2 weeks NC & surviving her distortion campaign

[idontcareanymore]

I've been lurking for a while and have decided it's time to contribute.

I was with a girl previously dx'd with BPD for about 4 months. I ignored the red flags courtesy of her love bombing and how alive she made me feel, but eventually her mental health issues leaked out and became too much for me to bear alongside her pathological lies, cheating, and craving other male attention. I did/do love her but I have lost 15 lbs and became such an emotional wreck I had to pull the plug.

She has a serious history of eating disorder and hospitalizations as well as severe alcohol use including chemicals and her favorite... .hand sanitizer  . She was living with me for the last month of our time together until I kicked her out after her behavior became intolerable, violent, and she confessed to drinking hand sanitizer/vodka etc and refused treatment after a few rough nights of doing everything I could to get her help for her sake beyond our relationship. I involved her family here and from another state and got the full full full story about her for the past decade and was told to kick her out so she can hit rock bottom and get treatment again since it's only when she runs out of options for stability (ya know, that whole fear of abandonment thing) that she'll help herself, otherwise I was enabling her through just trying to help because of my feelings for her and freaking out. Between her family's grand reveal and her cheating on me the final weekend together that was the final "what the heck I am thinking" I needed to get the courage to banish the demon from my home forever at all costs. Hardest day of my life. I love her and still do, but I can't do this to myself anymore.

I came to find out that while this happened I was being painted black to some of her family and people at work and thus here I am 2 weeks of total NC and surviving her distortion campaign. The family members I have no choice but to not think about what she's told them at this point because they all have been through this before me and expected this they told me so whoever she convinces to join the dark side, I don't care. She needs the supports anyway. I have plenty of physical and audio proof to defeat any lie of hers. But like an idiot I got her a job at my work around the time we started dating and just before she had the sense to quit (too drunk to go in) she convinced a few people I am a narcissistic stalker on an ego trip who attempted to murder her! It's so ridiculous and elaborate they laughed, but it's still taking time to do damage control. Luckily, I had gone to our bosses twice prior to inform them I was breaking up with her and anticipated her warpath and continued pathological lies. I was spot on... .

I am so grateful for you guys on bpdfamily who through your experiences helped me anticipate her textbook BPD behavior. I've been through therapy because of this and we even did couples therapy until she walked out the 2nd session. She changed her phone number and told some of her out of state family I am some dangerous stalker and what was the first thing she did? Called me from the new number about something irrelevant  . I have since changed my number and gone lights out - total NC. This sucks so bad.

I became acquainted with both of the other guys she was cheating on me with so that she would get the help she needs. She is now living "as a friend" (I don't care either way) with one of them in another city and supposedly doing treatment. So good for her, but as her family and I all know it's not going to last. For her it's simply about some form of stability which she'll take over anything else no matter who she really loves or what she desires. It's so sad and pathetic.

So here I am now picking up all of the pieces of my life. It's strange how much of a facade everything was. I do believe her feelings for me were real at the time, she just couldn't emotionally regulate herself and control her impulses enough to act like an adult in a committed relationship. This has been the most traumatic experience probably of my life. Here I was thinking to myself if our feelings for each other last I could totally see myself marrying her in time. The last weekend she even said she wanted to marry me tomorrow and that it "wasn't normal" and caused her so much distress so she would act out toward me. Dumb. Now it's just back to seeing what new rumors were spread about me and learning not to care if people know what the truth is and focus on my work, school, and remembering what I was like before the apocalypse.

[gotbushels]

Hi idontcareanymore 

It's quite normal to ignore red flags as I'm sure your lurking for a while has shown. You're not alone there. It took a long time for me to figure it out.

PwBPDs go through quite a few relationships and there is often a craving for the opposite sex linked to that. From what I understand, most of the relationships on a poll on this site showed that separation involved a large amount of cheating, so you're also not alone there.

It's interesting that she was consuming hand sanitiser. Trying to help a pwBPD regulate her feelings alongside eating disorders and substance abuse is difficult. It's quite clear that you've had a hard time finding it within yourself to remove her from your home. That was difficult for me to do as well.

I look forward to you sharing more of your story and seeing how your recovery develops. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi idontcareanymore-

And

Hand sanitizer!  Well, if you're going to get drunk, you might as well be germ free too... .

I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and confusing, and unfortunately not unique; as you've probably seen in your reading here so far, your story is common.

The last weekend she even said she wanted to marry me tomorrow and that it "wasn't normal" and caused her so much distress so she would act out toward me.

You gave me a flashback.  I was on the third or forth date with my ex, the first time it wasn't really a "date", it was just us hanging out together, and she said "I want to have a baby with you", this after we'd spent maybe 8 hours total together, she completely meant it, and as I frowned in disbelief, she started bawling and wouldn't stop.  And yet I stayed on... .

So a 4 month relationship, you haven't communicated in 2 weeks, and you lost 15 pounds throughout your time with her.  You do sound pretty grounded and objective about her behavior, and knowledgeable about the disorder, and you've been to therapy, all good, and how are you doing emotionally, after what you label the "apocalypse"?

Please stick around, post and read, as there's grieving and processing to do, and a wonderful learning opportunity, as you detach and heal.  Take care of you!

[freemanstrut]

Yeah... .does sound a lot like we dated the same girl, doesn't it?

Mine would drink nyquil, mouthwash - probably hand sanitizer but I never caught her with that one.  The same night we got a bottle of NyQuil once when I forgot it had alcohol content, she killed half the bottle as one "dose."  She even drank rubbing alcohol a couple of times when she got desperate.

It's some sad ___, dude.

I understand the pain of knowing that someone loves you - really knowing it- and simultaneously knowing that they are incapable of any kind of healthy relationship.  That the sweet girl who fawns over and dotes on you is capable of dissociating, splitting you black, or impulsively violating every relationship rule.

The rules I set forth for my ex, she almost seemed to use as a to-do list when I was split black or dissociated.  I will never forget it.

I feel a bit off counseling this, but right now you need to stay angry.  You need to keep the memories of her transgressions fresh, and you need to stop trying to understand her behavior or thinking in any part of this.  You can't know, she doesn't know, and you are torturing yourself if you're trying to make sense of her madness.

Avoid any contact with her or people who can speak for her.  Take this time to focus on yourself.  Work out.  Socialize with the friends you've been ignoring due to engulfment.  Maybe take a trip.

I'm 4 months out.  I'm still hurting, but I learned from my relationship and my mistakes, and my life has improved dramatically since.

Chin up.  You're gonna be fine.