Hi! I'm glad you posted. I think you, like I, tend to see this site as a group-therapy kind of thing, yeah?
I've come here with some of my deepest and hardest emotions, reading and responding, and feel like I am amongst friends when I do so. It has helped me beyond measure, and I hope will also help you.
I am so incredibly sorry that you are dealing with the weight of what loved ones in your life have chosen to do. I have experienced a similar thing as what you have shared - in my case the other person survived, but the attempt was made and I felt the same as you at the time. I know better now, however.
If nothing else, it is important for you to understand something - what other people do is a choice they make. Nothing you do, nothing you are, and nothing you say makes that choice for them. It is their choice. And theirs alone.
You are not, and can never be, responsible for what another person chooses to do. None of us are. We are all, each and every one of us, only responsible for our own actions. Somewhere inside of you I am sure you already know this, and yet knowing it doesn't absolve you of your guilt. Right? Maybe this will help... .
From what I have seen on these forums, each of us here possess an incredible capacity for compassion. We love with our whole beings, and we risk every part of ourselves when we do. We care, deeply, and fully for others - and we tend, for our own reasons, to love people who need that kind of love.
What I mean is... .we have our own types of broken-ness that reaches out - longs for - the kinds of broken-ness we choose in those around us. There's a reason we do it, and we all have to come to terms with that in our own time. I know why I do it... .I do it because if I can help someone else, then I feel better. But why? Why do I feel better? I am learning that I feel better because long ago I needed someone's help - and I never got it. I rescue because I was never rescued. I love because I was unloved. I provide because I was neglected. I self-sacrifice because I was used for another's gain.
It is painful to come to these realizations for myself, but I am glad to understand it now on a real level. Because I
know my worth. I know my value. I know I deserve as much happiness and love as the next person - yet I have sought out others who were incapable of it. And, with them, I simply relived those wounds from so long ago.
It is not
their fault that I have wounds. It is not
their fault that they have wounds. And it is not your fault how they respond to their own wounds. You can only be responsible for your own actions, your own choices, your own pursuit of your own healing. The same is true for all of us.
but right now I just kind of don’t have anyone in my life who would be overly upset on the one hand if I did…
Don't be too sure about that. We impact the lives of others in ways we might never imagine. We mean more to others than we usually know. And, even if you don't feel close to anyone today - imagine the people you have
yet to meet! There is laughter, and friendship, and connection, and love waiting for you with those who have not yet had the privilege to know you. I am excited for your future and just how much love and happiness you will share!
and on the other hand I kind of don’t feel like I have a “right” to live these days after one of the very few friends I had killed himself and left me a note to tell me it was because of me…
As said previously, you are not responsible for someone else's choice. And you certainly do not lose the right to live and love and enjoy your world because of someone else's choice. You could have broken yourself on the rocks of another person's dysfunction - and their choices are still not your fault.
The thing is, all of us here
have broken ourselves on the rocks of someone else's dysfunction. The question is - why? Why do we do it? Why do you think you have done it?
What was it that was so painful about the relationship? Where did you get stuck on it? Why did
that thing matter? What was it in you that
needed it? How did you feel when you didn't have it anymore? Most importantly, why do you feel responsible for a choice you never made for them?
These kinds of questions are what I have asked myself. And in asking them, with a relentlessness, I found myself finding the answers. They were painful, but they are true - and now I am starting to heal. The experiences that led me here were necessary because I had not learned the lessons in any other way. And that is what I remember about it and why I am thankful for how I got here.
I mentioned in another post a quote that I was reminded of recently. I share it again here, for you, because there is a lesson for you in the losses you have had: C.S. Lewis once said "Experience is a brutal teacher. But we learn, my God do we learn."
And that is our directive in this wonderful painful amazing tragic thing we call "life". We can learn from our experiences, as brutal as they may be, or we can keep repeating the lessons until we do - with each opportunity to learn becoming more and more brutal as we go.
But, rest assured, one way or another we
will learn.
You have worth. You have value. You deserve love. You know it, but you may not feel it. And maybe, like me, you may be subconsciously compelled toward some of the most broken fragmented people on the planet in frantic desperate attempts to heal them rather than yourself. The thing is, you cannot save them from themselves. You can only present a chance for healing - as they present one for you.
The only one you can heal - rescue - fix - help - is yourself. All else is just a way to mask that truth.
So, please do continue to share what you're thinking and feeling. Keep reading and keep posting. You are on your way, as we all are, and I have every confidence you will get there.
