She called what should I do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone, I posted last week that I was leaving and would come back. Well I wasn't expecting it would be so soon, but she called me this morning. I could tell I'm painted white again has a friend I guess. The npdbf has been away for military training, and she has a lot going on this week, so she is going to be having a crazy week. We ended up talking about a lot of things, I can go in more detail if asked then. But she was saying about meeting up maybe next week to talk about things. I want to talk with her at least to maybe get some closer(I understand they don't do that). She said to me on the phone she wants me to understand that her emotion told her she need to go back to him, and that he wanted to make things work with her and his son. I know that this was probably to see how I'm moving on with myself and to see if there is some hold on me, which she still does. She says she has therapy today for the second time now, and she is still waiting to see the psychiatrist. She is working on figuring why she does these things, I told her I figure some stuff out on my side with me but didn't go into detail. She said she has seen me and that she talk to a girl I had meet with before her. So I know she been trying to keep taps on me without contact. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is she maybe setting me up for a recycle again? Is she actually trying to get help for herself? She said she went to a place I been doing work for her family and cried the other night, didn't go into detail. I been doing better now, but she is making me feel she is taking the right steps for herself, but she has said this in the past. I'm getting confused, I think this maybe is her plan. Oh and that she can't give me back my money right now until tax season. I have to go to work I can go into more detail when asked, and I see my t on Wednesday.

[rzr14]

Hey everyone, I posted last week that I was leaving and would come back. Well I wasn't expecting it would be so soon, but she called me this morning. I could tell I'm painted white again has a friend I guess. The npdbf has been away for military training, and she has a lot going on this week, so she is going to be having a crazy week. We ended up talking about a lot of things, I can go in more detail if asked then. But she was saying about meeting up maybe next week to talk about things. I want to talk with her at least to maybe get some closer(I understand they don't do that). She said to me on the phone she wants me to understand that her emotion told her she need to go back to him, and that he wanted to make things work with her and his son. I know that this was probably to see how I'm moving on with myself and to see if there is some hold on me, which she still does. She says she has therapy today for the second time now, and she is still waiting to see the psychiatrist. She is working on figuring why she does these things, I told her I figure some stuff out on my side with me but didn't go into detail. She said she has seen me and that she talk to a girl I had meet with before her. So I know she been trying to keep taps on me without contact. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is she maybe setting me up for a recycle again? Is she actually trying to get help for herself? She said she went to a place I been doing work for her family and cried the other night, didn't go into detail. I been doing better now, but she is making me feel she is taking the right steps for herself, but she has said this in the past. I'm getting confused, I think this maybe is her plan. Oh and that she can't give me back my money right now until tax season. I have to go to work I can go into more detail when asked, and I see my t on Wednesday.

[formflier]

The answer to the question "what should you do" is dependent on what you want and how a relationship with a pwBPD traits fits into your plans.

If you want a relationship with her... .then pursue it.  If not, work on being polite and friendly.  Wish her well.

Focus on what you can control... .focus less on figuring out what and why she is doing things.

I'm curious.  How much money does she owe and what did she need it for?

FF

[rzr14]

Thanks formflier for the reply, I guess what I want from this is something I realize I'm not going to get from her is answers. But still want to try, an I know it's crazy but I would want to use what I learn to see if it would make a difference with our r/s. If what I figure out this past month is true, I couldn't let myself get involved so it would all depend on if we meet up and talked. Your right I need to stay focused on myself and what I can control.

Well the money... she would need money for a bill, the kids, gas, always something like that. She basically would ask me for some and me being a codependent I would willingly give the money if it made her feel better or to avoid her getting mad. I didn't know I was codependent at the time and what I was doing was enabling her. But after doing so I realize now she didn't need it and I think made her value me less of a person because I didn't give up a fight or just saying no. So I said at the last break up she can give me a small amount every month to pay me back for all the money I gave her the last few months. She said then she would, but now it an excuse she needs the money right now and tax season is when she could give me a big amount. I understand what she is really doing, keep me thinking she will give me the money like she always does and use it to keep me close.

[formflier]

Can you list out several questions that you want answered? 

How did you figure out that your were "codependent"?  Did a professional tell you that or from your own self discovery?

How much is the total amount of the money that she owes you?

How long were you guys in a relationship? 

When she says kids... I'm assuming they are hers and not yours.

Just trying to make sure I have accurate picture before dispensing any further advice.

FF

[rzr14]

Here is the short of are r/s that I posted over a month ago.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299807.0

Can you list out several questions that you want answered?  

How did you figure out that your were "codependent"?  :)id a professional tell you that or from your own self discovery?

It was self discovery at first, went to my t, she is in agreement.

How much is the total amount of the money that she owes you?

Don't know how much but is less then a thousand, I won't do that again I learned from my mistake. Really I know I am most likely not going to see it.

How long were you guys in a relationship?  

Our r/s goes back a few years ago, we were together for about 3 years I believe. We were engage at that time. This time it's been back and forth with her npdbf for 7 months.

When she says kids... I'm assuming they are hers and not yours.

You are right she has B2 S4 since then with two fathers.


FF

Okay I really feel it's a recycle coming again, which I will deal with when it comes. The things I want and need to talk with her about, I will go about it the way I see is right for me at the time.

So my questions would be if things turn out that I know I can't talk with her or be friends. How can I have her leave me in peace? I do work for her family, have them on facebook. I can't change my cell phone number I run my business off it, would be a waste to pay monthly charges to have the phone company block her when she can just call from another number. Same issue with email

And how do friendships go when you have history with BPD partners?

[rzr14]

Sorry formflier I made a mistake with your quote

[formflier]

No worries on messing up a quote.  If you let us know the questions... .we can help guide you on how best to ask them.

While there are no guarantees, pwBPD "hear" things better when they are spoken to in a certain way... .and in a certain order.  It can be a bit counter-intuitive to many nons.

So... ."going about it how you feel is best"... .might be great for her to hear... .or horrible. 

It obviously matters to you... that is clear in your posts... .so I would hope you would want to do it as best you can.

I'll check out your previous posts later.

FF

[rzr14]

While there are no guarantees, pwBPD "hear" things better when they are spoken to in a certain way... .and in a certain order.  It can be a bit counter-intuitive to many nons.

So... ."going about it how you feel is best"... .might be great for her to hear... .or horrible. 

It obviously matters to you... that is clear in your posts... .so I would hope you would want to do it as best you can.

FF

You are right, I will use the skills from here if the time comes to talk with her. But in the end I know I have to do what is best for me. I been told to many times she would work on things and it never lasted plus the lies. I know I'm at fault too, so I will use the new approach to see what comes of it. She has reach out to me has I'm still in the back and forth thinking of are r/s. I'm still staying strong and this time I feel I have the power to say no if need be, then just letting her pull me back in. I'm very interested in seeing how she may react to me with my boundaries.