The Perfect Storm

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I post here and make myself vulnerable to expose things I'm blind to, and also to hear things I may not want to hear. In the moment of emotion, I was looking for validation and "Yeah! Take that! Right on!". However, what I got was far more valuable.

After much thought and valuable input from the community here, this is where I'm currently at.

I emailed my attorney the following this morning:

This is a change in direction.

After further research and gaining input from several others with far more experience with divorce and dealing with ex-partners who demonstrate personality disorder traits and other untreated mental health issues, considering S2's age and attachment requirements and W's instability and lack of self-care, and MIL's assumed availability, the most I'm willing to concede with regard to visitation is every other weekend (EOW).

Visitation must still occur in MIL's home with MIL available at reasonable intervals.

If she agrees to voluntarily awarding me full legal and physical custody of S2, and EOW visitation in MIL's home, then I'll drop any requirement that she demonstrate self-care, and drop the CE.

There will be no "option" for more time beyond EOW unless W is able to demonstrate self-care, as we've already laid out before, and a CE.

My suggestion is to wait until the comprehensive response from W's attorney, and then use the above as our counter.

This is what I got back from my attorney.

I think this is a streamline approach to a complicated situation. However, I think it is likely along the lines of something that would end up being a court’s order in the event the court were to find that W (as her therapist suggested) cannot manage parenting for long, uninterrupted periods of time at this point. We can wait for the comprehensive response from W's attorney and use this as our reply.

It also exercises further detachment from W and her life where she has to be responsible for taking care of herself.

Regarding the other insane question W asked through her attorney, our response is:

It is my understanding that W has requested simply a “yes or no” to Kowalski having parenting time from now until October 2. As I’m sure you can imagine, her restrictions on this narrative are troubling, but Kowalski feels that if W is not willing or able to exercise parenting time, of course he will continue to care for their son at his home.

So I would say a great thank you for all the input.

Ironically, as soon as the emails went back and forth with my attorney, she also asked me to drop another load of $$$ into her account.

[Kowalski]

I post here and make myself vulnerable to expose things I'm blind to, and also to hear things I may not want to hear. In the moment of emotion, I was looking for validation and "Yeah! Take that! Right on!". However, what I got was far more valuable.

After much thought and valuable input from the community here, this is where I'm currently at.

I emailed my attorney the following this morning:

This is a change in direction.

After further research and gaining input from several others with far more experience with divorce and dealing with ex-partners who demonstrate personality disorder traits and other untreated mental health issues, considering S2's age and attachment requirements and W's instability and lack of self-care, and MIL's assumed availability, the most I'm willing to concede with regard to visitation is every other weekend (EOW).

Visitation must still occur in MIL's home with MIL available at reasonable intervals.

If she agrees to voluntarily awarding me full legal and physical custody of S2, and EOW visitation in MIL's home, then I'll drop any requirement that she demonstrate self-care, and drop the CE.

There will be no "option" for more time beyond EOW unless W is able to demonstrate self-care, as we've already laid out before, and a CE.

My suggestion is to wait until the comprehensive response from W's attorney, and then use the above as our counter.

This is what I got back from my attorney.

I think this is a streamline approach to a complicated situation. However, I think it is likely along the lines of something that would end up being a court’s order in the event the court were to find that W (as her therapist suggested) cannot manage parenting for long, uninterrupted periods of time at this point. We can wait for the comprehensive response from W's attorney and use this as our reply.

It also exercises further detachment from W and her life where she has to be responsible for taking care of herself.

Regarding the other insane question W asked through her attorney, our response is:

It is my understanding that W has requested simply a “yes or no” to Kowalski having parenting time from now until October 2. As I’m sure you can imagine, her restrictions on this narrative are troubling, but Kowalski feels that if W is not willing or able to exercise parenting time, of course he will continue to care for their son at his home.

So I would say a great thank you for all the input.

Ironically, as soon as the emails went back and forth with my attorney, she also asked me to drop another load of $$$ into her account.

[ForeverDad]

Please be careful not to overpay her.  For example, since you're handling the lion's share of parenting, you should not be 'gifting' her half your after tax income.  (We had one member here gifting his spouse so much money that he was sleeping on a friend's couch.)  If you're not sure what court would order in support, run the numbers with your lawyer so you get a reasonable range.

Why did I write 'gifting'?  It's because sometimes court will order support retroactive back to the date of filing.  It may resist viewing prior payments as support, instead claiming they should be characterized as 'gifts'.  When I was in temp orders, court didn't order spousal support but did order retroactive child support going back two months.  Within two weeks of the order my CSEA sent me a Notice that I was delinquent and deemed IN DEFAULT and it would be reported to credit bureaus in 30 days.  I had to scramble to borrow money so I wouldn't be reported delinquent.

Although the inclination for most of us is to be overly fair, in most cases the court doesn't care whether we're nice or not.  It's generally more concerned with the technicalities and whether some incident or behavior is 'actionable' or not.  As comment that I read here and sometimes repeat... .The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.  Ponder that.  If you're overpaying her, the court may not care about your generosity.

This may also fall into the category of Boundaries.  It's okay for you to set limits.  Of course, you don't want to be aggressive and trigger overreactions.  Perhaps the payments, even if a bit excessive, will let her current lack of high conflict will get you through this time and get good orders, just don't let any payments morph into orders at a too-high level.  I'm guessing this is a relatively short marriage and as such alimony is seldom ordered.  I believe the length of payments would be at most half the length of the marriage and generally much less.  My payments were short, just 1/6 the length of the marriage.

[Kowalski]

Up to this point, I haven't paid W a dime. She's taken money, claimed I haven't been providing her with any, but she hasn't asked for anything. In fact, I've been exercising the word "no" a lot. I said "no" on a lot of things she wanted regarding property, including a mistaken overexuberance of saying "no" one item that does indeed belong to her, but she never came back to fight for it. (If she ever comes to pick up her stuff, I'll make sure she gets it.)  For example: When she asked for one of the 3 AC units from my house, my lawyer said on my behalf "you've taken a combined $10k, including the $3,500 savings from your son, therefore you can afford to buy your own."

We were married only two years, but together for about five. My lawyer is pretty adamant that due to how short it was, there shouldn't be any payments. We'll see how it works out.

Regarding taxes, I remember a comment way back from someone, somewhere here about that, and it's on my list to make sure it's in the final judgement.

[puck]

Good! Your ex would be foolish to refuse your offer, as litigation is unlikely to produce a more favorable outcome for her, and at a much higher financial and reputational cost.

[ForeverDad]

Be aware that court may eventually make an order regarding financial issues, assets & debts, deeds, titles, house sale, mortgage refinancing and so forth but most of us have found that courts are exceedingly reluctant to enforce their orders.  They give the Ex time, more time and even more time to comply.  Meanwhile many months pass, after all it usually takes a couple months to get the next hearing.  For that reason, when you do finally settle or get a judge to make an order if a settlement is not reached, try to get (1) definite dates included for the various steps of compliance and (2) clearly stated consequences for noncompliance.  Why?  If you go back to get compliance judges typically give more time for compliance and minimal consequences.  So do your best to get consequences for noncompliance stated up front.

Another caution, don't hand over the last of whatever may be going to Ex until she has signed all required papers and fulfilled all she was obligated to do.  To show you're not being obstructive, let your lawyer hold any such item in escrow pending her final compliance.  It is called Leverage.  While disordered, acting out ex-spouses may be very messed up, they usually know the value of $$$.

[Kowalski]

I'm out and about today, babysitting as well for a friend. I'll respond more thoughtfully tonight. But I wanted to quickly ask about consequences. I've been pushing my lawyer to set deadlines and be more assertive. So far, W has dragged her feet and blown past all the deadlines we've set, but they aren't court orders. What are the sorts of consequences could be used?

[Kowalski]

So far the other side has just walked past every deadline we've set. I believe W's attorney has been apologetic to my attorney, and from the sense of things that's shared between myself and my attorney, W is dragging her feet. Avoidant!

I pointed out that W seemed so be in a g'damn hurry in the beginning to divorce, but once we did everything reasonable she asked and delivered, she's been dragging her feet.

We're still waiting for a "comprehensive" response, and I've set a deadline of EOB Monday. If we don't hear a response, we're going to submit our very best offer of EOW with a requirement of a response by Friday (16th). If they don't respond by the 16th, then we'll move forward with filing court papers for a CE and request that W pay half the cost.

In other news, I established S2 with a traditional doctor (W was paranoid and only allowed S2 to see a pediatric naturopath... .who S2 will still see... .but wanted a traditional doctor available as well) this week and gave W all the paperwork and info. I also asked the midwife (MW) to fax all the records to the new doctor. When W got wind of this I guess she freaked. I had the following conversation with the MW:

MW: 
Did W know you were going to ask me for S2's records?

K: 
I fully disclosed to her via email exactly that, results of the Dr. visit and provided copies of all the forms I filled out for S2. 




She never responds to me about anything, but I still have an obligation and a duty to keep her informed regardless.




 Is there a problem?











MW: 
She contacted me yesterday and is adamant that I not release records to you. I have an obligation to send you S2's records and I will unless there is a court order. But she is not happy.

K: That's strange. I don't understand why she would have a problem with you releasing the records. There's no court order preventing the release.
MW: 
I don't know why either. Just am anticipating some grief over it.
K: 
Did W indicate why she didn't want the records released?











MW
: No reason given
. 
Seems very strange. Just wanted you to have a heads up, not to stir up trouble. You are doing a remarkable job with S2 and dealing with all the stress.

I warned MW, who's is still friends with W and adores her, that when she does send the records to expect to be split off and blocked, never to hear from W again. I explained splitting behavior, but didn't go into describing BPD.

[Kowalski]

We finally received a response from W's attorney, and in the next post I'll put what I'm sending to my attorney to craft a response with:

My client has reviewed K’s counteroffer dated August 24, 2016. That offer is rejected. Because the parties have not reached agreement, I propose that we move forward with the custody evaluation. My client does not stipulate to the services of [mid-priced CE], and proposes that the parties use [Cadillac-priced CE]. I also propose setting a trial date at least twelve weeks out to allow time for the completion of the custody evaluation and the opportunity for negotiations between the parties.

Due to W’s work schedule beginning a new job and the need to arrange childcare, W proposes that the parties stipulate to modify the Temporary Order … as follows:

1. Mother shall have parenting time for one week each month, beginning on the first Sunday in October and continuing until the second Sunday of October. Mother’s parenting time shall continue each month thereafter, beginning on the first Sunday of the month and continuing until the second Sunday of the month.

2. The parties shall continue to alternate having parenting time with S2 on all major holidays.

If K does not agree to modify the temporary order, then the parties shall continue to follow the order as written. As discussed, W will not exercise any parenting time in September, 2016, and will resume parenting time on the first Sunday of October. This is designed to allow W to secure optimal childcare for S2.

Second, W proposes that she collect the remainder of her personal property on October 2nd, which is the next scheduled exchange date. W will provide K with a hard drive to transfer her files on the date when she removes her personal items. K may return the hard drive at the following parenting time exchange. If there are any additional files that have not been transferred, W will notify K and the parties will arrange for the transfer of the additional files.

[Then some stuff about returning keys and other minor property to me.]

... .

Finally, it appears that because W has not accepted the terms of K’s counteroffer, K has resumed a pattern of harassment designed to further intimidate, antagonize, and cause emotional harm to W. This divorce, and the choices W has made, have been very difficult for W. It is her sincere hope that the parties can treat one another with respect, and continue to focus on what is in S2’s best interests. All communication between the parties should be limited to issues directly related to S2, should occur with reasonable frequency, and should not be used for the purpose of embarrassing, hurting, or blaming the other parent. W agrees to fully abide by the terms of this agreement and continue to treat K with respect and compassion.

[Kowalski]

This is my draft email to my attorney so they can respond to W's attorney on Monday:

I can't stress enough how dead-serious I am that we must do anything and everything in our power to prevent W from taking S2 for a full week starting on the 2nd of October. This will not be in the best interests of S2 and will harm him.

Here is my considered response:

While I previously supported the notion of one week a month with conditions, I can no longer do so for the following reasons:

* The incidents or conditions when W last had S2 that caused S2 to regress, further complicating his documented social and emotional deficit, as well as caused him to start swearing in a very specific manner.
* The length of time is counter to S2's developmental attachment requirements.
* W's inability to maintain an agreed and consistent visitation schedule.
* W's lack of support for midweek communication of S2 with K.
* W's continued instability and lack of any documented mental and physical healthcare, even though she still has access to health insurance provided by K until the divorce is final.
* W's therapist's statements regarding the support that W requires to parent S2.
* MIL's lack of availability, assurances thereof, or any recently demonstrated interests by MIL in being in S2's life.

Our counter offer is the following:

K to be given full legal and residential custody of S2 as well as fully claim S2 on taxes. Visitation by W will be every other weekend. No requirement for a CE and no demonstration that W is taking care of herself. However, S2's overnight's must be in the MIL's home with the MIL available at reasonable periods of time. No provision for “options” of additional time and days unless there is a CE and W can demonstrate she is under the care of mental health and physical health professionals. Essentially what we've discussed before.

A response is required by EOB Thursday the 15th, or court documents for an order for a CE and that W pay half the cost will be filed on Friday the 16th. I don’t specifically care which CE is used. If she wants the “Cadillac” of CE’s, then we’ll specify that in our court filing on Friday stipulating that she pays half the cost.

In other matters:

K will accept a hard drive from W to transfer her files to, which will be returned at the next opportunity.

... .

Regarding the rest of her property, exchange times are exclusive to the positive and stress-free exchange of S2. Exchanges are not the proper time to also pick up her property by truck. After S2 has not seen his mother for 6 weeks, the stress caused by seeing his mother, who will be busy with packing up a truck with her property, is not in the best interests of S2. W will need to specify a different date and time to arrange the pickup of her property.

We can fully ignore the baseless harassment allegations. How would I know she wasn't going to accept our counter offer? I have ESP? Just like I have somehow secretly snuck into her therapist's office and stolen her healthcare records? She ascribes such magical powers and Ninja like skills to me, that I should be flattered. Jokes aside, I won't be entertaining her delusions or feel sorry for how hard her life has been because of the choices she so willingly and rashly made. Nobody forced them on her. I'm primarily concerned, as should she be, in the health and welfare of S2. W's attorney is doing S2 a disservice by indulging W's distortions and skewed perceptions.

I would like the following addressed in our response:

It appears that W has tried to obstruct the proper and full healthcare of S2 by attempting to prevent the release of S2's birth records by the midwife [MW]. K has consistently and promptly notified W of all medical appointments and provided all information and paperwork for S2 to W and will continue to do so. We expect W to not interfere with the proper and full healthcare of S2 going forward.

[Turkish]

(Cross posted with your last response)

I don't know if this sounds like a win or not.  Isn't every other weekend and one overnight  (in years past,  typically what would be given fathers, and better to allow a child to keep contact with the other parent each week) better?  Then 1 and 4, or schedule was 3-2-2-3, the 3s being the weekends,  because of attachment issues for kids that young.  In other words,  what's best for the kids.  

What's the deal with the hard drive?  Wouldn't an exchange of a flash drive be enough?  

Based join my experience,  weeks straight with your son will result in him bonding with you more.  I worry about the damage she could cause in a whole week.  Likely he might be crying for Daddy, which could trigger her to engage in weird behaviors,  even parental alienation, though her willingness to give up so much time is still suspect.  

[Kowalski]

What's the deal with the hard drive?  Wouldn't an exchange of a flash drive be enough?

Would require explanation, but let's just say there's a lot of data to transfer.

Based join my experience,  weeks straight with your son will result in him bonding with you more.  I worry about the damage she could cause in a whole week.  Likely he might be crying for Daddy, which could trigger her to engage in weird behaviors,  even parental alienation, though her willingness to give up so much time is still suspect.

This is a good point. Thank you. I'll incorporate this into my email response to my attorney.

[Kowalski]

... .though her willingness to give up so much time is still suspect.  

What are your thoughts regarding this?

[Turkish]

... .though her willingness to give up so much time is still suspect.  

What are your thoughts regarding this?

Maybe I'm still stuck in the thought of "what parent, especially a mother,  willingly gives up time with a child,  especially so young?" Perhaps this is the trap a lot of us fall into trying to "fix" or understand the pwBPD. I have joint custody,  but I get the kids more (last Saturday for example on her weekend). Maybe someone else can shed some light.

As for what's best for your son regarding attachment issues, it might be good to consult with a therapist. I'd process whatever knowledge you'd gain and not pass it on,  at least at this point. Gather data first. 

[Kowalski]

"what parent, especially a mother,  willingly gives up time with a child,  especially so young?"

Yeah... .I wonder that too. I guess the answer to that question is a mentally ill parent who is only thinking about themselves and/or treating a child as property or a status symbol.

[Kowalski]

K = That's me!
W = UstbxPDw

Here is our response, with some existing grammatical issues that were fixed prior to sending . I have to say now that my attorney believes me about what I've been saying, they are much more assertive, and I'm really proud that they're representing me and the interests of S2:

We are in receipt of your letter dated September 9, 2016. K and I have had an opportunity to review it. Unfortunately, rather than moving the parties closer towards settlement and agreement, W’s offer seems to do the opposite.

A. Custody, Parenting Time, Custody Evaluation

1) K offers the following offer of compromise. He would agree to W’s proposal that he have sole custody of S2. He would also be entitled to any tax credits/exemptions as such. W would have parenting time every other weekend in the home of MIL with MIL reasonably available to assist. There will be no other requirements as far as demonstrations of self-care, etc. K makes this offer in consideration of what he believes is in S2’s best interests. This proposal takes into account the concerns expressed to me by W’s therapist while also providing ample, frequent access to both parents for S2. It gives him the consistency and stability during the week while still being able to bond and grow with W and his grandmother.

2) If W does not agree to that, we can proceed with a CE. K proposed over a month ago that he would fully pay the cost of having a CE done by [mid-priced CE]. I recommended [mid-priced CE] to K, among a list of several others, as someone who has a PhD, that is experienced with custody evaluations wherein which one or both parties have anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc. K and I also discussed [Cadillac-priced CE]. [Cadillac-priced CE] is, as I mentioned to you on the phone, much more expensive than [mid-priced CE]. His initial retainer would be $8,000 for this case. It is unclear to me why someone as exceptionally qualified as [mid-priced CE] is not agreeable to W, however, if she wishes to proceed with [Cadillac-priced CE], she will be expected to pay for half of those costs. If she is agreeable to that, I can amend the Stipulated Order. If she is not, we will be filing a motion to appoint [mid-priced CE] with the parties sharing equally in the cost. Further, K’s position is that it could be harmful for S2 to suddenly have a full, uninterrupted week with W beginning on October 2, 2016 and he will not agree to a temporary order modification allowing that and may need to take subsequent action if W insists on such a schedule after having not seen her child for six weeks.

Please provide W’s response and/or position on paragraphs 1 and 2 above no later than 5:00 pm on Thursday, September 15th.

[Some stuff about property, blah, blah, blah... ]

C. Personal Property Exchange

W’s proposal that personal property be exchanged on October 2 at the time of the parenting exchange that is scheduled to occur after she has not seen her son for 6 weeks is troublesome. It has been stated in multiple correspondence that K expects the personal property exchange to be cumbersome, time-consuming, and logistically difficult. To subject S2 to that ordeal after not having contact with W for so long could potentially cause emotional distress. K proposes that W make appropriate arrangements to pick up the personal property (and drop his off) on September 25th or October 9th.

D. Other Matters

The final paragraph of your letter seems to suggest that K somehow knew prior to the reception of your letter that W had declined his proposal. Neither he nor I had any indication as to the contents of your September 9, 2016 letter prior to September 9, 2016.

Further, it would be helpful to know what W is categorizing as “a pattern of harassment designed to intimidate, antagonize, and cause emotional harm” to her. K indicates to me that he has provided me with all correspondence he has had with W since at least the beginning of August. I have reviewed that material and see nothing that could rise to such problematic behavior. If there is other information I should know, please promptly pass that along. If W finds the communication I have reviewed to be offensive, please indicate how K can better communicate with her so as to avoid instigating those emotions. K agrees that the parties should limit their interaction to issues relating directly to S2 and also hopes they can work towards mutual respect, cooperation, and compassion.

In that same vein, midwife informed K that W contacted her and insisted she not release to K any medical records relating to S2. It is unclear why W would make this demand, but K would appreciate it if she did not attempt to interfere with S2’s medical treatment. He has informed her and plans to continue to do so, of all of S2’s appointments and welcomes her participation.

[Kowalski]

I'm frustrated and feeling hopeless to protect my son. I've complied with every deadline and request, she has blown past every one of my deadlines and thumbed her nose at any of my requests.

Her lawyer has promised a response by EOB Monday.

What's the point of setting deadlines if they're useless?

I need to find a way to detach and let go to get through the next few days.

I'll post more. Just me venting.