Randomly crying over her again.

[Indifferent28]

I haven't posted here in a while. I thought I was getting better and more accepting but I find myself breaking down at the most random of times. I'm crying over her, and we don't even have contact. It's been about 5 or so months of complete no contact and early next year will make 2 years since we broke up.

I try and try to get better, but God I feel so empty right now.
I feel even worse knowing how she hasn't reached out to me. Even worse than I would if she had reached out/lured me back in for her ego, if that makes any sense.

She is still with the replacement, and even after it seeming as if they split a few times they appear to be doing good from what I've heard.
I don't understand it. I can only distract myself in so many ways with things, and I just come home and when I am here alone, everything just hits me. I try to stay with friends, or get out and go do things to occupy myself but I know that is all just a temporary masking of the problem. I miss her so much. I know we could probably never ever forgive each other, and I'd never be able to love her the same.

And that is just what kills me. I feel so depressed right now and I can't stop crying.
When I think I have progress, I feel like the missing of her comes back and hits me ten times harder.

[C.Stein]

I miss her so much. I know we could probably never ever forgive each other, and I'd never be able to love her the same.

I understand where you are coming from ID28.  There has not been a single day gone by that I have not found myself with tears in my eyes on numerous occasions ... .now 15+ months since the final introduction to the trashcan.   This is almost certainly due in part to depression as a result of the relationship and loss of her and the future I once believed we could have shared together.   The single most difficult thing for me to come to terms with and accept is the woman I fell in love with is not a true representation of her whole self.  I spent so much time and energy convincing myself the illusion of her I had built around her was true, it has been incredibly difficult to pierce that illusion and see/accept reality.  It is also due to the feelings of loss and pain that still reside deep within me.  While I have almost reached the end of the tunnel, there are still times when the pain and anger burn within me.

The pain and hurt run deep and accepting what has happened is hard, perhaps even one of the hardest things you have ever faced.  You are absolutely correct in one thing though ... .it will never be the same even if you were to get back together.  Further, for all the moments of happiness, how many were there of fear, anxiety, anger and pain?  It is all too easy to minimize the things that hurt and damage you when you are feeling alone.

It does get better, but only if you accept her for who she truly is and not for who you want her to be.  Once you can do this you will find yourself seeing her as essentially a stranger.  Also stop keeping tabs on her, you only serve to increase your pain by doing so.

[Skyglass]

Hi Indifferent28,

One of the things C. Stein mentioned in a reply to your post was "Further, for all the moments of happiness, how many were there of fear, anxiety, anger and pain?" IMO, this is important to help with the grief process. I was stuck for some time ruminating over all the "good things." One thing that helped me was writing a list of every single "bad thing" that caused me anxiety, anger, confusion, pain, etc. that took place with my ex in the r/s. When I was able to see it visually on paper (almost 3 pages worth), it opened my eyes to what I had been really dealing with for so long. It was like mentally purging as well. Everyone has different strategies for dealing with their acceptance and where they are with their healing. But sometimes the visual backup helps.
I hear you loud and clear when you talk of the emptiness. I too have been 5 months of NC. Sometimes it felt like the silence was deafening. And my mind was in a hamster wheel trying to figure out what the heck actually happened as well as boiling down to just plain missing my ex even in all his twisted and beautifully dark ways. But more importantly, You are what is important now. You take priority. You are strong.  I think it is wonderfully strong that you have been getting out and joining friends, etc. You should give yourself big kudos for being able to do that! That is a big deal! So try not to be so hard on yourself because it does seem like you are making headway even if it doesn't feel like that from your perspective.
HUGS!

[Indifferent28]

C. Stein,

I'm sorry you feel the same pain because I know how burdening it feels. How long of the 15 month split has been no contact for you? You're right about the illusion of the BPD being the hardest thing because its as if you have been in a dream, loved the person in the dream, then awoke and realize they never existed. Except for us, its much harder than a dream because the actual set of events occurred in reality, but the way we perceived our BPD partner was much like a dream or an illusion. How does one get over that... .that feeling of feeling as if you loved something that never existed? Do you ever feel guilt on your part from the relationship? A lot of my guilt resides on the fact that I feel i was too closed off at certain points, and had I opened up more, maybe we could've worked. But the truth is, regardless of what I did, how perfect I would've been, she would've still left me eventually. As that seems to be what all BPDs eventually do.

"Further, for all the moments of happiness, how many were there of fear, anxiety, anger and pain? " I can honestly say in the first few years before she got on anti-depressants, things were much better. It seems when she got on them, that's what really kicked in her BPD. And since she is undiagnosed, it progressed as it went on and we got worse from there. I do think of these bad times but when i think of them, i find myself remembering ME as being the bad guy. I know that wasn't always the case and her victim mentality lead me to feel the way i feel now. But it's just a constant struggle of the guilt.

So you see your BPD ex as a stranger now? Certainly, seeing her as she truly is IS helping me a lot. Finding this board and discovering what BPD is and how she fits the criteria has helped me so much in understanding her. Sadly, it also makes me compassionate and hopeful she could get better but i know it doesn't just work so easily. And from the BPDs who go through counseling, it still seems they show so many of the symptoms. But the entire BPD thing does depress me to no end knowing i guess i never really knew her, and she never actually meant anything she told me.
It's a hard realization but you're right in that is what it takes to move on.

Every day, i almost feel as if i am thinking about someone who is a fantasy, and that i never actually knew. just a dream.

[Indifferent28]

Skyglass,

Thanks for your reply. Like i just told C. Stein, I know there were far more happiness moments in the first few years. Once she was on anti-depressants, it seemed to basically kick her BPD into full force. It actually made her MORE depressed and angry. But yeah, the last few years, specifically the last year, it was rough and bad. I know that wasn't healthy. But as I said to C stein as well, much of my remembering of events remembers ME being the ass. I know this is because of BPDs victim mentality and always switching the tables to make you feel like the ass even if they started the argument like a child for attention. But I still feel so guilty for ever speaking to her or acting the way I did. I always feel as if I was this or that, we could've lasted but i know even the most perfect of people will get left by a BPD because that is what they do.

Lists sound like a good idea of starting. However, i feel that puts her into my head even more so it ends up being counterproductive to me.

What was your last form of communication with your ex? Text, in person, etc? How did the conversation go?
My last conversation was during a few day break up with her replacement, and now i see that it was simply her wanting to be soothed because she was hurting, not because she genuinely missed us. It is typical BPD behavior I guess.

Thanks for the kind words about me getting out and getting better. Means a lot to hear. It is strong that you've progressed so much to see from outside the box, and how his actions weren't ultimately healthy for you. You seem to be taking the right steps.
If he would text you tomorrow, what would you do?
*HUGS*

[Warcleods]

You are absolutely not alone.

I haven't been crying over her but I am obsessing mentally over her.  I have fallen into a bit of a depression, stopped working out, not being as productive at work.  I am not enjoying this.

I have had some personal moments of enlightenment regarding myself and how I got into this situation but it is not easing the pain I am feeling.  My mood has been stable in the $hitty position.  I don't know if this a normal process or not.  One thing I will not do is reach out.  I have contemplated it but when I do that, I have just thought of all of the emotional BS she has put me through and then have no desire.  If I am the one that ended this mess, why am I so damn sad?  I think I would be relieved but I am feeling anything but... .

[Indifferent28]

Warcleods,

It definitely does seem to be "normal". With any break up that was serious, people generally feel pain. But from what I've read and heard, it is harder with a BPD break up due to the extreme highs and lows experienced in those relationships, because it is almost like an addiction.

How long have you two been broken up? How long of no contact?
You are right about one thing... .DO NOT REACH OUT. The feeling you'll get when they reply (if they do) with this nonchalant tone towards you will crush you. It will feel like a stranger talking to you because it basically is. It's hard not to do when you're alone and sitting there missing them... .but once you get that "fix" of their reply, it eats you up inside because of how they respond so emotionlessly.

You're having regrets because you aren't the BPD one so you can't just turn off your feelings at the flick of a switch like they can.
Im sorry youre going through this, but i think it is normal to some degree, especially if it is fresh. Ive gotten much better since when we first broke up but i still have days where i don't want to leave bed.

People that say "Just find someone else." don't really understand love or the concept of what dating someone with BPD emotionally does to you.

[Warcleods]

No contact since 11/4.  Yes pretty new, I know.  I am not going to reach out.  I have contemplated it but I will not.  There is no point.

I think I had a unique BPD more of a WAIF.  She definitely didn't rage or use anything against me but HIGHLY manipulative, sometimes cold, callous, flighty, impulsive, indecisive, several mood swings from high to low sometimes within the same day, sex addict including porn, EVERYTHING was always sexual with her.  Oh and a compulsive crier.  I think she cried everyday of her life and then 2 hours later would be happy and on top of the world.  At the same time, this confused creature made me feel so good about myself.   This woman couldn't even figure out what to buy at the grocery store, it caused her to clam up, get anxious and would be a trigger for her.  I must give it to her though, she did warn me many times that she is a very difficult person.  I highly suspect she was diagnosed BPD but is guarding that secret very closely.

What I found the most disturbing about her is that she disconnected any emotional connection to sex.  To her, it was purely fun and no emotional bond behind it.  I did not like that.  

I have absolutely no interest in replacing her.  I am not ready for that and it would NOT be fair to whoever would be on the other end.  

Basically, this just sucks.  I feel your pain too man.

BTW:  Nicotine leaves the body in three days.  How long does it take for the BPD sludge to exit the system?

[CooperD]

''indifferent' I understand your pain completely.  

I was lay in bed for almost a full week, unable to function at work and almost breaking down, having to get an appointment at the doctors for urgent help due to my anxiety and panic.  I could not get her out of my head - i messaged her / begged her / pleaded with her just for 5 minutes to talk to her after she had from nowhere just ended our  5 year relationship (1 year of marriage) by flying to the UK and dropping divorce papers on me.
She did not respond to anything and blocked me despite knowing my hurt and sorrow.

When she eventually replied it was to threaten me with harrasment/stalking and threatening to compromise my career.  Her final words "GET OUT OF MY LIFE".

As you describe  it is like a stranger responding to you and it is horrible.  I had my hopes up that she would respond positively but the same rage and anger as I have suffered from for years was there in every one of her words.

Indifferent - the lesson I have learnt this week is to focus 101% on myself and getting myself better.  The more I focus/think about her the weaker I feel and become.  Its hard to say this about someone you loved and love but I am doing everything now to try to see her as my enemy so that I can try to detach myself.  

 

[Skyglass]

Indifferent28,

In answer to your questions, my last contact with my ex was a text 1 week after he broke up with me. He was completely different- no emotion, and spoke like one does if you're sitting in a business meeting. A month later I sent him a message trying to amend things so we were on good terms. I told him I loved him and that I wished him well. I was blocked by all means of communication and completely ignored as if I never existed. This was extremely weird b/c my ex was extremely clingy throughout our r/s and I was never the one to try and run after him. So he had no reason to block me. That really really hurt me. To this day I don't know if he truly received that last message.
You asked if he were to contact me what would I do? What I would probably feel like doing versus what I would actually do are pretty different. I feel like I would want to talk to him like I do an old friend but I realize that is just fantasy for me b/c nothing will ever be the same with him. So I have made the personal decision to never speak to him again. I have come way too far in my recovery (and spent too much money on weekly therapy sessions... .haha) since we broke up to ever speak to him again. My life is now a clean slate with no toxic people or r/s now.  And I have just started to see this as a new beginning, a second chance in life. I am totally working on Me and do things for Me only now. Ive even decided to not date for a long time until I know I am truly "all together."
I know now that nothing I could have done would have saved the r/s. Sure I could have acted differently and maybe it would have prolonged the inevitable. I also felt an extreme amount of guilt like you speak off. I wondered if my r/s could have been better (and saved) if I hadn't needed my space and some distance throughout the r/s. Personally, I realize I was carrying on with a mature r/s in my head but he was carrying on with an immature r/s in his. Perceptions of reality are completely distorted in persons with this disorder. And in the end, his perception of reality was absolutely delusional.
I often feel too that my ex and r/s was all one big dream. And that's still tough to wrap my head around. However, months out of the r/s and I see just how toxic it all was. We had some amazing times together throughout the years but the r/s was slowly killing me off... .like my life force was being sucked out of me. I have had to work extremely hard over the past few months to work on healing and recovery.  It is a process and one I still go through and work on daily.

[Sluggo]

urther, for all the moments of happiness, how many were there of fear, anxiety, anger and pain?  It is all too easy to minimize the things that hurt and damage you when you are feeling alone.

It does get better, but only if you accept her for who she truly is and not for who you want her to be.  Once you can do this you will find yourself seeing her as essentially a stranger.

Great point! Accepting who she is and not the fantasy I have made... .

[IamGrey]

I've felt that pain and it does get better but only if YOU want it to.
You won't heal until you let her go. May I ask as to how exactly are you in 'complete NC' when you're still aware of what's happening in her life?

[Warcleods]

Skyglass,

You've made great decisions.  Be proud of yourself.  I think choosing not to date until you feel that you are completely whole is a admirable decision.  I feel the exact same way about myself.   I've also decided to stay away from meeting people online.  I have had a history of that and it's purely on the basis of physical attraction.  After the experience I have gone through, physical attraction has been bumped down a few notches on my dating priority list.  In addition, I am much more than a few pictures and a paragraph.  Dating mediums are filled with people that lie through their teeth.

Anyway, good luck!

 

[statsattack]

Love this thread. This thread has shown me my biggest mistake was not finding this site sooner. Feel like you guys are in the same boat as me

[butters]

"What I found the most disturbing about her is that she disconnected any emotional connection to sex.  To her, it was purely fun and no emotional bond behind it.  I did not like that."

I also found this to be true.

There was a distinct lack of emotion or bonding between us even though the sex was plentiful and varied (and a little too submissive for my liking). For someone who had a heck of a lot more sex than me, I found her view of sex a little reserved and bashful with many hang ups. Maybe that was because she told me that she barely had sex sober.

I think writing down all the bad points about the relationship will be a great help in untangling fantasy and reality. I'm gonna go ahead and try that.

[Warcleods]

"What I found the most disturbing about her is that she disconnected any emotional connection to sex.  To her, it was purely fun and no emotional bond behind it.  I did not like that."

I also found this to be true.

There was a distinct lack of emotion or bonding between us even though the sex was plentiful and varied (and a little too submissive for my liking). For someone who had a heck of a lot more sex than me, I found her view of sex a little reserved and bashful with many hang ups. Maybe that was because she told me that she barely had sex sober.

I think writing down all the bad points about the relationship will be a great help in untangling fantasy and reality. I'm gonna go ahead and try that.

Well, my ex upwBPD told me some pretty irresponsible things she did in her early 20s.  I supposed when one sleeps with so many people, they lose count (literally), it's reasonable to conclude that it's emotionally numbing and disconnecting.  Another HUGE red flag I ignored.  She uses sex and seduction to get what she wants.  Plain and simple.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are suffering. I cry over mine too. Its been 2+ years. All we can do is be our best selves and soldier on. They have their journey and we have ours. Hugs

[Skyglass]

Thank you Warcleods! What you wrote means a ton to me. 

[Warcleods]

Thank you Warcleods! What you wrote means a ton to me.  

You're not alone my friend.  I happen to be the type of male where sex means a lot to me and I don't find sleeping with random chicks appealing at all (when I was younger I did).  The thought of her being with someone else would produce pain inside of me.  As I thought about it more and more after the FOG started to clear, the disconnect and lack of emotion actually bothered me.  At the time, I was simply captivated by all of the other BS she fed me and chose to ignore it.  I specifically remember having several conversations with her about sex and she would tell me in detail that during it, she only focuses on herself.  As Pretty Woman on here says frequently "Actions over Words."  Her words were quite the opposite of her actions and that's something I've learned.  

[Indifferent28]

Damn, these replies are killing me.

I am going to PM some of you to your replies if you want to privately chat because my messages would be too long to reply to a few of you and would flood this board.

But in response to what a few of you said about your BPD not connecting during sex... .Mine was totally opposite. I felt every ounce of feeling she felt for me during intimate moments. The closest I could possibly feel to another human being. She certainly was never emotionally disconnected. A large part of my guilt stems from ME being emotionally distant much like some of your describe your ex as being. But that was just because like one of you said, CONSTANT CRYING then snapping back to being okay 20 minutes later. It got to be TOO MUCH.


I really thank you guys for your replies. I am sad that so many people feel the same pain but glad to know we find comfort in each other on this board by people who understand.

And to the user Iamgrey, we are in no contact but i still work with people she knows as we used to work together and occasionally they will comment about her and something she posted. They're basically in shock at her drastic change and the person she has become now because she use to be polite, shy, reserved and had a kind heart. Now, shes totally changed. They're unaware of Borderline Personality and i only mentioned it to a few of them. But they all see her strange behavior without being aware of BPD.

[IamGrey]

Could you not ask your co-workers to refrain from talking to you about her? I asked my family to do this, before they themselves ceased all contact with her after realizing just how unstable she is.
Not knowing a single thing about her current life (nor wanting to) has proved hugely beneficial regarding moving on.