1 year post separation and in fear of being sucked back in

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I split with my BPD ex pretty much a year ago (13months to be exact) we split for a number of reasons, just to name a few he had on 2 occasions slept with prostitutes then denied it. After admitting the 1st occasion, he was so upset and guilty... .that that apparently made him do it a 2nd time. He was also a heavy drinker, and when he drank would humiliate me, call me a slut etc. In the year that we have been separate we have had pretty much 0 contact. I messaged him on his birthday (feeling weak) and that was it. I dated during that time - couple of guys both neither serious. He had a girlfriend. I got into a semi-serious relationship and the day I was introducing him to my family bumped into my BPD ex. I went into full panic mode and couldn't even speak. He looked at me but neither exchanged words.
That was about 2 weeks ago.
I haven't stopped thinking about him since. I haven't felt like this for this whole year. It's like I can't turn it off. I have tried everything, writing down all the bad qualities and reasons why I shouldn't re-enter the relationship but the overriding qualities prevail. It made me realise that I don't feel anywhere near as strongly about the new boyfriend as I did about my ex BPD - so I (with a few other reasons as well) have stepped back from that relationship.
I stupidly messaged my ex BPD last week, just saying hey! how are you?.
As soon as I sent it I felt ridiculous.
Much to my surprise he replied, saying he was well and asking how i was. I decided it was a bad idea to pursue the conversation so I apologised thanked him and wished him well.
He sent me a few drunken messages that night that i ignored
but then the next morning he sent me a long message, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend, he wants a relationship but not with her, that he was on a date last night whilst he was messaging me and that he was so sorry about the way he treated me and he wished he could change it and he knew he had issues but he was addressing them and that he was ensuring he didn't hurt anyone the way he did hurt me but he was sorry about that. He told me how well work and everything else was going. He said in a weird way it was nice to get a message from me. He referred to me as his pet name.
-
I replied with a vague thanks for the apology and I hoped he was well and thats been it.  Silence for a week.
But my mind is going crazy, its reminded me of the spark we had, its reminded me of the great times of the fun of the excitement and most of all its reminded me of much i felt for him - my relationships with everyone else have left me feeling numb.
--
I know its a bad idea to reenter a BPD relationship but in someways i think i'd rather feel those intense highs and lows than be in a relationship where i feel nothing. I miss him immensely. I want to be with him but I don't want to take that step.
-
I don't know if i'm reading into it too much? Do you think he was telling me he was on a date because he wants to make it clear he's not considering us? Or was he letting me know he is single? i want to reinstate contact - or rather I want him to reinstate contact just to see if there is anything left there. Do I assume the radio silence is because he is genuinely not interested or am I just waiting till he next decides to reach out.

I feel incredibly lost. Even if he is not wanting anything, emotionally I have been sucked back in and now I don't want to give in without giving it 1 more shot.
Help!

[Jdgreen]

I split with my BPD ex pretty much a year ago (13months to be exact) we split for a number of reasons, just to name a few he had on 2 occasions slept with prostitutes then denied it. After admitting the 1st occasion, he was so upset and guilty... .that that apparently made him do it a 2nd time. He was also a heavy drinker, and when he drank would humiliate me, call me a slut etc. In the year that we have been separate we have had pretty much 0 contact. I messaged him on his birthday (feeling weak) and that was it. I dated during that time - couple of guys both neither serious. He had a girlfriend. I got into a semi-serious relationship and the day I was introducing him to my family bumped into my BPD ex. I went into full panic mode and couldn't even speak. He looked at me but neither exchanged words.
That was about 2 weeks ago.
I haven't stopped thinking about him since. I haven't felt like this for this whole year. It's like I can't turn it off. I have tried everything, writing down all the bad qualities and reasons why I shouldn't re-enter the relationship but the overriding qualities prevail. It made me realise that I don't feel anywhere near as strongly about the new boyfriend as I did about my ex BPD - so I (with a few other reasons as well) have stepped back from that relationship.
I stupidly messaged my ex BPD last week, just saying hey! how are you?.
As soon as I sent it I felt ridiculous.
Much to my surprise he replied, saying he was well and asking how i was. I decided it was a bad idea to pursue the conversation so I apologised thanked him and wished him well.
He sent me a few drunken messages that night that i ignored
but then the next morning he sent me a long message, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend, he wants a relationship but not with her, that he was on a date last night whilst he was messaging me and that he was so sorry about the way he treated me and he wished he could change it and he knew he had issues but he was addressing them and that he was ensuring he didn't hurt anyone the way he did hurt me but he was sorry about that. He told me how well work and everything else was going. He said in a weird way it was nice to get a message from me. He referred to me as his pet name.
-
I replied with a vague thanks for the apology and I hoped he was well and thats been it.  Silence for a week.
But my mind is going crazy, its reminded me of the spark we had, its reminded me of the great times of the fun of the excitement and most of all its reminded me of much i felt for him - my relationships with everyone else have left me feeling numb.
--
I know its a bad idea to reenter a BPD relationship but in someways i think i'd rather feel those intense highs and lows than be in a relationship where i feel nothing. I miss him immensely. I want to be with him but I don't want to take that step.
-
I don't know if i'm reading into it too much? Do you think he was telling me he was on a date because he wants to make it clear he's not considering us? Or was he letting me know he is single? i want to reinstate contact - or rather I want him to reinstate contact just to see if there is anything left there. Do I assume the radio silence is because he is genuinely not interested or am I just waiting till he next decides to reach out.

I feel incredibly lost. Even if he is not wanting anything, emotionally I have been sucked back in and now I don't want to give in without giving it 1 more shot.
Help!

[Dontknow88]

No one can tell you what to do, but advice is always around!.
You have to see who you value more and aside from value are you ready to go threw the black and white again? No middle ground?.

Time dose heal but with any relationship nothing is promised it's just a lot of taking chances and you know have the knowledge of what's most likely to come. Can you deal with that?


I wish you the best. I really do. Please be careful

[gotbushels]

Hi Jdgreen  

He was also a heavy drinker, and when he drank would humiliate me, call me a slut etc.

Receiving this behaviour from an intimate partner seems very distressing. If it was me, I would be very distressed as it seems to be quite clear verbal abuse.

I got into a semi-serious relationship and the day I was introducing him to my family bumped into my BPD ex. I went into full panic mode and couldn't even speak. He looked at me but neither exchanged words.
That was about 2 weeks ago.

Again, going through this seems very distressing to you. Personally, I did bump into my ex and it disturbed me greatly. This was about 1 year after we split. I had to get back to work almost immediately so I used that to help myself to resolve it on the spot. That was quite optimistic--didn't work as I planned.    It felt like something was sucking me into the drama. The emotions I felt when I had to regulate myself to manage my ex came upon me again. Afterward, I took a break and I still needed to put in a few hours to figure it out as it wouldn't leave my mind. I prayed a little, revisited a limit or two, wrote up a quick management plan, and it was okay after a day in terms of intensity. It more fully left after a few days. Perhaps your experience could be better than mine, some people could probably look at their ex and nothing undesirable would happen!

I haven't stopped thinking about him since. I haven't felt like this for this whole year. It's like I can't turn it off.

Being unable to remove yourself from this state of mind for two weeks, I'd consider if it was me, would concern me.

I have tried everything, writing down all the bad qualities and reasons why I shouldn't re-enter the relationship but the overriding qualities prevail.

Good effort.   Sometimes these things help. I've done this before. It gets easier later because it seems that you can just read what you wrote and get the same effect. Do you have any other ways you can exercise self-compassion or settle your own state of mind?

It made me realise that I don't feel anywhere near as strongly about the new boyfriend as I did about my ex BPD -

Well, of course! You and this new person are a different set of people to you and the ex pwBPD.    

I know its a bad idea to reenter a BPD relationship but in someways i think i'd rather feel those intense highs and lows than be in a relationship where i feel nothing. I miss him immensely. I want to be with him but I don't want to take that step.

With respect Jdgreen, to me it appears you've somehow put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable state. You seem thirsty for emotions. There's nothing wrong with that, it simply seems like it. With due respect to you, literally, as you put it, he just needs to "take that step"--voila, back in the pot.

I encourage you to be self-compassionate during this time. It happens. What else have you got going on in your life Jdgreen? How are friends, family, what else is satisfying you right now?  

I'm feeling you "must" be in relationship right now. You "must" get those feelings. That's perfectly legitimate to want. Lots of us here I'm sure can relate. Have you asked yourself why now?  


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[Jdgreen]

Thank you so much for your reply. It really is helpful. Find it hard to believe it myself but today I bumped into him at the shop. Held myself together was calm and collected but I was still a nervous jittery mess. And he tells me he has got tickets to a fundraiser for my family friend. He knew I'd be at that fundraiser and I just feel like he has intentionally got tickets for that reason. He has no links to my family friend that it is for. He acted distant and not overly friendly today. But this is what happened last time. He was cold, then turned up at my friends birthday that he wasn't invited to. I got sucked in there and then. I'm so nervous of it happening again. He holds the cards and I think he knows that he can disrupt my life so easily and if he was to try and suck me back in I'd probably fall for it

[heartandwhole]

Hi JdGreen 

I'd like to join  gotbushels and Dontknow88 in welcoming you to the site. I can understand your feelings; seeing an ex like that after the drama that you've been through together would really get me jittery, too. Once, about a year after my breakup with pwBPD, I thought I heard his voice on a train and my heart started racing. It's amazing how the body reacts to stressors, even when we feel we've moved on.

He sent me a few drunken messages that night that i ignored
but then the next morning he sent me a long message, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend, he wants a relationship but not with her, that he was on a date last night whilst he was messaging me and that he was so sorry about the way he treated me and he wished he could change it and he knew he had issues but he was addressing them and that he was ensuring he didn't hurt anyone the way he did hurt me but he was sorry about that. He told me how well work and everything else was going. He said in a weird way it was nice to get a message from me. He referred to me as his pet name.

Putting aside BPD, it sure does sound to me like he is fishing. However, nowhere in that exchange does he write, "I want a relationship with you. I love you and have been working hard on my issues. I never want to hurt you like I did before, and I'll do everything I can to make our relationship work." No, the message doesn't say that. AND he's texting while on a date with someone else.

Granted, sometimes it's just too scary to come out and say what we want, so we "fish" around to check if the other person is receptive to a connection. But in your situation, I would need to hear (and preferably not by text) something that was clear and definite.

What do you think?

I got sucked in there and then. I'm so nervous of it happening again. He holds the cards and I think he knows that he can disrupt my life so easily and if he was to try and suck me back in I'd probably fall for it

You've noticed the pattern and seen the signs. As someone who recycled when I was sure that pwBPD and I would just be email pals, I can understand your nervousness.

Tell us more about why you think he "holds all the cards." Feeling vulnerable can be so nerve-wracking. I have trouble with it myself. You have a year of separation under your belt, though, which required courage and self-compassion.

What would you like to see happen?

Have you connected with a therapist since the breakup, JdGreen? I found it so helpful after my breakup. Just having an objective and validating ear meant so much to my recovery. Also, this information about breaking up with someone with BPD was key in helping me understand my feelings and the confusing actions of pwBPD:

 Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing with this. We're here for you. Remember that you are worth a loving, kind, balanced, and fulfilling relationship. Think twice before accepting anything less. 

heartandwhole

[Dontknow88]

Hi JdGreen 

I'd like to join  gotbushels and Dontknow88 in welcoming you to the site. I can understand your feelings; seeing an ex like that after the drama that you've been through together would really get me jittery, too. Once, about a year after my breakup with pwBPD, I thought I heard his voice on a train and my heart started racing. It's amazing how the body reacts to stressors, even when we feel we've moved on.

He sent me a few drunken messages that night that i ignored
but then the next morning he sent me a long message, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend, he wants a relationship but not with her, that he was on a date last night whilst he was messaging me and that he was so sorry about the way he treated me and he wished he could change it and he knew he had issues but he was addressing them and that he was ensuring he didn't hurt anyone the way he did hurt me but he was sorry about that. He told me how well work and everything else was going. He said in a weird way it was nice to get a message from me. He referred to me as his pet name.

Putting aside BPD, it sure does sound to me like he is fishing. However, nowhere in that exchange does he write, "I want a relationship with you. I love you and have been working hard on my issues. I never want to hurt you like I did before, and I'll do everything I can to make our relationship work." No, the message doesn't say that. AND he's texting while on a date with someone else.

Granted, sometimes it's just too scary to come out and say what we want, so we "fish" around to check if the other person is receptive to a connection. But in your situation, I would need to hear (and preferably not by text) something that was clear and definite.

What do you think?

I got sucked in there and then. I'm so nervous of it happening again. He holds the cards and I think he knows that he can disrupt my life so easily and if he was to try and suck me back in I'd probably fall for it

You've noticed the pattern and seen the signs. As someone who recycled when I was sure that pwBPD and I would just be email pals, I can understand your nervousness.

Tell us more about why you think he "holds all the cards." Feeling vulnerable can be so nerve-wracking. I have trouble with it myself. You have a year of separation under your belt, though, which required courage and self-compassion.

What would you like to see happen?

Have you connected with a therapist since the breakup, JdGreen? I found it so helpful after my breakup. Just having an objective and validating ear meant so much to my recovery. Also, this information about breaking up with someone with BPD was key in helping me understand my feelings and the confusing actions of pwBPD:

 Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing with this. We're here for you. Remember that you are worth a loving, kind, balanced, and fulfilling relationship. Think twice before accepting anything less. 

heartandwhole

Agreed! This place is very informative and filled with people having the same situation or people that's been there and knows what's to come. We all care and wish you the best

[Cleanglass]

With an exBPD their actions always speak louder than words.

If he's ignoring you or not putting in the effort, then it's all a game. Value yourself higher.

The question isn't whether he wants to be with you. It's what would your role be if you got back with him?

Healthy relationships don't need highs and lows of this nature. They should be a partnership. What you're chasing is how he can make you feel and that gives him full control. Find something life (outside of dating!) that can give you thrills within your control. Those feelings are within you all the time and you can find them yourself.

Perhaps this new guy wasn't the right guy either? Doesn't mean the ex was.

[hope2727]

nowhere in that exchange does he write, "I want a relationship with you. I love you and have been working hard on my issues. I never want to hurt you like I did before, and I'll do everything I can to make our relationship work."

Man did I need to hear that today. I hear from mine after a brutal day last week. He somehow knew and texted me. But you are right in no way did he say any of the above things.  So onward ho.
 Thanks again.

[Jdgreen]

Thank you for all your replies. They have all be helpful, however I am needing a lot more help pronto!
So as previously discussed, he turns up to this charity fundraiser. It was difficult, we were both visibly shaken and nervous. We held a civilised conversation, general chit chat and the same with his/our friends who I had to cut because of him.
Then it turned very quickly into him talking about how much he missed me, how sorry he was for everything he had done and how he wanted to put things right, I said he couldn't, what was done was done and whilst I would forgive him 1 day there was nothing he could do but I appreciated his apology.
He said he lives with the guilt everyday and for the first time he acknowledged all the wrongs he did. Usually he would say 'i ___ed up' but this time he actually named the behaviours - a real first for me and quite validating.
I left.

That night I got a barrage of calls and messages about how he loved me, the other girlfriend after me he loved but it was transient 'those loves come and go, but i always love you' etc etc asked to catch up that night I said no. He was drunk.
He messaged me the next day (his birthday) said he would still like to catch up and he was confused, I said I would have a think about it and he said he would call me... .now radio silence.

Is he regretting what he said? Did he mean what he said or is it just because he's single and lonely or is he just trying to appease his guilt. I am SO confused.
I miss him a lot but i don't know what to do now.
I won't contact him so now I'm just left wondering the purpose of him saying all of that

[gotbushels]

Usually he would say 'i -ed up' but this time he actually named the behaviours - a real first for me and quite validating.

It's not unusual for the pwBPD to validate especially during these times. Sometimes they will start to support the non to let you "taste" that to get back inside. Then it stops or switches back to the abuse.

I left.

Good job. Would you mind sharing the reason?  Just curious.

Is he regretting what he said? Did he mean what he said or is it just because he's single and lonely or is he just trying to appease his guilt. I am SO confused.
I miss him a lot but i don't know what to do now.
I won't contact him so now I'm just left wondering the purpose of him saying all of that

I'm not sure about his whys. It seems you're confused because you're knee-deep in the push-pull right now. In some ways it doesn't matter what the purpose is--if they have a tendency to be a spot where they look for a recycle, they will try various things and the whys can change with the things tried. Can you see how what he does is because of what goes on in him, and not you?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jdgreen,

That is some heady stuff you are dealing with. I know I would have felt confused about that behavior, too, and probably would have been thinking about jumping into another round of trying to make it work. 

That night I got a barrage of calls and messages about how he loved me, the other girlfriend after me he loved but it was transient 'those loves come and go, but i always love you' etc etc asked to catch up that night I said no. He was drunk.
He messaged me the next day (his birthday) said he would still like to catch up and he was confused, I said I would have a think about it and he said he would call me... .now radio silence.

Thinking about my own experience, I'd guess that when you said no to his request to catch up, it triggered uncomfortable feelings in him (abandonment) and by the next day his feelings had changed to "confused." Also, importantly, he was drunk, so BPD or not, many of us do and say things while drunk that the next day we may not be able to follow through with. But I wouldn't be surprised if the radio silence is his way of running away from the danger of feeling rejected.

Is he regretting what he said? Did he mean what he said or is it just because he's single and lonely or is he just trying to appease his guilt. I am SO confused.
I miss him a lot but i don't know what to do now.
I won't contact him so now I'm just left wondering the purpose of him saying all of that

I know how hard it is to understand this push pull behavior. My head was spinning when pwBPD acted this way with me, too. I've already speculated as to why he might be doing this, but I agree with    gotbushels, it seems that his behavior reflects how he feels in the moment, and unfortunately if there is BPD in the picture, those feelings can change very, very rapidly.

You are showing a lot of strength in this situation, Jdgreen. I recommend feeling your feelings as much as you can, and not acting on them. Just feel them and let them show you what inside you really needs your attention. Embrace the parts of you that feel lost, confused, broken, or sad. Be present with yourself as the feelings move through you. Then, when you are feeling more balanced in your mind and heart, right action will come to you. Give yourself time. 

heartandwhole