route without her to know myself so that I will have a firm foundation when I meet someone else.

As of now, I have compassion for her and also understand that I could not be in a healthy relationship with her at this time... .

This realization makes letting go healthy and possible... .I keep my time by connecting with friends and family and with exercise and maintaining a healthy diet.

Best of luck,
TG

[joeramabeme]

I am trying to work out why I even want her to come back.

Thought I would chime in on this point as I think it is important.

There ARE LOTS of reasons why you would want her back.  IMO, there is a tendency to learn all about BPD, have the veil of confusion lifted and then see so much of it all as a completely dark scenario.  It is true, there is a large dose of things that were not right in these relationships.  Conversely, if there were no good things at all, this board would really be for masochists rather than non-BPDs.

In my situation, my ex touched my heart and soul at critical places and brought a lot of love and happiness to my days. ALSO, she brought a lot of confusion and frequently unnecessary chaos.  

In a way, this type of question and the responses tends to subtly villainize our ex pwBPD partners as inhuman.  For example saying I simply can't even think of why I would want to go back.  That is not the case - at least not for me - and I suspect many of us here had some truly wonderful experiences.

The answer, for me, to this question is that I would want to go back - without all the problems and that is just not the reality of the situation.  It is like wanting ice cream 3 meals a day and saying I want to be totally healthy - it is an irreconcilable contradiction.  Wanting to go back is natural.  Accepting that going back would be potentially harmful to yourself is healthy.

May seem like I am teasing out too much detail, but I find that having the correct information ordered in my mind helps me when I feel down and blue and really do want to reach out to her - and at times I really do - and why not, she is a beautiful person - with an emotional disorder that prevents us from having a life that could have been great.


It does take time to come to this truth, and perhaps feels like a more difficult path to follow for those of us who were left, versus leaving.

JRB