I live in a school district that isn't the greatest, though interacting with the school staff this past year, they try hard and seem engaged. It's just the area we live in.
A little over two years ago, S6 "graduated" pre-K. Earlier in the year, she had talked about getting him into a good school, possibly a language immersion one nearby. I left the research to her and let her know what she me from me. From my point-of-view, she was too busy with her new life with her boy toy which she was a few months from marrying at the time, to follow through. So the day of our son's graduation, we went to register him at the default primary school near my home. I led on this, and I had already filled out the forms. Subsequently, I went to our HMO to get documentation for immunizations, and also went downtown to get a copy of his birth certificate which we had lost. She mentioned again about changing Schools. Kind of late. Her career is such that she often works along side the education community. I trusted her to be better informed to see things I wouldn't. Regardless if that's true, she dropped the ball.
Though he was far ahead academically at the beginning of kindergarten (he ended up being one of the top 3 kids in the class), we did have a couple of acting out incidents last fall. We signed permission for him to see the school counselor. We put him in a Peacebuilders program during winter and spring break.
see here for more on that program.
She had talked about him skipping ahead to first. When we took then D3 to start preschool, she talked about skipping her ahead to pre-K, which made no sense since state law forbids starting kindergarten at 4. So our daughter would have had to sit a year twiddling her thumbs? I was almost tempted to encourage her to ask to expose her, but that would have been playing games. Both of the kids are "geniuses" according to her; she tells them this. It wasn't helpful that the psych resident called S6 "brilliant" a couple of months ago. He could possibly be two standard deviations above the average IQ, but he's not genius level, which would be three. She talked again about skipping him the last day of kindergarten, and transferring him. He starts 1st grade next week at the same school. We had the orientation tonight.
She mentioned again about transferring districts. She said tonight, and she mentioned this last school year, that her husband's grandmother said that we could use her address to get him into the adjacent district which is better.
One of my concerns is that it will be in a school with Chinese (and Indian) Tiger Moms. I've lived and worked in high tech for 24 years. I know the culture. Not necessarily bad, but with an emotionally vulnerable child, I'm worried about him landing in the middle of the pack or lower. I've floated a transfer by him once in a while and he wants to stay. He's the kid, we're the parents, I know, but I'm concerned more with his stability vis-a-vis his mental health. His uncle got into the top tier university system here, having graduated from the second worst high school in the district. Scores are a valid data point, but they are also only that. I've always been auto-didactic. I'm trying to pass that on.
The other concern is the stability of their mom's marriage. Last fall, it was "I should never have left you, I went through a server depression last month, add bad as when I was pregnant with D." I later observed her treating him with disrespect and coldness publicly. At the beginning of spring, I got a call with her sobbing, and more of "I should never have left you!" This past weekend, another late night call (couched with, can I call you later to talk about the kids?). More crying. They're hurting financially. She's the primary bread winner, and she makes half of what I do. She reminded me of something I told her a month ago, that karma always comes back. I don't remember saying exactly that, but I didn't disbelieve her.
The me-her-him age spread is 10-10-10, decreasing. I started working in the Silicon Valley for a Fortune 500 tech company the year the kids' SD was born. She's expecting way too much from him, especially given he just graduated with an undergrad degree last year, and I started my career at 20, earlier than most.
A month ago, she told me she's getting a restraining order on her BIL. Her husband was cuffed, put to the ground and "beaten" according to her. She called 911 when she felt threatened. BIL fled, H was too foolish to follow the cops orders to shut up. My ex is diminutive. She called. The cops are going to default to her. When recounting this story, she also told me that she told her H later, "I don't know what I was thinking when I got together with you!" She has shared none of this with her family, because she doesn't want to hear the "I told you!" soes. She said that.
Stable marriage? I don't think so. I didn't say that tonight, but I was tempted, so I ignored her comment about the grandma's offer, as I did when she first said it months ago. I'm just going to keep shining her on for now. School starts next week. We'll see how it goes.
This past weekend, I was at a party for one of S6's classmates. The mom asked me if we had transferred schools because my ex had mentioned it to her. I replied, "no, she says that every year, " and the mom looked at me oddly and let it go. School starts next week. We'll see how it goes.
