Hello

[happyvegangirl]

About me: I have been in and out of counseling since a was 7 years of age. I was sexually abused for almost 2 years by a step-father starting at 5 years old. Up until recently, I was under the impression my real father wanted nothing to do with me. I was passed back and forth between my mother and grandmother, my younger sister always stayed with my mom. I was the one who had to go. I was told my mother could/did not want to take care of me. The neglect became so severe my aunt called CPS on my mother when I was approximately 16, nothing ever came of it. From the age of 5 to 24 my mother would always remind me that she did not abandon me like my father did. She would say that to me when I became upset. She always put her random boyfriends before her children. We moved constantly. I did the math once and by the time I was 19 I had moved 23 times. Now, this was just my mom not being stable. Apartment hopping, living back with grandma, etc, my mother was constantly job hopping to and still does to this day. I had absolutely no stability. So for the majority of the years I was in counseling I always talked about my abuser and how I hated my dad. I did not dare to truly look at my mother for who/what she was. I had two main adults in my life, mother and grandmother. For me to openly show my anger towards my mother, only ever hurt me. So I focused it on the other two and pushed the feelings for my mother way down deep. I'm 32 now and it's only been in the last 3 years that I really started looking at my mother for who she truly is. After all my research and reading I believe her to be a narcissistic-borderline with some manic depression and possibly something else. The problem in getting her help is, she believes the problem lies within everyone else. She is always the victim. Therefor it is out of the question that she will go to counseling to get help for her. In her mind she is fine and 100% right. Even when I wrote my divorce letter to my mother, grandmother and step-grandfather addressing all of them. She replied as if everyone in the email was against her. I told all of them why I was not speaking to any of them anymore and my mother was the victim. She needs her narcissistic supply daily, calling friends over and over telling everyone the same stories about how her co-workers are out to get her, how her life will start when her kids move out and on and on. You are there for her and if you want to be your own person in the room, you just became the number one enemy. I like to read and have quiet time at some point in my day to help me relax and try to ease my raging anxiety that I live with, she use to make fun of me for wanting to have that quiet time. She would say in a really sarcastic tone. "Oh its quiet time everyone... " and things like that. She was constantly crazy making and could not ever sit still and just be in the room. So I had gotten to a point where I could not be around her. I tried reconnecting about 2/12 years ago. I let her live with me and I drove her places and helped her move to a beach town she always wanted to move to. That still was not enough. My younger sister was living with me during this time as well. After my mom moved out it was my younger sister and I. One day my sister received a phone call and our mother wanted to drive into town to use my computer. Now mind you there were computers in her town she could have used and it was going to be almost a two hour drive. My sister came into my room where I was napping because it was a really hard week so far and I was having my quiet time and trying to practice my self care. I got on the phone and tried to explain to my mother that she can use the computers where she is, I was not in the mood for company because I was really tired and it was a draining week thus far, she got very angry and called me a Fn B and I was a horrible kid and I cannot even remember all the horrible things she said. Then she just hung up and blocked my cell and email. So when I wrote the divorce letter I had to ask my aunt to send it to my mother because I'm still blocked. That was the last conversation I had with her.
So here I am now stuck with so much anger and I do not know what to do with it. I will be getting back into counseling. I also feel like connecting with others and hearing others stories will help me to not feel so alone. This is not a topic I would pick to bond with someone over but I am deeply scared and hurt by my mother and I feel reaching out to others for help is what I need to do. I need to build a support network for myself so I don't isolate and self destruct. I only have a couple of friends because I have such a hard time with interpersonal relationships and I really want more people in my life to connect with. I did some more researching today and thought I would try this online support as my work schedule can be demanding and hard to make it to scheduled meetings. I'm looking forward to sharing strength and support with fellow people that are in the same spot. Healing thoughts~

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Happyvegangirl! 

Thank you for joining us and sharing your story with us. Those of us who are here can understand much of what you've gone through. I am so very sorry for all the pain and hurt which has been a part of your life. You didn't have parents to take care of you like parents are supposed to do. No wonder you hurt.

I had an uBPDm too with NPD as well. It is very normal as a.child that you focused on your abuser and your dad as the ones you were angry with. It was the reason you have survived. Now you are an adult with the chance to think for yourself and you are taking the opportunity to go back and take another look. It's rather earth shattering, isn't it? You mention that you are able to feel a lot of anger. Anger is often a cover for other feelings. Do you have a clue as to what other feelings are going on inside of you?

Have you taken a look at the list to the right? Where do you think you fall in the list? It isn't a linear list because we find ourselves going forward and then taking some steps back as we go through the healing journey.

Here's a hug for you! 
Wools