Being the one doing the dumping vs being discarded why is the result the same?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I sit here nearly three weeks after having spoken to and finally telling my exBPDgf to go ___ herself,  and yet she's all I think about.

I get that being suddenly and abruptly discarded is a terrible shock to the system, with a lot of unanswered questions and pain.

I dumped her all be it in a matter that I'm not proud of, but it had to be done. I was recycled numerous times and in the end I just had enough of the push pull. We had spent almost a full weelend together. Just had an amazing time. Come Sunday night she began with pushing me away.  She began pushing buttons to the point where she insulted me. I had enough and ended it.

Felt good for the first 24 hours. Then I began having doubts. I began the whole ruminating about what she was doing? Was she missing me? I resisted contacting her, but I still check my phone constantly to see if I didn't miss a call or SMS.

Why can't I get her out of my head when I know I did the right thing by getting away from the mind games and abuse? She is toxic to my life and yet I still crave her.

I don't believe she'll contact me again as for her, the attachment has been severed.  Mine still seems to be there. 

I believe I became addicted to the drama and constant roller coaster ride.  She filled a void in my life and made me feel alive. I have to find positively to replace this,  just don't know how. If I can't get her out of my head.

[Rayban]

I sit here nearly three weeks after having spoken to and finally telling my exBPDgf to go ___ herself,  and yet she's all I think about.

I get that being suddenly and abruptly discarded is a terrible shock to the system, with a lot of unanswered questions and pain.

I dumped her all be it in a matter that I'm not proud of, but it had to be done. I was recycled numerous times and in the end I just had enough of the push pull. We had spent almost a full weelend together. Just had an amazing time. Come Sunday night she began with pushing me away.  She began pushing buttons to the point where she insulted me. I had enough and ended it.

Felt good for the first 24 hours. Then I began having doubts. I began the whole ruminating about what she was doing? Was she missing me? I resisted contacting her, but I still check my phone constantly to see if I didn't miss a call or SMS.

Why can't I get her out of my head when I know I did the right thing by getting away from the mind games and abuse? She is toxic to my life and yet I still crave her.

I don't believe she'll contact me again as for her, the attachment has been severed.  Mine still seems to be there. 

I believe I became addicted to the drama and constant roller coaster ride.  She filled a void in my life and made me feel alive. I have to find positively to replace this,  just don't know how. If I can't get her out of my head.

[Larmoyant]

Why can't I get her out of my head when I know I did the right thing by getting away from the mind games and abuse? She is toxic to my life and yet I still crave her.

I haven't many wise words for you I'm afraid, but I do understand. I've been struggling with the same issue for 7 months now. What has helped me is looking into my past a little and finding that he triggers my own abandonment fears which keeps me hooked into the push pull. His fear of engulfment/abandonment and my fear of abandonment together spell disaster. I keep wanting him to come back probably trying to rewrite trauma from my childhood. Not suggesting that you have foo issues, but might be worth exploring.

.I don't believe she'll contact me again as for her, the attachment has been severed.  Mine still seems to be there.

.

I wouldn't be so sure about this. I've learned on here that pwBPD don't like losing attachments and that it's the worst thing that can happen to them so she might well come back. It explains all the recycles perhaps? Mine keeps coming back over and over and I've had such difficulty not responding and it's been h*ll. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Rayban-

I dumped her all be it in a matter that I'm not proud of, but it had to be done. I was recycled numerous times and in the end I just had enough of the push pull.

Why can't I get her out of my head when I know I did the right thing by getting away from the mind games and abuse? She is toxic to my life and yet I still crave her.

Because it was a combination of push and pull, a built-in conflict.  Think about it this way: if it was all pull and no push you might still be together.  And notice you say "I was recycled", meaning you gave her all the power over that, as opposed to "we decided to get back together", which is mutual.

I believe I became addicted to the drama and constant roller coaster ride.  She filled a void in my life and made me feel alive. I have to find positively to replace this,  just don't know how. If I can't get her out of my head.

Addicted to the roller coaster ride can also be called a trauma bond, an abusive situation where someone is subjected to abuse with intermittent reward, which keeps them hooked, and it gets stronger with time.  Borderlines are not malicious necessarily and it probably isn't a conscious plan, she was responding to her own opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, the condition that creates the push/pull to begin with, but that's the effect it can have.

And borderlines attach to survive, and since it's mandatory, get very good at discovering a void in someone's life and filling it, to affect the attachment strongly, and then when that gets withdrawn, for a borderline's own reasons, those fears again, it hurts like hell and leaves us wanting.  So there's the project: discovering what needs she met that made you feel alive, where they came from, and how you can meet them now on your own, or at least with folks you can create sustainable relationships with.  And really, that void and those feelings have nothing to do with her, she just fulfilled them for a time, until she didn't, so if you start to separate those feelings from her, and look for other ways to meet them or get them met, she will be easier to detach from.  Really.

Take care of you!

[Bandini]

Why can't I get her out of my head when I know I did the right thing by getting away from the mind games and abuse? She is toxic to my life and yet I still crave her.

I don't believe she'll contact me again as for her, the attachment has been severed.  Mine still seems to be there.

I believe I became addicted to the drama and constant roller coaster ride.  She filled a void in my life and made me feel alive. I have to find positively to replace this,  just don't know how. If I can't get her out of my head.

Hum, i'm not sure that filling a void is a good way to see things.
A met B. A attachment is connecting to B in an abstract way(which mean that your attachment don't really have a form for now) and vice versa which is creating something, which a think we can call a "value" in your life. Now this value is representing by the B person and the attachment are taking the form of this value. A left B. But attachment don't work as if once you deconnect from something, the attachment cease to exist, because it's not only a physical process but also a mental one. Now you have your attachment with a specific form, but nothing to manifest it because the object it was attach to as disappear. A void is now in play, and attachment are now trying to lost there form. So you obsess. They are trying to detach themselves.
The process is tricky because in some way you have to gain some new mode of thinking. Attachment/Detachment do some of the work on their own, but you also have to help it. And for that you have to act with the good mindset. What i have discover, but there is certainly more, that there is two mind disposition you can take(or that are in play) :
->Control : Which in some way is just preventing the detachment process for reason you have to find for yourself (it can be running away from yourself, fear etc etc).
->Acceptance : Which will help the attachment to drop there power on your mind. We spoke that the attachment as took the form of a value which was carry by person B. And now the value still exist in your mind but there is no really support for it in the real world. By accepting the situation, the attachment will transform themselves, will transform the value because you will create a "meaning" which is no more carry on by an external object, but inside yourself.
Accepting a situation, it's not "oh i'm fine now i accept it", it's also swimming with all the consequence of your decision and accept them ("i will be sad", "i will no more be with her", "it was a ___ty relationship", "there was some good in it but it wasn't for me" etc etc)

It's when people are saying that "i don't regret the break-up because it help me to become this and that and i learn this and that, and oh i had mindblowing sex with Clara, wah my ex sucks so much, love my life now cheears ". More seriously, it will became a part of your history, of yourself. Accept that you goes through a ty situation, and as hard as it can be to accept it, yep it is now a part of yourself.

She filled a void in my life and made me feel alive.

Nop, don't go this way. One person can't do that if it's not already in the other. It was something in you that make you alive, your ex was just a representation of this.

Perhaps try some mediation in order to reduce her power on our head. Once that is done you will see more clearly and understand where you have to go.