I can never seem to do enough.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello there,
I'm New to this and have just joined because I think I'm finally at the end of my tether (I probably was last week and the week before too  so it's nothing new!)
My 19yo has been diagnosed with BPD.
Everything that goes wrong for her (is this classed as a trigger) I fix. Wether it be bills, anything with her flat, debts, anything.
I do and do and do. I wash her clothes, lend her money and feed her when she's blown all her money. From the minute she wakes up she messages me for things, I try to explain that I'm  at work sometimes but it doesn't register.
I know there's a limit to what I should be doing but the minute I say no I'm the bad one.
"You always ignore me" "you don't love me" "this is your fault"
It's hurts me a lot, but she genuinely seems to think I don't care for her or do anything for her. Everything is always my fault, I try to gently explain that I didn't blow all her money, that I didn't eat all her food or its not my fault she hasn't got any medication but just gets nasty.
When she has an episode it's horrendous.
She really believes I don't do anything for her when in fact she takes up most of my time.
I have three other children and I work.
I'm struggling with it.
Does anyone else have any similar issues with a BPD loved one.
Please help!

[laurablue]

Hello there,
I'm New to this and have just joined because I think I'm finally at the end of my tether (I probably was last week and the week before too  so it's nothing new!)
My 19yo has been diagnosed with BPD.
Everything that goes wrong for her (is this classed as a trigger) I fix. Wether it be bills, anything with her flat, debts, anything.
I do and do and do. I wash her clothes, lend her money and feed her when she's blown all her money. From the minute she wakes up she messages me for things, I try to explain that I'm  at work sometimes but it doesn't register.
I know there's a limit to what I should be doing but the minute I say no I'm the bad one.
"You always ignore me" "you don't love me" "this is your fault"
It's hurts me a lot, but she genuinely seems to think I don't care for her or do anything for her. Everything is always my fault, I try to gently explain that I didn't blow all her money, that I didn't eat all her food or its not my fault she hasn't got any medication but just gets nasty.
When she has an episode it's horrendous.
She really believes I don't do anything for her when in fact she takes up most of my time.
I have three other children and I work.
I'm struggling with it.
Does anyone else have any similar issues with a BPD loved one.
Please help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello laurablue and welcome to bpdfamily    I'm glad you found us and sorry to hear you are at the end of your tether with what you are dealing with your daughter and keeping your family together, that's a lot on your plate.     How old are your other children?

What you are going through sounds familiar, as you'll read by others stories here, you are not alone. It's easy to get into the mode of enabling and fixing things when they don't seem able to help themselves. Truth is though it's not helping anyone, least you.

This book is highly recommended and addresses the dilemma that arises when family members expect us to solve their problems
I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better.

Is your daughter receiving treatment? Do you have support from family or friends?

Hang in there and keep posting so we can support you on the journey. The tools and lessons to the right are also a good place to start and include setting boundaries and limits.

WDx

[laurablue]

Hi,
Thankyou so much for your reply
I feel such a relief that its not just me. I love her and I know I shouldn't say this but she drains me. It's like there's no room in my life for anything else which is why I was so upset when she said I ignore her and don't care for her.
I also have a 17yo, a 13yo (who has learning difficulties and some health issues. This takes up some time too so I try to juggle)
And a two year old.
I've read quite a bit since her diagnosis so I can recognise some of the traits, but its how to deal with her behaviours.
I'm so confused, where has my little tiny blond pigtailed girl gone.
I'm confused most of the time, is she being manipulative or is she genuinely distraught.
She's two different people mixed into one.
I just don't understand!
I've just made a phone call today to put in place some support for myself. But I feel selfish.
Again Thankyou for your reply xx

[borderlinebunny]

This might sound like a silly question, but does she actually know how to do all of these things by herself?
Was she taught how to pay her bills, wash her stuff, etc, etc?

I ask this only because I have BPD, and my parents did not teach me how to take care of my own basic needs, and my mother also did everything for me, and as a result, I never learned how to cope in the real world as a functioning, independent adult. 

I don't think doing everything for your children, BPD or not, is necessarily the best way to go, being as it will only teach them that they don't need to lift a finger to do anything for themselves. It will instill in them a stronger and stronger reliance and dependence on you, which (and I know that you likely do this to stop her from being even more difficult to manage), will only cause worse problems in the long-term. i.e. What would she do if anything happened to you? It could damage her severely.

Maybe what you should do is to set boundaries on what you will and won't do for her. Let her know what she needs to do if there are problems she needs to solve, by herself. If what I asked is true, (and maybe even if it isn't true, it still might help), instead of participating in arguments with her when she refuses to respect or listen to your side, ask her sincerely if she needs some help in knowing how to do these things by herself.

[laurablue]

Hi there,
It's not a silly question it's actually a good point.
Things like using the washing machine and cooking she can do, those things don't bother me, I do her washing because she a doesn't have a washing machine.
The things I mean are are the problems she creates for herself. Things like spending all her money on piercings and tattoos then crying because she has no money for food or gas and electric. I struggle myself so when she blows her money I have to pay for it. Again I understand that this is part of her BPD.
She will let her prescription run out then start with me because she has no medication, she knows how to make an appointment and how to get a prescription.
I've been gently nudging her towards doing things for herself but again I just get the you don't care about me.
If her boiler goes she rings me, if her phone breaks she rings me. It's things she can do but only does when she sees fit.
There's never a few day's before something starts again!
She even blames me when she has a bit of money left for shopping but I haven't had time to take her yet so she spends it.
I'm very new to all this and its a learning curve. All I know is I love my daughter and want to help her by understanding how to deal with it all.

[borderlinebunny]

Hi there,
It's not a silly question it's actually a good point.
Things like using the washing machine and cooking she can do, those things don't bother me, I do her washing because she a doesn't have a washing machine.
The things I mean are are the problems she creates for herself. Things like spending all her money on piercings and tattoos then crying because she has no money for food or gas and electric. I struggle myself so when she blows her money I have to pay for it. Again I understand that this is part of her BPD.
She will let her prescription run out then start with me because she has no medication, she knows how to make an appointment and how to get a prescription.
I've been gently nudging her towards doing things for herself but again I just get the you don't care about me.
If her boiler goes she rings me, if her phone breaks she rings me. It's things she can do but only does when she sees fit.
There's never a few day's before something starts again!
She even blames me when she has a bit of money left for shopping but I haven't had time to take her yet so she spends it.
I'm very new to all this and its a learning curve. All I know is I love my daughter and want to help her by understanding how to deal with it all.

Ahh I understand now; so it's more about impulsiveness than simply not knowing how to do something by herself. A huge part of me wants to say that you should just refuse to sort things out for her in the future so that she's forced to do them herself. But... .I think this is probably easy for me to say, being as my own BPD isn't so severe, I don't know what that could do to her.

The thing I'm concerned about is that you already have so much on your plate and this constant "rescuing" can't be at all good or constructive for either of you.

Being as you have a child with health issues which take up your time too, do you think there could be a chance that she might actually envy this sibling for needing more attention? Perhaps she is using these sort of self-made "disasters" solely to get your attention, and she doesn't know how to get it from you.

Maybe if you DID reduce the amount of "rescuing", but made scheduled times to meet up with her just purely to socialize with her, it might reduce her need to create disasters to make you come running to her aid.