Tips? Tricks?

[Gravroht]

Hi guys. I've been in a relationship with someone who has BPD for 7 months now. As I'm sure most of you can relate, this has been the most fulfilling and yet most confusing and hard relationship I've ever been in. My boyfriend is one of the kindest people I know - when he's not in "episode" mode. He's an inward so there has never been any type of violence or abuse toward me. However, the problem is that he's often unable to handle me speaking openly and honestly about issues that I'm struggling with or insecurities/concerns that I have. 9.5 times out of 10 these discussions end with him acting passively-aggressively and making me feel guilty for feeling how I do and then retreating into himself and usually going into an episode - which again, is completely inward. I'm at a loss as to how to communicate effectively with him. I think that if we could just get that figured out, we'd be great. Every single other aspect of our relationship is great. We have so much fun together, we comfort each other - more often than not it's me doing the comforting which isn't so great - and we genuinely love and care about eachother. I just feel that because of his BPD he's unable to truly empathize with me and fully allow me to express any emotions other than happy ones - without him withdrawing. Does anyone have tips? Tricks? Anything would help because at this point I find myself getting so fed up with being unheard that I'm beginning to not WANT to help him through episodes and comfort him. I just want to be left alone and not be dragged into the drama. And that makes me feel like a horrible person.

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[livednlearned]

Hi Gravroht,

Inward BPD can be tough! People with BPD can be very self-referential, and often perceive things in negative ways that we might not otherwise think were negative, or directed at them. So it's possible that when you are having troubles, he feels at fault. Even if that doesn't make any sense to anyone but him, it feels real to him. When you protest that it is not his fault, he may feel that you are "erasing" how he feels -- telling him he's wrong, which makes him feel worse. We have to use some different communication skills to prevent things from getting worse.

It may also be that he needs you to be a protector figure and when you have needs, he feels angered that you are abandoning the role he has assigned you.

I have found that stabilizing the relationship and addressing the emotions are two separate items, whereas in most relationships, they can be one-in-the-same. BPD relationships do demand non-intuitive skills that can be learned and applied.

You may find that you have to change your own expectations and behaviors in order for him to get to a place where he can engage in perspective-taking.

It is possible, and we are here to walk with you as you work your way through these communication challenges. 

LnL

[ArleighBurke]

If he has BPD, then he will have some limitations. Being emotionally there for you is tricky for a "non-BPD" guy - for a BPD guy - well... .  This may be something that you cannot have.

I know whenever I open up emotionally to my BPD wife and tell her my feelings, even if it's 0% to do with her, she'll always find a way to make it about her and be offended/upset. I'd like to change that too, but I havn't found a way yet.

But everyone is different. As LnL said, there are many conversation techniques available, and learning about how their brains think can help to find the right method. Perhaps there is hope.
 

[Notwendy]

I could have written your post, as this is an issue for me and my H. When I read about "inward" BPD many of the ideas fit. Now- one could not ever guess this, as he keeps his feelings mostly to himself. Yet, I could also trigger him to rage at me.

But I didn't see this or understand it. I was raised by a mother with BPD who is most certainly outward. I didn't know her diagnosis when I met my H. It was when I began to learn about her having BPD that I started to make the connection between the behaviors.

I thought it was me, for years, that maybe because I had a BPD mother- I was causing the problems in my marriage.

Any negative emotions on my part seemed unacceptable in my relationship. Turning to my H for emotional support often triggered him to be angry at me. Yet in other ways, he has been a terrific husband and father. I also was able to be more aware of when my comments were taken personally- even though they weren't meant to be.

I think this part helped. I can tell when something I say has gone down the wrong road by his reactions. If it isn't important to me, then I back off. Sometimes later, when he isn't reactive, I can bring things up, but I also think if he begins to feel he is insulted, then he isn't going to hear what I have to say in the way I mean it, so I then tend to disengage from the conversation and not persist.

What also helped me was personal counseling, and work on co-dependency. If he was triggered by something I said or did, I felt responsible and tried to fix it. But I had to learn that his thinking, his feelings are not my responsibility to manage. Surely I don't deliberately hurt his feelings- if I did, then I would apologize, but if he imagines I do, or makes up his own reason to believe that I am doing something- I can't control that. I don't have to accept his reality. When I can be less reactive to him and let him manage his feelings, the drama between us diminishes.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I have come to believe that there are limits to what I can share emotionally. I discovered our issues after years of marriage and children. My goals were to stabilize the relationship. There were a lot of issues in my parents' marriage that did not apply to us, thankfully. My mother is a severely impaired BPD and I felt our issues were on the level of traits. I wanted to see if making changes in myself - dealing with my contributions to the dysfunction could lead us to being more stable.

I agree with lnl- that stabilizing and sharing emotions may be two different things. We are much calmer, more stable when I just don't. Now, my H knows the difference though and sometimes expressed upset that I don't try to "talk" to him like I used to, but I can also see his stress levels go way up if I even begin to try. From observations, he is much more calmer when we don't have deep emotional conversations. I have also found that he does seem to talk to me more now that I don't emotionally lean on him.

I also don't think one person has to meet our emotional needs. I keep strong boundaries around my marriage, but sometimes will share negative feelings or frustrations about something with a female friend. I have also shared with a counselor and a 12 step ( co-dependency) sponsor. Speaking to a counselor has helped me with my own need to talk about feelings.

I do feel some sadness about this, but I also know that it wasn't worth breaking up a family over, tossing all the good out. So I do own this choice I made, to be stable, focus on the good. I think this is a choice we all make and it involves many things: the relationship, how impaired the other person is, our own contribution to the dysfunction, presence of children, finances.

I think understanding how my negative feelings, ideas and even opinions are interpreted as personal insults, not taking his reaction personally and not being reactive myself have been the most helpful.

[Notwendy]

Here are some ideas that helped-

Avoid the word "you" as much as possible. If you need to say something, express it from the standpoint of "I". Instead of something like " you are... ." make "I am feeling ____". This takes some creativity but helps those of us who tend to be focused on other people's feelings. Take the focus off him, and on to you.

You would be surprised at what can be interpreted as a personal criticism. If I say something critical about anything connected to my H, even if it isn't about him, he sees it as being something critical about him. If we are discussing the news, and I think he said something inaccurate, he sees this as me telling him he is wrong- to something about him is wrong.

Something can be taken personally even if we both agree on it. I have in the past said something about one of his family members- who he doesn't like and says critical things about too. But if I say the same thing, he takes it personally. Politics- there are pros and cons in the news about both of them, and we are actually voting for the same one, but if I bring up something negative about the candidate, then my H gets defensive and acts hurt.

This doesn't mean I walk on eggshells, but I am tuned into the direction of the conversation. One clue is that it begins to go circular- and my own frustration. At that point, I choose not to continue. I used to think my H wasn't listening to my point of view, but later he often comes back in agreement. It is in the moment that he isn't able to acknowledge that.

Suggestions can be interpreted as criticism. It has been frustrating that, if I make a suggestion, my H tends to counter it with the opposite. I often accommodated that- as a way to keep the peace. But I realized that is just how he is.  Once I wanted to paint the walls, I showed him the paint chips. His response was negative. So I changed to his idea. Later he said "I liked yours" but couldn't agree in the moment. Now, I make a suggestion, listen to the opposing response. If it is genuine, he sticks with it. If not, he sometimes comes back with my suggestion as his idea or agrees with me. Yes, this sounds like a game, but it is about accepting how he processes my suggestions. He needs more time to process them than I do with others.

Once I made a suggestion to my mother about some work being done on the house. It came from my own experience, something I wished I had known, so I passed it on. She dysregulated. What she heard was me telling her she didn't know what she was doing and that I thought she was incompetent. I didn't say or think any of those things. I have learned to not give advice without being asked for it. That is, in general, a pretty good rule to follow with people.

Instead of wanting to somehow "fix" my H ,not have him feel or think these things about me, or want him to do something I am not sure he can- listen to me when I am emotional ( I think it makes him emotional) I have tried to give him the space to be him, to feel what he feels and then take the time to process what I actually said. Couples counseling has helped with that as well. He refused for years, but I found that having a moderator helped keep our conversations on track. If I have something really difficult to discuss, I would make an appointment to do that.