Should I stay or should I go?

[SettingBorders]

I'm at a point of personal crisis, disillusioned and sad. But I cannot make out if this is just the temporary rush of a few week's journey or if it really has gotten that bad. I mean, I'm on pregnancy hormones, don't know if I can trust my feelings. So, thinking about the famous question: Should I stay or should I go?

My situation is the following: I'm with my boyfriend (I think he has BPD, but it's not diagnosed) for 7 years now. I'm 9 month pregnant with our first child, labour could start at any moment (what puts lots of stress on me to make a fast decision).

My boyfriend always had some odd caracteristics, which now I would describe as BPD traits (probably without pathological significance ad this time). Since I am pregnant everything is getting worse, even though we both wanted the child. The longer I am pregnant, the worse it get.

Right now the situation is unbearable. He has not put lot's of time in preparations for our child, but is accusing me of excluding him from pregnancy. These last two days he's soft-soaping me with various promises because he wants me to agree to something (getting a new flat). I don't believe a word of what he says - it's the same promises I am hearing for years.

There is only little love left from my side and I've lost my trust in him. I'm feeling so cold towards him, and I am scared I feel that way. But I'm acting kind and loving (as much as a manage) because I still don't know what to do. I swallow my anger and dispointment because I know if I'd show it, it would make everything worse. I know that not beeing plane to him is unfair. I should tell him what drives me away to give him a chance to change. Then again ... .I told him so many times in the past and that didn't change anything.

My biggest concern is the child. We have shared custody. If I go, we will start to badly argue about where it lives and how much time me and him can spend with it ... .I'm gathering some legal information, but all I find doesn't sound so positive.

Also, I feel so sorry for my boyfriend. He's a nice guy most of the times and most of the seven years we spent were good. His biggest wish ever since I know him was to have a child. And now things turn out that f***g way ... .

When I break up now I might be sorry for it afterwards. He will fight and try to change and then I will have to distinguisch if he's only doing it to win me back or if he's making some real effords. I might regret that I didn't fight enough for our family, that I have always imagined. Maybe it all gets better when our son is born - how can I know? Shouldn't I at least try? Is couples therapy and option? Should I tell common friends about our problems before breaking up, hoping them to meditate beween us? As talking is difficult, I am thinking about writing him a letter with all those things that go wrong in our relationship. So he has a chance to learn my point of view. I don't know what to do ... .

[Notwendy]

Hi Settingborders,

I want to share something I posted to another pregnant mother. I can't say whether things get better or not after your baby. I did not understand the dynamics in my relationship when I was pregnant and the kids were little. Getting T and eventually couples T has helped some. However it was many years before my H agreed to couples T.

For me, by the time my marriage was at its most strained, we had a young family. I also struggled with the pros and cons of staying or leaving- and the concern about shared custody, support. When I started MT, the counselor urged us to work on our relationship skills regardless of what the direction of the marriage went, because once kids are there, there is always a relationship of some sorts with each other, and better skills would benefit us regardless.

You BF may or may not agree to MT, but you can have personal T to learn about the relationship and what you can do. Both pregnancy and raising small children were a strain- because my H interpreted my diminished energy and attention towards him as a purposeful act of withholding love. He retaliated by doing the same to me. It has taken some work for both of us to "undo" the effects of this- but a first step is understanding that it isn't about you. Hopefully this perspective will help you be proactive in your relationship no matter what direction it goes, and not let this difference in understanding be personally hurtful.

He may be triggered by the change in your energy level and mood while pregnant.

I recall seeing on TV and the movies - where the wife is pregnant and the husband is telling her to put her feet up, being caring, running out and getting food she craves for her, being excited about the pregnancy.

Nope - didn't happen. I think my H was at his worse to me - mood wise- when I was pregnant. I expected him to understand that- I was growing a baby!- our baby. But nope- he saw my diminished energy, attention and caretaking ( co-dependent) actions as a purposeful witholding of love. I thought he could clearly see that if I was nauseous- that I was not as interested in sex at the moment- but he took that as a rejection. Eventually, he painted me black.

I wish I understood this better at the time, but I didn't, and so I was very hurt by this. One issue that I was not aware of was his making meaning out of my actions- that wasn't true and believing it wasn't true. In these emotional moments- feelings feel like facts.

It would go like this:

Me: I would be feeling yukky ( I had a lot of nausea when pregnant) and so was less attentive, but this had nothing to do with him.

Him: she didn't pay as much attention to me, she is withholding her love for me on purpose- then get angry- start accusing me.

Me: Taken off guard by the untrue accusations- would JADE, get into those no-resolution circular arguments and then finally start crying, which upset him more.


Now, if I am accused of something that isn't true, I don't JADE, defend or get into a discussion. If it isn't true, it isn't true. I can't control what someone else thinks, but when we defend something, it in a way justifies it. So I don't do it.

[ArleighBurke]

SettingBorders: How has your relationship been in the first 6yrs? Living with a BPD is hard, but if you managed quite well in those years, then maybe this is a temporary change in him? Having a baby is very unsettling for all couples - I would expect that there would be issues. Even when you deliver your baby, the first few months will still be rocky.

But this is normal for everyone and we all handle stress in different ways - in makes sense that your boyfriend's "bad characteristics" are amplified.

You will need support when you deliver your baby. I don't know if he will be ease your load, or make it worse - that's hard to say. But if you were happy for the first 6 yrs, I think there is a lot of hope!

I agree with NotWendy - he may be feeling "not the center of attention" any more. Existing children feel "off" when a new baby is coming - and there are many suggestions out there about how to make them feel valuable and included. Perhaps you can apply some of these to him?

[SettingBorders]

Thank you so much for your help.

Right now I am rather detached and communicate very clearly what I do expect of him. He's well aware that I am upset and pulls himself together. He keeps telling me his reasons why right now he can not keep up with my expectations, but that in future everything will be better. (Like he's expecting his attitude to change by itself.) I don't believe it. There will always be something in his way that stops him from acting how he would like to act. Finally, he's standing in his own light.

I've decided not to decide anything right now. If I went now, I'd regret it afterward – for never having given it a try. I just need to try, especially as we had a more or less good relationship before I got pregnant.

But I want to keep myself out of FOG. It's not my obligation alone to make this relationship work. I will take notes on how he acts towards me, how often I ask him to do something for us, how often and about what we argue and so on. I've also made an appointment with an attorney to check on custody questions, just to know what I have to pay attention to in case there will be a breakup.

My boyfriend agreed on talking about a couples therapy when these problems still exist after birth. So let's see how this goes.