My daughter's in a downward spiral

[Parents! Get help here!]

Our 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with depression at 12 and started taking Wellbutrin. She ended up taking 450 mg/day and it helped her tremendously for over 3 years. This summer she decided to stop taking it without discussing the decision with us. She went on a mission trip and we found a stash of untaken pills that she had hidden in her room.

At first, things seemed ok, but two days ago she came to me and my husband telling us that she has been smoking weed at a friend's house since 6th grade, drinking, trying assorted other drugs. We had no idea how to handle this, but we thought she needed a punishment or she would think we didn't care. We grounded her for the weekend, which amounted to just a slap on the wrist, but we know how poorly she has always handled consequences, and that we can't come down too heavily on her. Well, she absolutely flipped out. Told us she hates being at home, feels dead inside, doesn't think anybody has ever loved her, thinks about suicide all the time, is cutting again, etc. She said what she needs is to be with her boyfriend, at his house with his mom's supervision, because being with us is so awful. We are positive people, try to be supportive, usually very happy, so I have no idea why being with us is suddenly so painful for her, or if she's just manipulating us. I just don't know.

She also accuses me of abusing her as a preschooler, and actually says she remembers me calling her a b___ when she was 3. I did spank her as a child and I've told her I feel awful about it, I didn't realize her extreme defiance was mental health related and I was desperate to find something that would get through to her. However, I did not abuse her. She says spanking is always abuse and refuses to accept my apologies. As far as me calling her a b___? It never happened. She says I'm lying because she vividly remembers it. I have no idea why she remembers such a thing. But every time she wants to get her way, she accuses me of being abusive and calling her a b___, saying I'm the reason she feels unlovable. It doesn't matter how many times I argue my point, she totally disregards anything I say.

Anyway, we finally just let her go to her boyfriend's, but we feel like we've caved and we don't know where to go from here. I don't think she simply has depression, I believe it's BPD. We have looked into treatment facilities, but she doesn't want to go. I have no idea if forcing her would be beneficial or harmful. We've finally talked her into going back on the Wellbutrin, but we can't get an appointment to see her psych for 9 more days. I feel like we've lost all ability to parent her, we tried a consequence and had to totally give it up because she says her mental health would suffer, but how do we even know if she's just manipulating us? I hope the Wellbutrin starts helping again, but do we just let her run the show until it has a chance to kick in? Should we be tougher on her? I just have no idea, but I do know that our inconsistency can't be helping.

[mombun]

Our 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with depression at 12 and started taking Wellbutrin. She ended up taking 450 mg/day and it helped her tremendously for over 3 years. This summer she decided to stop taking it without discussing the decision with us. She went on a mission trip and we found a stash of untaken pills that she had hidden in her room.

At first, things seemed ok, but two days ago she came to me and my husband telling us that she has been smoking weed at a friend's house since 6th grade, drinking, trying assorted other drugs. We had no idea how to handle this, but we thought she needed a punishment or she would think we didn't care. We grounded her for the weekend, which amounted to just a slap on the wrist, but we know how poorly she has always handled consequences, and that we can't come down too heavily on her. Well, she absolutely flipped out. Told us she hates being at home, feels dead inside, doesn't think anybody has ever loved her, thinks about suicide all the time, is cutting again, etc. She said what she needs is to be with her boyfriend, at his house with his mom's supervision, because being with us is so awful. We are positive people, try to be supportive, usually very happy, so I have no idea why being with us is suddenly so painful for her, or if she's just manipulating us. I just don't know.

She also accuses me of abusing her as a preschooler, and actually says she remembers me calling her a b___ when she was 3. I did spank her as a child and I've told her I feel awful about it, I didn't realize her extreme defiance was mental health related and I was desperate to find something that would get through to her. However, I did not abuse her. She says spanking is always abuse and refuses to accept my apologies. As far as me calling her a b___? It never happened. She says I'm lying because she vividly remembers it. I have no idea why she remembers such a thing. But every time she wants to get her way, she accuses me of being abusive and calling her a b___, saying I'm the reason she feels unlovable. It doesn't matter how many times I argue my point, she totally disregards anything I say.

Anyway, we finally just let her go to her boyfriend's, but we feel like we've caved and we don't know where to go from here. I don't think she simply has depression, I believe it's BPD. We have looked into treatment facilities, but she doesn't want to go. I have no idea if forcing her would be beneficial or harmful. We've finally talked her into going back on the Wellbutrin, but we can't get an appointment to see her psych for 9 more days. I feel like we've lost all ability to parent her, we tried a consequence and had to totally give it up because she says her mental health would suffer, but how do we even know if she's just manipulating us? I hope the Wellbutrin starts helping again, but do we just let her run the show until it has a chance to kick in? Should we be tougher on her? I just have no idea, but I do know that our inconsistency can't be helping.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Mombum and welcome to BPD family 

I'm sorry for what you're going through with your daughter   and glad you have found a community where many parents of adolescents have been through similar experiences and RTC.  You are not alone.

I understand how very upsetting it must be for you to hear your daughter say she feels dead inside, suicide ideation,  feeling unloved. It can also be considered a cry for help despite her defiance. You have the opportunity while she is still in your care to seek a diagnosis and treatment and take the decisions for her best interest. What point are you at with talking to her mental health carers that you believe your daughter maybe suffering from more than just depression, BPD? You say you have been looking at RTCs and have an appointment in 9 days.

Here is a highly recommended book for parents of adolescents
Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents The review says "Many therapists are hesitant to diagnose a teen with Borderline Personality Disorder because of the belief that the personality is not fully developed until after age 18.  One problem is that after 18, a child can refuse treatment or limit the parents access to their care. Another problem is that treatment If the Borderline Personality Disorder could be reliably diagnosed earlier, parents can do more for their children. This expert from Harvard's McLean Hospital believes that it can be."

To the right of your screen are helpful tools and lessons including communicating boundaries and limits that you spoke of. 

It's encouraging your daughter has agreed to take her meds,  |iiiiI hope you see results soon.

There are wonderful educational resources available here and you can be assured of truly great advice and support from members, glad you found us, keep posting and let us know how you are coping.

WDx