New here

[sms2099]

 I just discovered this sight and message board. I ended up here after a particularly difficult day. I am married to a man that I suspect may very well struggle with BPD. Just a couple of weeks ago, he had an appointment where he had a comprehensive psychology evaluation. The testing was done by a neuropsychologist with many years of experience. My husband will go back to get the results next Wednesday. Despite, not knowing yet, I believe that he fits the criteria. (I actually encouraged my husband to seek testing after a couple of counselors suggested it. One counselor said that my husband seems to be displaying symptoms of borderline. Another counselor said, "A clinical psychologist could help him. Maybe there is something he hasn't learned along the way."

I came here seeking support, because my relationship is very unstable. He has numerous jobs. He has been fired, or quit without notice, at least a dozen jobs during our 18 year marriage. Each period of unemployment has left our family of five in the lurches (financially). Many of these jobs were professional and well paying. I have become extremely frustrated and discouraged by this. Furthermore, I have lost faith in his ability to maintain stable employment. Even more challenging is the emotional toll this plays on our relationship.

Here goes... .todays challenging experience. I sought help for my marriage today from my clergy. My husband and I went in to talk to him together. My husband repeated told the clergy that he felt that I criticized him all the time. He continued to say that he felt rejected and judged by me.

I attempted to tell the clergy that my husband viewed almost everything I say as criticism and that I felt at a loss. I often feel that there is nothing safe for me to say. If I even feel a little grumpy or stressed (not by my husband), he says that I am coming down on him. I tell my husband that I recognize and have compassion for his feelings, but he wants me to say that I am wrong and take blame for everything. I agreed to try to be kinder in my words but sometimes I get frustrated or upset and it is hard.

Here is the kicker. The clergy said that I was being harsh and insensitive. He completely and totally took my husbands side. He said it wasn't enough for me to acknowledge his feelings and that I needed to watch what I say. The clergy called me cutting and hurtful. I tried to clarify, but he cut me off.

I felt hopeless and devastated after the session. In a sense, I felt crushed. I went to seek help for my marriage, but I felt that my spiritual leader didn't believe me. My husband puts up a tragic and sensitive front, but I know better. I feel misunderstood and hurt by this. I went home and cried, then I came upon this website.

Sorry this is so long.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Namamama]

Oh that is tough!  You responded to mine and after reading your story I know you get it.  Sounds like your husband is gas lighting you!  Taking all your concerns and turning it into your fault!  Well, not having a spouse that you can talk to is very lonely and isolating.  Do you see a therapist?  If not, I would find someone.  One good thing about my therapy (although as I said, I'm on a break) is that most of it was just for me.  And so I was heard (finally!) and that helped a lot.  He came to some sessions after I'd been going for about a year and although she was fair to both of us, she definitely didn't fall for his shenanigans.  But it didn't work out to keep up couples therapy because he was "too smart" for her.  Reality was he didn't take anything she said to heart.  If not therapy, maybe see another clergy person at your church (or another of the same denomination) just on your own?  So cathartic to be able to get your point of view out to someone and have them listen! 

[BowlOfPetunias]

I think that this situation depends on what denomination you belong to.  Some churches are much more patriarchal than others.  If you belong to one of those churches, it is no wonder that the clergyman took your husband's side.  You are the wife and you are there to obey him, right or wrong.  Wives should stay with abusive husbands because marriage is a sacred, everlasting bond before God and divorce is therefore always wrong--even if you are married to a psychopath.

Other churches are more egalitarian and believe that marriages should be partnerships. They would like to help keep families together, but they recognize that there are times when ending a marriage is the best option for everyone involved, including any children.

My point is that you should take what the clergyman says with a grain of salt and may need to consider getting support from someone of a more egalitarian denomination or from a non-religious source.

[Mutt]

Hi smsm2099,



I'd like to join   Namamama and   BowlOfPetunias and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you and your family are going through a difficult period. I can relate with your post, it reminded me of my counsellor sessions with my ex wife and the frustration, hopelessness and anger that I felt when I was accused of being the "bad guy" Some of that anger was because I felt like we were making very little progress and the counsellors kept taking my ex wifes side, if I think about it today, it's not problem solving when you're blaming one partner, it takes two people to be in a r/s. That being said.

My husband repeated told the clergy that he felt that I criticized him all the time. He continued to say that he felt rejected and judged by me.

I attempted to tell the clergy that my husband viewed almost everything I say as criticism and that I felt at a loss.

BPD is a persecution complex, the person suffering from BPD believes that their circumstances are externally caused by others. Your H is probably not aware of the dynamic, I think that it helps to understand what's going because you can identify it in real life and not get caught in these traps, you're triangulated, your H is casting you in the role of persecutor and the clergy is rescuing your H, your H is cast in the role victim. A pwBPD ( a person with BPD ) will usually cast themselves in all of the corners of the triangle, the person seldom will hold the position of persecutor and mostly hold the position of victim. To break this dynamic is to not take sides with your H or the clergy, perhaps say something objectionable, something that gives a little validation to both your H and the clergy but doesn't validate the invalid, the position is to stay in the middle when either side is extreme or polarized because it causes unnecessary drama.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

You may find TED interesting where it reverses the roles into more positive challenger and coaching roles.

www.powerofted.com/about-ted/